Just a note to let everyone know that we're doing well. We're in Tauranga again today - for meetings. It's pouring rain, so poor Joshua's buried in his carseat and covered in blankets. :)
I forgot a piece to my b*pump at home. Ugh. That's alright. And we have A) a showing at the house tomorrow afternoon B) friends staying with us tomorrow and the next 3 days. That's fine. Except that I didn't get a chance to clean yesterday and today. So tonight and tomorrow are going to be a whirlwind tour around the house. I think I'll put Oceana in front of Cinderella for a few hours.... haha. Oh well.
Joshua cried today for the first time. I nearly came out of my skin. He sounded like he needed to spit up some mucus/crud in his throat and couldn't. And then he pooped. Who knows what happened. He's fine now.
Xo!
Showing posts with label Updates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Updates. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2008
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Day 56
Anybody want a slurpee?
Because Joshua Matthew Sams is...
Because Joshua Matthew Sams is...
That's right ladies and gentlemen! Joshua's 7lbs, 11oz. Another 7 ounces in 6 days. So that's 14 ounces in less than two weeks. Yay for him! Woohoo! That's actually over a pound in 3 weeks. He's growing!
He's doing well this morning. Eating again already. Pretty average day here, working on some office stuff, doing some newsletter stuff, figuring out what's ACTUALLY wrong with the camera, etc. Our friends Bryce, Christina, and Miles are (or should be) at the airport getting ready to fly to New Zealand this evening. Yay! They'll be here Wednesday (Tuesday for you). We're getting excited about their arrival. And I'm getting panicky about cleaning. Haha. Only because my mom packed all weekend, so the house is in shambles now. It WAS clean on Friday. But that was 3 days ago. Haha.
Hope all is well for you. Please pray for "prompt response" from a Dr. Schullinger we've contacted. I won't divulge the information and what we've asked him. But we'd like you pray with us for the quick reply. Thank you!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Day 54
Joshua's cele looks good today, but there's a new spot leaking. It was originally 2 spots - one small, one large - then the small on healed. Now there's another spot (hard to see how large) open on t he end of it, so we've dressed it with the antibiotic ointment as well. He was very talkative today (not goo-goos, but sounds anyways) and very wide awake eyes today. He's fitting in newborn clothes - I know... good grief, here he is nearly 8 weeks old and just beginning to fit in them...
But they're already a bit short for him - which I only notice if I put him in sleepers. It's his legs that are long, not his body particularly. He's got unbelievable long limbs! How funny!
Oceana woke me up this morning when she was rubbing lotion (icky lotion that I don't want her to touch) into my back. I had put her in our bed around 6:15, but dozed for another hour. I'm stupid... We had to take a shower immediately afterwards coz she was covered in NASTINESS! What a fantastically fun way to wake up on Saturday morning.
Not much happening today - it's been pouring all day. We visited a friend. My mom is packing. I worked on some letters for local schools (Marine Reach letters) inviting them to our ship's send off in April and asking to do a presentation about children who don't get medical/dental care. Now I'm gonna go looking at rental properties online and then write a RAM (risk assessment and management) report for the city council for our send off. Blah. But the babies are sleeping - so get the work done while it's quiet!!!
But they're already a bit short for him - which I only notice if I put him in sleepers. It's his legs that are long, not his body particularly. He's got unbelievable long limbs! How funny!
Oceana woke me up this morning when she was rubbing lotion (icky lotion that I don't want her to touch) into my back. I had put her in our bed around 6:15, but dozed for another hour. I'm stupid... We had to take a shower immediately afterwards coz she was covered in NASTINESS! What a fantastically fun way to wake up on Saturday morning.
Not much happening today - it's been pouring all day. We visited a friend. My mom is packing. I worked on some letters for local schools (Marine Reach letters) inviting them to our ship's send off in April and asking to do a presentation about children who don't get medical/dental care. Now I'm gonna go looking at rental properties online and then write a RAM (risk assessment and management) report for the city council for our send off. Blah. But the babies are sleeping - so get the work done while it's quiet!!!
Day 53
We're all fine! Don't worry! I know I've been MIA for 48 hours - my apologies. Wednesday was spent cleaning all day - my parents house had a showing and it was ... uh ... pig sty material.
Thursday morning we left very early for Tauranga. Heather came and changed Joshua's bandages and the antiobitic cream seems to have worked GREAT! This is fantastic because his doctors don't want him on continuous antibiotics, because eventually he'll become immune to them. We went down for my first big meeting for communications with Marine Reach Ministries. There's a big send off for the ship on the 5th of April, and I'm "in charge" (how terrifying) of the event. So there's a lot to do. Anyways, we were planning to go down, have one meeting, go out and look at houses, come back for a 2nd meeting, and then go home. Instead...
Matt had his meeting and I had my first. Then we went out looking for houses... I thought this whole renting houses thing was easier. So after a lot of frustration and a bunch of phone calls two days later - we've not looked at a single house. And we don't even have one full application put in... pieces of one and a bunch more sitting in a box in my kitchen. I was frustrated and gave up... what can I say?
We stayed the night at a friend's place - Joshua's adopted great grandparents - Ben and Helen A.
He's one of the old ship captains from way back... he's so wonderful and Helen is just a delight to be with. Helen and Ben had a daughter - Jenny - who caught meningitis as a baby. She was misdiagnoses for several days and by the time it was diagnosed, the damage was already done. Jenny was never "normal" after that and developed hydrocephalus. She lived for 5 years (she died as a result of having her teeth pulled ... not because of her condition). Helen has a soft spot for Joshua because of Jenny - and she loved holding him and talking to him. It was wonderful to stand in her living room and see pictures of Jenny (45 yr old pictures) ... she was a beautiful little girl. It's wonderful to see that 45 years down the track Helen and Ben still love their little girl so much, and she's forever one of their six children... certainly not forgotten. It's a good thing to see. Now I don't ever have to feel that I have to forget Joshua or feel less upset or feel less empty... he's my baby, he'll always be my baby ....
I saw a boy with his mom in a store today. He was probably 13 or 14, and was (some sort of) mentally disabled. And all I could do was smile... because I knew his momma loved him SOOO much! I could see it by the way she was letting him help her carry something, and she was smiling. It made me really happy to be out and about with Joshua.
But in that same store (not 5 minutes later) I saw a teenage girl look at me funny. I chalked it up to Joshua being in his sling (his head looks strange in the sling) and ignored it. Just a few minutes later I saw her walk up to her mother and whisper and point. Then they stood there and stared at us. And my mind ran a hundred miles an hour.
*Is she confused about why there's a lump behind his head (you couldn't see it when he was in the sling, just that there's a lump)?
*Is she confused about how small his head is and how it slopes back differently?
*Does she think I hurt him?
I go stuck on "Does she think I hurt him." And I got scared. What if people thought I did something to him? What if people don't get it and assume that? But at the same time I didn't want anyone to come talk to me about it.
I was walking around aimlessly - totally absorbed by these thoughts - when another young girl (sales rep from the store) looked up at me. I thought she MUST be thinking the same stuff, and got more depressed. A few steps later I heard, "Excuse me, ma'am?"
And she asked me, "Where do you get those sling things?" Haha. Here I am totally FLIPPING OUT and this girl's impressed by my handmade peanut pouch. I'm so panicky. I should laugh at myself. I explained that I made it and then walked away ........ smiling.
Joshua's been making noise today - sort of "talking". It's not quite gurgles and cooing, but it's as close as we've been. He's such a good sport - he was in and out of his carseat all day.
He goes for another weigh in on Monday. (That'll be Sunday evening EST)
Thursday morning we left very early for Tauranga. Heather came and changed Joshua's bandages and the antiobitic cream seems to have worked GREAT! This is fantastic because his doctors don't want him on continuous antibiotics, because eventually he'll become immune to them. We went down for my first big meeting for communications with Marine Reach Ministries. There's a big send off for the ship on the 5th of April, and I'm "in charge" (how terrifying) of the event. So there's a lot to do. Anyways, we were planning to go down, have one meeting, go out and look at houses, come back for a 2nd meeting, and then go home. Instead...
Matt had his meeting and I had my first. Then we went out looking for houses... I thought this whole renting houses thing was easier. So after a lot of frustration and a bunch of phone calls two days later - we've not looked at a single house. And we don't even have one full application put in... pieces of one and a bunch more sitting in a box in my kitchen. I was frustrated and gave up... what can I say?
We stayed the night at a friend's place - Joshua's adopted great grandparents - Ben and Helen A.
He's one of the old ship captains from way back... he's so wonderful and Helen is just a delight to be with. Helen and Ben had a daughter - Jenny - who caught meningitis as a baby. She was misdiagnoses for several days and by the time it was diagnosed, the damage was already done. Jenny was never "normal" after that and developed hydrocephalus. She lived for 5 years (she died as a result of having her teeth pulled ... not because of her condition). Helen has a soft spot for Joshua because of Jenny - and she loved holding him and talking to him. It was wonderful to stand in her living room and see pictures of Jenny (45 yr old pictures) ... she was a beautiful little girl. It's wonderful to see that 45 years down the track Helen and Ben still love their little girl so much, and she's forever one of their six children... certainly not forgotten. It's a good thing to see. Now I don't ever have to feel that I have to forget Joshua or feel less upset or feel less empty... he's my baby, he'll always be my baby ....
I saw a boy with his mom in a store today. He was probably 13 or 14, and was (some sort of) mentally disabled. And all I could do was smile... because I knew his momma loved him SOOO much! I could see it by the way she was letting him help her carry something, and she was smiling. It made me really happy to be out and about with Joshua.
But in that same store (not 5 minutes later) I saw a teenage girl look at me funny. I chalked it up to Joshua being in his sling (his head looks strange in the sling) and ignored it. Just a few minutes later I saw her walk up to her mother and whisper and point. Then they stood there and stared at us. And my mind ran a hundred miles an hour.
*Is she confused about why there's a lump behind his head (you couldn't see it when he was in the sling, just that there's a lump)?
*Is she confused about how small his head is and how it slopes back differently?
*Does she think I hurt him?
I go stuck on "Does she think I hurt him." And I got scared. What if people thought I did something to him? What if people don't get it and assume that? But at the same time I didn't want anyone to come talk to me about it.
I was walking around aimlessly - totally absorbed by these thoughts - when another young girl (sales rep from the store) looked up at me. I thought she MUST be thinking the same stuff, and got more depressed. A few steps later I heard, "Excuse me, ma'am?"
And she asked me, "Where do you get those sling things?" Haha. Here I am totally FLIPPING OUT and this girl's impressed by my handmade peanut pouch. I'm so panicky. I should laugh at myself. I explained that I made it and then walked away ........ smiling.
Joshua's been making noise today - sort of "talking". It's not quite gurgles and cooing, but it's as close as we've been. He's such a good sport - he was in and out of his carseat all day.
He goes for another weigh in on Monday. (That'll be Sunday evening EST)
Monday, February 25, 2008
Day 50
116 ounces
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.28 kilograms
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3280 grams
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7 pounds 4oz!!!!!
I am a believer. Ok. So I'm always the one who sort of nods and smiles (but inside is rolling her eyes) when the "crunchy" people start talking about herbs. I tend to be very sarcastic and not believe people who say, this herb or that herb or this "potion" blah blah blah.
HOWEVER!
Fenugreek works. I started taking it at 9pm Saturday night and by 9pm Monday night I'd done a 180 degree turn in my milk production. Joshua has MORE THAN HE NEEDS today! I'm pumping what's left and saving it for later!
He's gained 7oz in 6 days!!!!!
Please pray for - what looks like - infection on Joshua's cele again. Rather than keep him on continuous (and eventually ineffective) antiobiotics, they've given him a topic antiobiotic to kill off the staph that naturally grows on his skin. Hopefully this will keep it from getting infected any further.
In answer to a few questions in the comments:
At present there aren't surgical options. I don't post information about tests we're having done or surgeon's we contact because I don't want opinions on that. I don't want the world to walk through dashed hopes with me. Our family is walking through it with us. But be assured, we're doing everything in our power to insure that there is no stone unturned. I will have a nervous breakdown, if in 5 years it comes to light that something could have been done for Joshua.
Rest assured. I'm not sitting around ignoring the possibilities. But at present there aren't any good alternatives. Joshua's happy, he's healthy, he's not in pain. And that's the best we can do for him now. He's a miracle. And each day is precious. If we don't get to keep him longterm, we're prepared for that. We're not okay with it, which is why we're looking into other possibilities. But I won't post that stuff until I have something more concrete to tell the world.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3.28 kilograms
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
3280 grams
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
7 pounds 4oz!!!!!
I am a believer. Ok. So I'm always the one who sort of nods and smiles (but inside is rolling her eyes) when the "crunchy" people start talking about herbs. I tend to be very sarcastic and not believe people who say, this herb or that herb or this "potion" blah blah blah.
HOWEVER!
Fenugreek works. I started taking it at 9pm Saturday night and by 9pm Monday night I'd done a 180 degree turn in my milk production. Joshua has MORE THAN HE NEEDS today! I'm pumping what's left and saving it for later!
He's gained 7oz in 6 days!!!!!
Please pray for - what looks like - infection on Joshua's cele again. Rather than keep him on continuous (and eventually ineffective) antiobiotics, they've given him a topic antiobiotic to kill off the staph that naturally grows on his skin. Hopefully this will keep it from getting infected any further.
In answer to a few questions in the comments:
At present there aren't surgical options. I don't post information about tests we're having done or surgeon's we contact because I don't want opinions on that. I don't want the world to walk through dashed hopes with me. Our family is walking through it with us. But be assured, we're doing everything in our power to insure that there is no stone unturned. I will have a nervous breakdown, if in 5 years it comes to light that something could have been done for Joshua.
Rest assured. I'm not sitting around ignoring the possibilities. But at present there aren't any good alternatives. Joshua's happy, he's healthy, he's not in pain. And that's the best we can do for him now. He's a miracle. And each day is precious. If we don't get to keep him longterm, we're prepared for that. We're not okay with it, which is why we're looking into other possibilities. But I won't post that stuff until I have something more concrete to tell the world.
Day 49 - 7 weeks
Daddy made a cake for Joshua's 7 week birthday. Of course he made it after Oceana was asleep (we are slowly learning that sugar - past about 5pm - is a stupid idea. And Joshua certainly didn't eat any. But we did sing Happy Birthday. Ok, I sang Happy Birthday. But when you have a birthday part every week you sort of lose the luster for big shindigs. However, we will be having a birthday party when Bryce, Christina, and Miles visit - because it's more fun celebrating with people. My parents would love to have a birthday party too, but it seems they're always gone on Mondays. One of these days Mum... we'll pack all day and then party all night, ok? Or at least until 8pm...
That's the newest news. Matt and I have decided we're moving. To Tauranga. It's a city about an hour south of Waihi Beach. I've taken a job with Marine Reach Ministries (the ship's organization) as the Events Coordinator and writer/designer/organizer for Making Waves magazine. Matt's having a meeting (hopefully) this week with our director to discuss working for MRM full time. But it's difficult to work for an organization that is an hour away. Especially when we have a non-toll-call phone. Ick. So we're going to be looking at houses to rent this week - please pray that we find something in a good area, for a good price, and that everything goes smoothly in that respect.
We want this to be over and done with as soon as possible (moved in by April 1) because Mum and Dad are planning to rent this house out (since they're going to be travelling for 6 months this year). So this whole (5 bedroom) house has to be cleared, cleaned, and revamped for renting in the next 3 - 5 weeks. AK! And there's Joshua and Oceana to contend with.
So I've started packing. But I'm at that point that it's difficult to decide
1. What I need
2. What I want
3. What can be stored
4. What I can't touch because it's my mother's
5. If I want lots of furniture or a little furniture
6. If I want every kitchen appliance
7. What I can throw out/online auction/pack without repercussions from my mother's direction
Oh this is gonna be fun. And tonight I started working on my job (first time I've gotten a ToDo list - thanks Jo!) and I'm suddenly realizing how busy I'm gonna get.
Don't worry. I know this post is going to draw some "You should lay low! Don't do too much! You need to concentrate on Joshua!" comments. But seriously, we've been SITTING for 7 weeks (and longer, because we did it for the 5 weeks before he was born too) and it's getting to us. There's nothing like prolonged periods of apathy/induced laziness to make you feel like sinking your teeth into something! There's only so much time I can spend sitting around the house and dwelling on the situation. And if something happens with Joshua - our lives will go on hold again. We are prepared for that. Not so much prepared, as aware. We know it might happen. And we'll make the best decision for our family at that time - no matter what the situation is.
Ya'll are so cute when you worry about me/us. Haha. It's strange to me. I'm one of those self-proclaimed tough 'ole birds. Haha. I'm usually trying to hold it all together, make everything alright, nothing's gonna bother me - etc etc. But suddenly I'm getting (everyday) these comments about "You're just amazing Susie!", "What a wonderful Mom", etc...
Let me tell you. There's nothing quite like reading that stuff and thinking in my mind "What are they talking about?" or "If they'd only just seem me rail on my poor daughter for spilling her water." or "Are they joking?" or "I guess it's just an easy thing to say when you don't know what to say." But I do appreciate it. I'm realizing that maybe... just maybe... I am. You know how when you're about 13 years old and going through puberty you get comments about "You're such a beautiful young woman."? Ugh. I turned ninety-seven shades of red, bumbled and mumbled and managed to say something like, "Yah right!" because I couldn't take a compliment. The only reason I'm getting better at that is because I can say, "Uh. Thanks. I'm trying." Seriously - I think I say it between once and a dozen times a day. I still have that "Yah right!" reaction in my head - I've just trained my mouth to respond otherwise.
But thank you. I'm beginning (BEGINNING) to believe it. Haha. My house is still a mess. I'm still an iffy mom a lot of the time. I'm still a dog-yeller-atter. I'm still ... useless at taking compliments.
XO!
PS - Joshua's going for a weigh in a 1:30 tomorrow (7:30pm EST)!
That's the newest news. Matt and I have decided we're moving. To Tauranga. It's a city about an hour south of Waihi Beach. I've taken a job with Marine Reach Ministries (the ship's organization) as the Events Coordinator and writer/designer/organizer for Making Waves magazine. Matt's having a meeting (hopefully) this week with our director to discuss working for MRM full time. But it's difficult to work for an organization that is an hour away. Especially when we have a non-toll-call phone. Ick. So we're going to be looking at houses to rent this week - please pray that we find something in a good area, for a good price, and that everything goes smoothly in that respect.
We want this to be over and done with as soon as possible (moved in by April 1) because Mum and Dad are planning to rent this house out (since they're going to be travelling for 6 months this year). So this whole (5 bedroom) house has to be cleared, cleaned, and revamped for renting in the next 3 - 5 weeks. AK! And there's Joshua and Oceana to contend with.
So I've started packing. But I'm at that point that it's difficult to decide
1. What I need
2. What I want
3. What can be stored
4. What I can't touch because it's my mother's
5. If I want lots of furniture or a little furniture
6. If I want every kitchen appliance
7. What I can throw out/online auction/pack without repercussions from my mother's direction
Oh this is gonna be fun. And tonight I started working on my job (first time I've gotten a ToDo list - thanks Jo!) and I'm suddenly realizing how busy I'm gonna get.
Don't worry. I know this post is going to draw some "You should lay low! Don't do too much! You need to concentrate on Joshua!" comments. But seriously, we've been SITTING for 7 weeks (and longer, because we did it for the 5 weeks before he was born too) and it's getting to us. There's nothing like prolonged periods of apathy/induced laziness to make you feel like sinking your teeth into something! There's only so much time I can spend sitting around the house and dwelling on the situation. And if something happens with Joshua - our lives will go on hold again. We are prepared for that. Not so much prepared, as aware. We know it might happen. And we'll make the best decision for our family at that time - no matter what the situation is.
Ya'll are so cute when you worry about me/us. Haha. It's strange to me. I'm one of those self-proclaimed tough 'ole birds. Haha. I'm usually trying to hold it all together, make everything alright, nothing's gonna bother me - etc etc. But suddenly I'm getting (everyday) these comments about "You're just amazing Susie!", "What a wonderful Mom", etc...
Let me tell you. There's nothing quite like reading that stuff and thinking in my mind "What are they talking about?" or "If they'd only just seem me rail on my poor daughter for spilling her water." or "Are they joking?" or "I guess it's just an easy thing to say when you don't know what to say." But I do appreciate it. I'm realizing that maybe... just maybe... I am. You know how when you're about 13 years old and going through puberty you get comments about "You're such a beautiful young woman."? Ugh. I turned ninety-seven shades of red, bumbled and mumbled and managed to say something like, "Yah right!" because I couldn't take a compliment. The only reason I'm getting better at that is because I can say, "Uh. Thanks. I'm trying." Seriously - I think I say it between once and a dozen times a day. I still have that "Yah right!" reaction in my head - I've just trained my mouth to respond otherwise.
But thank you. I'm beginning (BEGINNING) to believe it. Haha. My house is still a mess. I'm still an iffy mom a lot of the time. I'm still a dog-yeller-atter. I'm still ... useless at taking compliments.
XO!
PS - Joshua's going for a weigh in a 1:30 tomorrow (7:30pm EST)!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Day 37
All is well this morning. We are going to Tauranga for the first time, it's an hour away. I have a meeting for this conference (this weekend) and we need to do some shopping for the gift baskets. Joshua had a doctor's appointment, but they had an electrical storm yesterday - messing up some equiptment - so our appointment is moved to Friday.
We're watching Cinderella ... again ... we're up to once a day no. Hmm...
Cathy P. asked how do I burp him?
Good question! I usually lay him on my chest with his head and cele laying on my upper chest - so his head's nearly hitting my chin. That works best, but if he won't burp - I lay him on my lap (tummy-down). It's essentially the same. just w/ a bit of finesse.
And the recipe for the biscuits is simple:
It's buttermilk biscuits, but I rarely end up doing the buttermilk part.
2 c flour
1 t salt
1 t baking powder
2 T butter
1 c milk w/ 1 T vinegar
Let milk and vinegar stand a minute - this is quicky-buttermilk. Rub in butter with dry ingredients and add milk. Pat out on floured board, cut with a cutter (a plastic cup works well too). Yesterday I just cut them in squares to save time. Bake at 350F (180C) for 10 min.
We're watching Cinderella ... again ... we're up to once a day no. Hmm...
Cathy P. asked how do I burp him?
Good question! I usually lay him on my chest with his head and cele laying on my upper chest - so his head's nearly hitting my chin. That works best, but if he won't burp - I lay him on my lap (tummy-down). It's essentially the same. just w/ a bit of finesse.
And the recipe for the biscuits is simple:
It's buttermilk biscuits, but I rarely end up doing the buttermilk part.
2 c flour
1 t salt
1 t baking powder
2 T butter
1 c milk w/ 1 T vinegar
Let milk and vinegar stand a minute - this is quicky-buttermilk. Rub in butter with dry ingredients and add milk. Pat out on floured board, cut with a cutter (a plastic cup works well too). Yesterday I just cut them in squares to save time. Bake at 350F (180C) for 10 min.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Day 33
That good news is such a relief. I was really worried that in the midst of all this mess. I was sure I'd end up being low on iron and have a thyroid problem. While it still leaves the panic attacks unanswered (the thyroid might have been relate to them), it's reassuring that my thyroid's not "going". (Like it's a carburator or something... haha) My dad's sister has had her thryoid removed, and she told me it "gave out" when she was pregnant with her 2nd child - at the age of 22. (OH MY GOODNESS!) So it had me pretty freaked out when I looked at some of the "symptoms" of thyroid issues. It's amazing how when you're worried you can "see" your symptoms so much more. Skin and hair changes - fatigue - depression - anxiety - trouble remembering things. Ok - who, when they're stressed, doesn't see some of these things!
"Hi, my name is Susie; and I'm a hypochondriac!"
Oceana's hanging on my shoulders and has a full-o-stink diaper. I'll be right back.
All better.
Joshua's sitting up in one of his chairs this morning. As Matt put it, "Buddy, you wanna watch the world go by?" On that note, we've realized that either Joshua's blind (but can see light) or he doesn't have the reaction to blink when things are moving close to his face. If we wave our hands in his face - where a normal person would blink uncontrollably - he isn't even slightly phased.
My dad is back from Samoa this morning. It was nerve-wracking having him gone for over a week with Joshua in his present condition. Especially when he had the infection. But he's back and Joshua's doing great.
Beautiful little hands. Looooong fingers. See all those "rolls"? My boy needs to gain some more weight and fill those out!
Long skinny feet too.
Hanging out in his bassinet. Those are preemie-sized pants. Wow, he's still so teeny.
"Hi, my name is Susie; and I'm a hypochondriac!"
Oceana's hanging on my shoulders and has a full-o-stink diaper. I'll be right back.
All better.
Joshua's sitting up in one of his chairs this morning. As Matt put it, "Buddy, you wanna watch the world go by?" On that note, we've realized that either Joshua's blind (but can see light) or he doesn't have the reaction to blink when things are moving close to his face. If we wave our hands in his face - where a normal person would blink uncontrollably - he isn't even slightly phased.
My dad is back from Samoa this morning. It was nerve-wracking having him gone for over a week with Joshua in his present condition. Especially when he had the infection. But he's back and Joshua's doing great.
Beautiful little hands. Looooong fingers. See all those "rolls"? My boy needs to gain some more weight and fill those out!
Long skinny feet too.
Hanging out in his bassinet. Those are preemie-sized pants. Wow, he's still so teeny.
Good news
My thyroid's within the normal range.
My iron's within the normal range.
Joshua's CSF isn't leaking too badly. Yesterday the nurse reused the previous day's outside padding (just changed the inside dressing). And she did the same thing today. Which means that Joshua used the same "packing" for 3 days! When it was leaking heavily he was going through all the layers and soaking his hat after about 24-36 hours.
And the house is clean.
My iron's within the normal range.
Joshua's CSF isn't leaking too badly. Yesterday the nurse reused the previous day's outside padding (just changed the inside dressing). And she did the same thing today. Which means that Joshua used the same "packing" for 3 days! When it was leaking heavily he was going through all the layers and soaking his hat after about 24-36 hours.
And the house is clean.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Another mid-night prayer request
Another one. Yeah, another panic attack. It started 20 minutes ago at 1:20am Friday morning (7:30am Thursday EST). I'd been asleep about an hour and a half. It's not as bad as the last one. But I still won't be able to sleep for (EASILY) another half hour to hour.
Please refrain from telling me to test my thyroid - I did. The labwork got lost (we only realized yesterday) and it's still "in process". I appreciate the advice - but let's not beat a dead horse.
Please pray this stops.
While I'm on this prayer request line - I almost wrote a PR list post before bed, but skipped it.
1). We have a particular test/exam we want Joshua to have. We need a speedy reaction to our request with the doctors, the right doctors on hand on the day, a good interpretation by an excellent doctor, and Joshua's cooperation. If he doesn't cooperate, they can't do it.
2). Wisdom for the next step. It's difficult when you're face with two camps of thought - a)Let him go with dignity, don't put him through too much, do the best for him, and b) exhaust every possibility, leave no stone unturned, do the best for him. It's hard to know what's best sometimes.
3). Miraculous outcome for Joshua. Miracles might look different than we expect - but we expect miraculous outcomes for Joshua.
4). A conclusion regarding these night-time attacks. Whether it's medical/physical or medical/mental, or purely spiritual... I am SICK of them. They are debilitating and fear-riddled.
5). Immigration:
- That the job description gets finished quickly
- That the request for a reference letter from my old job gets to the right person and gets completed quickly
- That the fingerprints for the FBI background checks go through the first time, and that they follow the deadline on the form
- That the letter from Joshua's pediatrian (for confirmation of his diagnosis) is completed quickly
- No need for "additional information" once the application is in. (The results in my running around like a chicken with my head cut off for day - trying to find the "additional info").
Please refrain from telling me to test my thyroid - I did. The labwork got lost (we only realized yesterday) and it's still "in process". I appreciate the advice - but let's not beat a dead horse.
Please pray this stops.
While I'm on this prayer request line - I almost wrote a PR list post before bed, but skipped it.
1). We have a particular test/exam we want Joshua to have. We need a speedy reaction to our request with the doctors, the right doctors on hand on the day, a good interpretation by an excellent doctor, and Joshua's cooperation. If he doesn't cooperate, they can't do it.
2). Wisdom for the next step. It's difficult when you're face with two camps of thought - a)Let him go with dignity, don't put him through too much, do the best for him, and b) exhaust every possibility, leave no stone unturned, do the best for him. It's hard to know what's best sometimes.
3). Miraculous outcome for Joshua. Miracles might look different than we expect - but we expect miraculous outcomes for Joshua.
4). A conclusion regarding these night-time attacks. Whether it's medical/physical or medical/mental, or purely spiritual... I am SICK of them. They are debilitating and fear-riddled.
5). Immigration:
- That the job description gets finished quickly
- That the request for a reference letter from my old job gets to the right person and gets completed quickly
- That the fingerprints for the FBI background checks go through the first time, and that they follow the deadline on the form
- That the letter from Joshua's pediatrian (for confirmation of his diagnosis) is completed quickly
- No need for "additional information" once the application is in. (The results in my running around like a chicken with my head cut off for day - trying to find the "additional info").
Monday, February 4, 2008
Medical Clarification
To Nurse Sarah and any other medical professionals lurking: No, it's not the resistant staph infection, just Staphylococcus aureus.
To everybody else: S. aureus is a normal bacterial in your nose and on your skin. An overgrowth results in a staph infection. The resistant staph infection is really bad. So in the scheme of things... S aureus is a good thing.
To everybody else: S. aureus is a normal bacterial in your nose and on your skin. An overgrowth results in a staph infection. The resistant staph infection is really bad. So in the scheme of things... S aureus is a good thing.
Day 29
I tried to upload a video of Oceana and Joshua last night. But after several hours of letting it upload I refreshed the page and lost it. I give up. If I ever figure out an easier way to upload I will. The video was of them having hiccups together! Joshua had them, so I picked him up. I was sitting at the computer holding him when I realized Oceana's talking to me and missing out words. Suddenly it registered that she had hiccups too. I started yelling for my brother to "Get in here! Get the camera!" I'm sure he thought I was nuts. It was so funny!
One person already commented on the fact that we're giving Joshua antibiotics. I know we said that we'd probably not use antibiotics. The doctors that saw him before he was born and the pediatrian that saw him when he was born all said that antibiotics would prolong the inevitable and that they wouldn't prescribe them. However, our GP and the health nurse who sees Joshua feel differently about it. When I took Joshua in last week and she started asking if she should swab the scab for infection. I burst into tears! I think I felt that if I knew it was infection, it would seem all the more real. And I "knew" they wouldn't give him antibiotics. So knowing that there was infection would only drive home that point. And instead Dr Bowman and Heather the nurse stood there and kept asking if we'd been able to make any decisions for Joshua. I continued crying, and couldn't barely talk, because the truthful answer was "No." We've been having to go with what we're told, because we really don't know what to expect, and we're not medically trained. So our assumptions have been very wrong sometimes. We've just accepted what we've been told, and gone along with it. (Some of this is due to New Zealand's socialized medicine - I can't just "get another opinion" as easily as in the US).
So Dr B and Heather strongly encouraged me to let them swab it and check for infection. They said - it's paliative care - we want to make him comfortable. And as they put it - infection's not comfortable. So he's on antibiotics - which probably are prolonging the "inevitable". But Joshua's doing great. I'm so glad we're able to choose some things for Joshua - and that he's not at the mercy of 'some doctor'.
In other news.
Matt got a gift from his dad yesterday - which he was totally surprised by - and very excited about too. And Oceana found a pen. Yeah.... "found a pen". Yesterday morning my brother gave her a tiny tattoo on her arm that said "I *heart* Mom and Dad"...which was cute at the time. Until she got the idea that pen and skin were fun. So last night, before bed (when she was only daiper-clad) she managed to redecorate her epidermis... just a bit... ok... just a lot. All four limbs and her tummy. Wow.... Oh well. I took pictures.
Immigration medical exams and such are finished. Oh good. No more chest xrays, no more peeing in cups, no more blood sucking phlebotomists, no more standing on scales, and no more filling out paperwork. Ok, nix the last one - we still have to fill out the actual applications for visas. Blah. Don't I sound excited. I should be - I should be knock-down-drag-out-passionate about it, because our visas expire in a month and 4 days. AK!
*Pray for Joshua's staph infection
*Pray for Joshua's leakage - it's going through all the bandages in one day (it's only changed every 2 days) even with extra gauze inside. I had to put more gauze in again yesterday.
*Pray for Oceana - her sleep schedule got messed up the other day, so she's a bit worn out today (we've had to tantrums by quarter to 10)
*Pray for our visas - we're trying to get the last bits for the application today. I just want it in the mail and out of my hair!
One person already commented on the fact that we're giving Joshua antibiotics. I know we said that we'd probably not use antibiotics. The doctors that saw him before he was born and the pediatrian that saw him when he was born all said that antibiotics would prolong the inevitable and that they wouldn't prescribe them. However, our GP and the health nurse who sees Joshua feel differently about it. When I took Joshua in last week and she started asking if she should swab the scab for infection. I burst into tears! I think I felt that if I knew it was infection, it would seem all the more real. And I "knew" they wouldn't give him antibiotics. So knowing that there was infection would only drive home that point. And instead Dr Bowman and Heather the nurse stood there and kept asking if we'd been able to make any decisions for Joshua. I continued crying, and couldn't barely talk, because the truthful answer was "No." We've been having to go with what we're told, because we really don't know what to expect, and we're not medically trained. So our assumptions have been very wrong sometimes. We've just accepted what we've been told, and gone along with it. (Some of this is due to New Zealand's socialized medicine - I can't just "get another opinion" as easily as in the US).
So Dr B and Heather strongly encouraged me to let them swab it and check for infection. They said - it's paliative care - we want to make him comfortable. And as they put it - infection's not comfortable. So he's on antibiotics - which probably are prolonging the "inevitable". But Joshua's doing great. I'm so glad we're able to choose some things for Joshua - and that he's not at the mercy of 'some doctor'.
In other news.
Matt got a gift from his dad yesterday - which he was totally surprised by - and very excited about too. And Oceana found a pen. Yeah.... "found a pen". Yesterday morning my brother gave her a tiny tattoo on her arm that said "I *heart* Mom and Dad"...which was cute at the time. Until she got the idea that pen and skin were fun. So last night, before bed (when she was only daiper-clad) she managed to redecorate her epidermis... just a bit... ok... just a lot. All four limbs and her tummy. Wow.... Oh well. I took pictures.
Immigration medical exams and such are finished. Oh good. No more chest xrays, no more peeing in cups, no more blood sucking phlebotomists, no more standing on scales, and no more filling out paperwork. Ok, nix the last one - we still have to fill out the actual applications for visas. Blah. Don't I sound excited. I should be - I should be knock-down-drag-out-passionate about it, because our visas expire in a month and 4 days. AK!
*Pray for Joshua's staph infection
*Pray for Joshua's leakage - it's going through all the bandages in one day (it's only changed every 2 days) even with extra gauze inside. I had to put more gauze in again yesterday.
*Pray for Oceana - her sleep schedule got messed up the other day, so she's a bit worn out today (we've had to tantrums by quarter to 10)
*Pray for our visas - we're trying to get the last bits for the application today. I just want it in the mail and out of my hair!
4 weeks - 28 days
Here's what Joshua looks like today - on his 4th birthday. He's doing pretty good. 
He does not like medicine though. Joshua rarely cries. In fact it's probably been ten days since I last heard him cry. When I tried to give him his medicine tonight he really like it. So I gave it to him a little quicker - too quick in fact! He choked a bit and let out a big cry. His cries startle me SO badly. I freaked. But I think it just pushed the syringe to fast.
The reason for the medicine (Flucloxacillin Erythromyacin) is that he's got an infection. The scab/open wound that was weeping was infected. It had a "heavy growth of Staphylococcus aureus". I'm sure you're not interested in what it was. But I'm always interested in that "actual" scenario - beyond Joshua's-on-antibiotics-because-it's-infected. That probably explains why when people ask me the situation with Joshua I end up explaining what a neural tube defect is, how it happens, and what can happen when there's an encephalocele. I guess I have an aversion to saying "He's got a birth defect".
Joshua, Oceana, and I went to a friend's house today, because Matt and Josiah were watching the Superbowl. They had to go to another friend's - so I went to my friend's and hung out. As I put it to Matt, "I don't want to be left home alone and outnumbered!". It made me realize that if Joshua stays with us and Matt gets a job - I will be home alone and outnumbered. Uhoh.
You can see all Joshua's acne - poor boy. His naked picture makes him look more filled out than he seems to be. He's still skinny. Wayyyyy skinny. But I think he's gaining still.
He does not like medicine though. Joshua rarely cries. In fact it's probably been ten days since I last heard him cry. When I tried to give him his medicine tonight he really like it. So I gave it to him a little quicker - too quick in fact! He choked a bit and let out a big cry. His cries startle me SO badly. I freaked. But I think it just pushed the syringe to fast.
The reason for the medicine (Flucloxacillin Erythromyacin) is that he's got an infection. The scab/open wound that was weeping was infected. It had a "heavy growth of Staphylococcus aureus". I'm sure you're not interested in what it was. But I'm always interested in that "actual" scenario - beyond Joshua's-on-antibiotics-because-it's-infected. That probably explains why when people ask me the situation with Joshua I end up explaining what a neural tube defect is, how it happens, and what can happen when there's an encephalocele. I guess I have an aversion to saying "He's got a birth defect".
Joshua, Oceana, and I went to a friend's house today, because Matt and Josiah were watching the Superbowl. They had to go to another friend's - so I went to my friend's and hung out. As I put it to Matt, "I don't want to be left home alone and outnumbered!". It made me realize that if Joshua stays with us and Matt gets a job - I will be home alone and outnumbered. Uhoh.
You can see all Joshua's acne - poor boy. His naked picture makes him look more filled out than he seems to be. He's still skinny. Wayyyyy skinny. But I think he's gaining still.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Day 27
all is well. joshua's nurse came and redressed his 'cele. its looking less goopy but still leaking lots. he's in my arms so i'm typing one-handed. capitals are unnecessary....
we're getting ready for church.
had a yay! moment this morning when i *ever-so bravely* opened the box of pre-pregnancy clothes. after trying two pairs of pants i gave up... but did find a lot of shirts that fit. i was getting sick of the same 3 shirts over and over again. yay!
oceana peed on the carpet this morning. my fault for letting her run naked too long.
joshua's sporting some new gear from a friend. so kool to have him in stuff that fits.
will write again later.
we're getting ready for church.
had a yay! moment this morning when i *ever-so bravely* opened the box of pre-pregnancy clothes. after trying two pairs of pants i gave up... but did find a lot of shirts that fit. i was getting sick of the same 3 shirts over and over again. yay!
oceana peed on the carpet this morning. my fault for letting her run naked too long.
joshua's sporting some new gear from a friend. so kool to have him in stuff that fits.
will write again later.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Day 22
Tristan's "promotion" (as my mom put it) is a stark reminder of the situation we're in with Joshua. I wish and hope and pray for a different outcome, but I know Trayc and Yvette, Tristan's parents, did the same. The glorious thing is - we (Trayc, Yvette, Matt, and I) have been blessed. Truly we have. I want you to know that Matt and I are so blessed, so happy, so excited to have Joshua. Yes, it's sad. Yes, we're disappointed about a lifetime of memories we'll never see. But we are blessed to have the time we do. I know, having read through Yvette's story that she feels privileged to be Tristan's Mommy. And I do as well.
I'm privileged to be Joshua's Mummy.
That said (now that many of you are in tears), Joshua's birthday went off great! Of course I forgot about making a cake until after dinner - but YAY for the quicky-cake-recipe! Box cake is expensive here, so I have two trusty-dusty cake recipes that go together in less than 10 minutes. Deep Dark Chocolate was the poison of the week. That's icing sugar on top - not mold - by the way.
I'm privileged to be Joshua's Mummy.
That said (now that many of you are in tears), Joshua's birthday went off great! Of course I forgot about making a cake until after dinner - but YAY for the quicky-cake-recipe! Box cake is expensive here, so I have two trusty-dusty cake recipes that go together in less than 10 minutes. Deep Dark Chocolate was the poison of the week. That's icing sugar on top - not mold - by the way.
Oceana and Daddy blew out his candles for him.
He was laxing out!
He was laxing out!
This is what laxing looks like to Joshua. He keeps falling asleep like this.
And I caught this yesterday while they were "watching tv together".
"Like Father, Like Son"
Joshua's cele is leaking again. Please pray this stops. It's not leaking like the first week, but it's the most we've seen since then. Probably quarter-sized spots in the morning, or a bit smaller. Other than that, he's doing great. :)
We're going to do our medical exams for our immigration paperwork this afternoon. We'll have our blood tests tomorrow morning (because the lab tech's off this afternoon). Then we have to schedule chest x-rays (to check for tuberculosis) for later in the week. OH MY GOSH. I hate this process. We just did this 11 months ago. Blah. It's a long, involved, annoying, expensive process. That's what happens when you live in a socialized-medicine country, but don't qualify for it. Blood tests alone turn into hundreds of dollars.
Matt likes to joke that it seems ridiculous to wait until we've been in the country over a year to check for syphilis, tuberculosis, and cardiovascular issues. But that's the New Zealand way. So, whatever...
I'm convinced those lab techs should be called vampires... I'm really getting over my needle phobia quickly. Between being pregnant twice and doing immigration twice in the last two years - I feel like a pincushion! When you get pregnant they want blood, when you're 6 months pregnant they want blood, when you're nine months they want blood, when you're induced they have to do a hep-lock (iv sight...OW!) and when you pull out your hep lock during contractions you have to get another (with Joshua I had two failed hep-locks and two good ones. One pulled out before I started pushing), and then when you're low on iron they want blood. Ok. Am I grossing you out yet? I was always the girl who pulled the "I don't fit the weight requirements" buzz when the blood drive came knocking (which I didn't for a few years) but now it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. :)
Enough ranting and raving for me. It's a busy day, I gotta get moving! I probably should get a shower before I see the doctor. Wow, any other new mommies not getting routine showers????
And I caught this yesterday while they were "watching tv together".
"Like Father, Like Son"
Joshua's cele is leaking again. Please pray this stops. It's not leaking like the first week, but it's the most we've seen since then. Probably quarter-sized spots in the morning, or a bit smaller. Other than that, he's doing great. :)
We're going to do our medical exams for our immigration paperwork this afternoon. We'll have our blood tests tomorrow morning (because the lab tech's off this afternoon). Then we have to schedule chest x-rays (to check for tuberculosis) for later in the week. OH MY GOSH. I hate this process. We just did this 11 months ago. Blah. It's a long, involved, annoying, expensive process. That's what happens when you live in a socialized-medicine country, but don't qualify for it. Blood tests alone turn into hundreds of dollars.
Matt likes to joke that it seems ridiculous to wait until we've been in the country over a year to check for syphilis, tuberculosis, and cardiovascular issues. But that's the New Zealand way. So, whatever...
I'm convinced those lab techs should be called vampires... I'm really getting over my needle phobia quickly. Between being pregnant twice and doing immigration twice in the last two years - I feel like a pincushion! When you get pregnant they want blood, when you're 6 months pregnant they want blood, when you're nine months they want blood, when you're induced they have to do a hep-lock (iv sight...OW!) and when you pull out your hep lock during contractions you have to get another (with Joshua I had two failed hep-locks and two good ones. One pulled out before I started pushing), and then when you're low on iron they want blood. Ok. Am I grossing you out yet? I was always the girl who pulled the "I don't fit the weight requirements" buzz when the blood drive came knocking (which I didn't for a few years) but now it doesn't seem like such a bad thing. :)
Enough ranting and raving for me. It's a busy day, I gotta get moving! I probably should get a shower before I see the doctor. Wow, any other new mommies not getting routine showers????
Friday, January 25, 2008
Day 19
Joshua slept too long last night. I think so anyways. But he's been a chow-hound all morning. So I guess he's okay. He slept from 11 to 8:30 without getting up to east. Again, I set my alarm and woke up this morning having never heard it. I don't know if the clock is broken and the alarm's not going off or if I'm soooo tired I'm either not hearing it and Matt's turning it off or I'm hearing it, turning it off, and not remembering in the morning.
It scares me that he goes that long. But he doesn't seem to be upset by it.
Oceana and I took our first big walk today. It was great to get out. That last little hill by the shops though... ugh... makes me wanna get home and put my feet up. But it's great to get out. It's great to make an effort at getting back in shape. I never got back in shape after Oceana. I lost the weight, but made absolutely no effort at getting in shape. So this time around, I'm making an effort. Death to the Muffin Top. If you've had a baby, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't had a baby or you're a man, I refuse to explain Muffin Top because all us Mommies will deny that it exists. :) I don't have a MT - what are you talking about????
I'm working on a sweater for Joshua because I'm running out of fingernails to bite.
Just to update: The doctor's visit the other day wasn't a "let's-assess-the-situation-and-make-a-different-decisions" appointment. It was simply to check on us and see if we needed any help. They've offered us help from Pediatric Homecare and from the local hospice. But because he's fine, we're okay with him being home. And honestly, I have more experience with caring for an encephalocele than just about every doctor, nurse, or specialist in the country. I've cared for a 'cele baby for 19 days - more than anyone else can say. The doctor said as much to me - in that I've had the experience, I know how to hold him, where to place him, how to roll him, how to pick him up, how to bathe him - better than anyone else.
He's gained 2 ounces. Okay, so I was a bit optimistic thinking he was over 7 lbs. But if we consider that he may have been as low as 6 lbs after birth (from 6lbs8oz) because babies lose weight after birth - he's doing really good. I think the rule of thumb is to try and get baby over their birthweight by 2 weeks. So he's on target. :) Hopefully we can start filling in those chicken legs soon.
The cold's gone. The cele's not leaking. It's a good day today. Closing in on 3 whole --- beautiful --- weeks.
It scares me that he goes that long. But he doesn't seem to be upset by it.
Oceana and I took our first big walk today. It was great to get out. That last little hill by the shops though... ugh... makes me wanna get home and put my feet up. But it's great to get out. It's great to make an effort at getting back in shape. I never got back in shape after Oceana. I lost the weight, but made absolutely no effort at getting in shape. So this time around, I'm making an effort. Death to the Muffin Top. If you've had a baby, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't had a baby or you're a man, I refuse to explain Muffin Top because all us Mommies will deny that it exists. :) I don't have a MT - what are you talking about????
I'm working on a sweater for Joshua because I'm running out of fingernails to bite.
Just to update: The doctor's visit the other day wasn't a "let's-assess-the-situation-and-make-a-different-decisions" appointment. It was simply to check on us and see if we needed any help. They've offered us help from Pediatric Homecare and from the local hospice. But because he's fine, we're okay with him being home. And honestly, I have more experience with caring for an encephalocele than just about every doctor, nurse, or specialist in the country. I've cared for a 'cele baby for 19 days - more than anyone else can say. The doctor said as much to me - in that I've had the experience, I know how to hold him, where to place him, how to roll him, how to pick him up, how to bathe him - better than anyone else.
He's gained 2 ounces. Okay, so I was a bit optimistic thinking he was over 7 lbs. But if we consider that he may have been as low as 6 lbs after birth (from 6lbs8oz) because babies lose weight after birth - he's doing really good. I think the rule of thumb is to try and get baby over their birthweight by 2 weeks. So he's on target. :) Hopefully we can start filling in those chicken legs soon.
The cold's gone. The cele's not leaking. It's a good day today. Closing in on 3 whole --- beautiful --- weeks.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Day 17
24 hours till I post picture again. Are you excited??? :)
Matt's away for the next two days. Joshua's stable enough that I don't worry about Matt doing stuff, so long as he's not too far away. He's gone to Tauranga to work on the ship. They had a leak that went unnoticed for YEARS that has turned into a big fiasco. The girls bathroom had a leak in the floor which went down behind the wall of the floor below, causing water to be trapped between the hull and the wall. All the plywood will be ruined and the ship may be rusting. Oh dear! So anyways, Matt went down to do the work, since he has carpentry experience. (Yay for Lochner's Spindles and Stairs in Avon!).
Oceana slept through the night. Woohoo! Joshua slept through the night! Woohoo! I had my alarm set for 2am to get up and feed him. I'm not sure if I turned it off and never remember, or if I never heard it and Matt turned it off. But I never got up, and Joshua doesn't seem any worse for the wear. He just has a HUGE feed when he gets up.
The doctor (GP) is coming to see Joshua this morning. It's nice to have the office care about him. I really appreciate that they make an effort and that they don't just forget about him. The doctor I saw last week for my :pain: is also Joshua's GP - so she's really quite invested in our situation now. He has a pediatrician, but she's at the hospital an hour away, so she only calls to check up.
We're having a music morning. It's finally a bit cooler (it's been muggy and hot for the better part of a week now) and we had a nice relaxing morning. I fed Joshua and Oceana went between kissing Joshua and dancing to the music.
OH! I almost forgot. No CSF leaks last night! :) And FBI background check applications in the mail! What a relief on both fronts.
I know a lot of people read this blog that don't believe in God or Jesus or the Christian lifestyle. But I make no apologies for what I believe and know to be true. With that said, here's what's on my mind:
During 2007, Matt and I were able to do a DTS (discipleship training school) at the Matamata Family Ministries base. One of the weeks the subject of death came up. Someone mentioned that we shouldn't be afraid of death. I don't know that I was afraid of death, but I didn't want to experience it at this point in my life. My main reasoning (in my head) was that if I've been giving children and a husband to care for, why would God take me? But then I remembered that it does happen - my friend lost her husband at 33, while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. And I got angry at the idea of passing away before my children were full grown, before I had a lifetime with my husband. (2 1/2 years certainly isn't a lifetime).
I never really dealt with how I felt about it, and let it lie. So this morning I was listening to THE song (from last week's post). And the words "I can sing with my last breath - Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels - And the saints around the throne" . And I realized that no matter what I tell myself, Joshua won't always be with us. But he will pass from this world into a world that is perfect. His body isn't perfect - that's the unfortunate thing about being human. None of us have perfect physical bodies - Joshua's just has more imperfections than others. But his soul and his spirit are alive and well - in perfect form. And his soul and spirit - the very depth of who he REALLY is - will pass into the Kingdom of Heaven.
That right there is reason for me not to be afraid of passing on. This isn't to say that I want - definitely not! But knowing that I'd be with Joshua (not my main reasoning in wanting to be there, let me assure you!) is a relief in some ways. I wouldn't be separated from everyone in my family is somewhat of a comfort.
It gave me a small picture of the longing that God must have for us to be with Him. God is always present, always with us if we choose to make him God in our life. But I think Heaven must be a more perfect "always with us". Not that God feels as if we're dead - but separated in a way, yes. And even THINKING about losing Joshua, about being separated from him, puts a sadness in me. A longing to be with him. A longing to hold him and kiss him. A longing to watch him. And I think that must be a small picture of how much God wants to be with us.
To those who know me personally: Who'd have ever thought I'd be the one waxing on about God... aren't I always the one that doesn't say this stuff...? The toughest of experiences begin to make us the people we're supposed to be under all the facade. I think that must be what's happening here.
Matt's away for the next two days. Joshua's stable enough that I don't worry about Matt doing stuff, so long as he's not too far away. He's gone to Tauranga to work on the ship. They had a leak that went unnoticed for YEARS that has turned into a big fiasco. The girls bathroom had a leak in the floor which went down behind the wall of the floor below, causing water to be trapped between the hull and the wall. All the plywood will be ruined and the ship may be rusting. Oh dear! So anyways, Matt went down to do the work, since he has carpentry experience. (Yay for Lochner's Spindles and Stairs in Avon!).
Oceana slept through the night. Woohoo! Joshua slept through the night! Woohoo! I had my alarm set for 2am to get up and feed him. I'm not sure if I turned it off and never remember, or if I never heard it and Matt turned it off. But I never got up, and Joshua doesn't seem any worse for the wear. He just has a HUGE feed when he gets up.
The doctor (GP) is coming to see Joshua this morning. It's nice to have the office care about him. I really appreciate that they make an effort and that they don't just forget about him. The doctor I saw last week for my :pain: is also Joshua's GP - so she's really quite invested in our situation now. He has a pediatrician, but she's at the hospital an hour away, so she only calls to check up.
We're having a music morning. It's finally a bit cooler (it's been muggy and hot for the better part of a week now) and we had a nice relaxing morning. I fed Joshua and Oceana went between kissing Joshua and dancing to the music.
OH! I almost forgot. No CSF leaks last night! :) And FBI background check applications in the mail! What a relief on both fronts.
I know a lot of people read this blog that don't believe in God or Jesus or the Christian lifestyle. But I make no apologies for what I believe and know to be true. With that said, here's what's on my mind:
During 2007, Matt and I were able to do a DTS (discipleship training school) at the Matamata Family Ministries base. One of the weeks the subject of death came up. Someone mentioned that we shouldn't be afraid of death. I don't know that I was afraid of death, but I didn't want to experience it at this point in my life. My main reasoning (in my head) was that if I've been giving children and a husband to care for, why would God take me? But then I remembered that it does happen - my friend lost her husband at 33, while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. And I got angry at the idea of passing away before my children were full grown, before I had a lifetime with my husband. (2 1/2 years certainly isn't a lifetime).
I never really dealt with how I felt about it, and let it lie. So this morning I was listening to THE song (from last week's post). And the words "I can sing with my last breath - Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels - And the saints around the throne" . And I realized that no matter what I tell myself, Joshua won't always be with us. But he will pass from this world into a world that is perfect. His body isn't perfect - that's the unfortunate thing about being human. None of us have perfect physical bodies - Joshua's just has more imperfections than others. But his soul and his spirit are alive and well - in perfect form. And his soul and spirit - the very depth of who he REALLY is - will pass into the Kingdom of Heaven.
That right there is reason for me not to be afraid of passing on. This isn't to say that I want - definitely not! But knowing that I'd be with Joshua (not my main reasoning in wanting to be there, let me assure you!) is a relief in some ways. I wouldn't be separated from everyone in my family is somewhat of a comfort.
It gave me a small picture of the longing that God must have for us to be with Him. God is always present, always with us if we choose to make him God in our life. But I think Heaven must be a more perfect "always with us". Not that God feels as if we're dead - but separated in a way, yes. And even THINKING about losing Joshua, about being separated from him, puts a sadness in me. A longing to be with him. A longing to hold him and kiss him. A longing to watch him. And I think that must be a small picture of how much God wants to be with us.
To those who know me personally: Who'd have ever thought I'd be the one waxing on about God... aren't I always the one that doesn't say this stuff...? The toughest of experiences begin to make us the people we're supposed to be under all the facade. I think that must be what's happening here.
Day 16
Thank you for all your prayers last night and today - as well as for your practical advice. This was my 5th (ever) panic attack. I know how to deal with them usually, but I was alone and worn out...
I'm feeling pretty good now, though I thought I was on the verge of another just this afternoon. Unless you've had a panic attack, you probably won't understand by reading my written explanation. But basically, I wake up in the midst of an irrational dream. It's usually one of those dreams that you wake up from a go - Wow, shouldn't have had that midnight pizza! As I wake up I'm overwelmed by this panic that is telling me I'm going to lose my babies. My first two panic attacks I was convinced Oceana was going to die (she was a week old). The third I can't remember. And the last two have been about Joshua dying. While Joshua's situation is different, it's never a logical reason for him to die in my dream. In other words: Last night I dreame I dropped a stitch while knitting, and because of that Joshua was going to die. I'm serious! I wish I was making it up.
Anyways, thank you for your prayers, and yes I'll be discussing it with my midwife.
Joshua's doing great. He went on another trip out today. We had to get fingerprints done for our immigration applications. Of course it couldn't be simple! We took Joshua and Oceana to a friends house that's really close to the police station and left them. We thought it would take 20 minutes. The first time we were sent away because there were not staff there to do it. There was a shooting in Waihi this week (it's illegal to have anything by hunting firearms in New Zealand) and the whole town is crawling with people doing the investigation. Doing fingerprints for us was NOT on their priority list. We went back to our friend's place and called another police station. The officer told us to meet him back at the original place, since he was coming there anyways. So we dash off to the station, only to wait for nearly 45 minutes. It turned out he was driving up and there was a car accident right in front of him. So of course he had to stop and document everything.... and I'm left sitting in the lobby trying not to flip out since I've just left my newborn with a friend! Haha. Joshua was fine in the end - never even woke up.
I'm exhausted today. I went to bed at 12, woke up at 1:30 with the PA - stayed up till 4 when I felt comfortable going back to bed. Oceana woke up at 6, and I about lost it right then and there. Oh well. We got up, had some breakfast, and turned on the TV. I don't like Oceana watching TV, but when I'm trying to cope - on it goes. So she danced around to some kiddie-music show while I fed Joshua. I was expecting my mom to get up early like normally and I was going to leave Oceana with her and get some more sleep. Finally at 8, when I hadn't seen her yet, I took Joshua back to our room, shut to door so Oceana coudln't poke his eyes out, and went to sleep on the couch while she played.
An hour later (mind you, I'm still in yesterday's clothes that I threw on at 6am) I hear Matt say - we've got visitors. HUH? It was good to see our friends, but wow did I feel dumb sitting there in my grubby clothes - barely awake. :)
It's been a full day to say the least.
Pictures in 36 hours. Haha. Let the countdown begin....
I'm feeling pretty good now, though I thought I was on the verge of another just this afternoon. Unless you've had a panic attack, you probably won't understand by reading my written explanation. But basically, I wake up in the midst of an irrational dream. It's usually one of those dreams that you wake up from a go - Wow, shouldn't have had that midnight pizza! As I wake up I'm overwelmed by this panic that is telling me I'm going to lose my babies. My first two panic attacks I was convinced Oceana was going to die (she was a week old). The third I can't remember. And the last two have been about Joshua dying. While Joshua's situation is different, it's never a logical reason for him to die in my dream. In other words: Last night I dreame I dropped a stitch while knitting, and because of that Joshua was going to die. I'm serious! I wish I was making it up.
Anyways, thank you for your prayers, and yes I'll be discussing it with my midwife.
Joshua's doing great. He went on another trip out today. We had to get fingerprints done for our immigration applications. Of course it couldn't be simple! We took Joshua and Oceana to a friends house that's really close to the police station and left them. We thought it would take 20 minutes. The first time we were sent away because there were not staff there to do it. There was a shooting in Waihi this week (it's illegal to have anything by hunting firearms in New Zealand) and the whole town is crawling with people doing the investigation. Doing fingerprints for us was NOT on their priority list. We went back to our friend's place and called another police station. The officer told us to meet him back at the original place, since he was coming there anyways. So we dash off to the station, only to wait for nearly 45 minutes. It turned out he was driving up and there was a car accident right in front of him. So of course he had to stop and document everything.... and I'm left sitting in the lobby trying not to flip out since I've just left my newborn with a friend! Haha. Joshua was fine in the end - never even woke up.
I'm exhausted today. I went to bed at 12, woke up at 1:30 with the PA - stayed up till 4 when I felt comfortable going back to bed. Oceana woke up at 6, and I about lost it right then and there. Oh well. We got up, had some breakfast, and turned on the TV. I don't like Oceana watching TV, but when I'm trying to cope - on it goes. So she danced around to some kiddie-music show while I fed Joshua. I was expecting my mom to get up early like normally and I was going to leave Oceana with her and get some more sleep. Finally at 8, when I hadn't seen her yet, I took Joshua back to our room, shut to door so Oceana coudln't poke his eyes out, and went to sleep on the couch while she played.
An hour later (mind you, I'm still in yesterday's clothes that I threw on at 6am) I hear Matt say - we've got visitors. HUH? It was good to see our friends, but wow did I feel dumb sitting there in my grubby clothes - barely awake. :)
It's been a full day to say the least.
Pictures in 36 hours. Haha. Let the countdown begin....
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