Day 17

24 hours till I post picture again. Are you excited??? :)

Matt's away for the next two days. Joshua's stable enough that I don't worry about Matt doing stuff, so long as he's not too far away. He's gone to Tauranga to work on the ship. They had a leak that went unnoticed for YEARS that has turned into a big fiasco. The girls bathroom had a leak in the floor which went down behind the wall of the floor below, causing water to be trapped between the hull and the wall. All the plywood will be ruined and the ship may be rusting. Oh dear! So anyways, Matt went down to do the work, since he has carpentry experience. (Yay for Lochner's Spindles and Stairs in Avon!).

Oceana slept through the night. Woohoo! Joshua slept through the night! Woohoo! I had my alarm set for 2am to get up and feed him. I'm not sure if I turned it off and never remember, or if I never heard it and Matt turned it off. But I never got up, and Joshua doesn't seem any worse for the wear. He just has a HUGE feed when he gets up.

The doctor (GP) is coming to see Joshua this morning. It's nice to have the office care about him. I really appreciate that they make an effort and that they don't just forget about him. The doctor I saw last week for my :pain: is also Joshua's GP - so she's really quite invested in our situation now. He has a pediatrician, but she's at the hospital an hour away, so she only calls to check up.

We're having a music morning. It's finally a bit cooler (it's been muggy and hot for the better part of a week now) and we had a nice relaxing morning. I fed Joshua and Oceana went between kissing Joshua and dancing to the music.

OH! I almost forgot. No CSF leaks last night! :) And FBI background check applications in the mail! What a relief on both fronts.

I know a lot of people read this blog that don't believe in God or Jesus or the Christian lifestyle. But I make no apologies for what I believe and know to be true. With that said, here's what's on my mind:
During 2007, Matt and I were able to do a DTS (discipleship training school) at the Matamata Family Ministries base. One of the weeks the subject of death came up. Someone mentioned that we shouldn't be afraid of death. I don't know that I was afraid of death, but I didn't want to experience it at this point in my life. My main reasoning (in my head) was that if I've been giving children and a husband to care for, why would God take me? But then I remembered that it does happen - my friend lost her husband at 33, while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. And I got angry at the idea of passing away before my children were full grown, before I had a lifetime with my husband. (2 1/2 years certainly isn't a lifetime).

I never really dealt with how I felt about it, and let it lie. So this morning I was listening to THE song (from last week's post). And the words "I can sing with my last breath - Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels - And the saints around the throne" . And I realized that no matter what I tell myself, Joshua won't always be with us. But he will pass from this world into a world that is perfect. His body isn't perfect - that's the unfortunate thing about being human. None of us have perfect physical bodies - Joshua's just has more imperfections than others. But his soul and his spirit are alive and well - in perfect form. And his soul and spirit - the very depth of who he REALLY is - will pass into the Kingdom of Heaven.

That right there is reason for me not to be afraid of passing on. This isn't to say that I want - definitely not! But knowing that I'd be with Joshua (not my main reasoning in wanting to be there, let me assure you!) is a relief in some ways. I wouldn't be separated from everyone in my family is somewhat of a comfort.

It gave me a small picture of the longing that God must have for us to be with Him. God is always present, always with us if we choose to make him God in our life. But I think Heaven must be a more perfect "always with us". Not that God feels as if we're dead - but separated in a way, yes. And even THINKING about losing Joshua, about being separated from him, puts a sadness in me. A longing to be with him. A longing to hold him and kiss him. A longing to watch him. And I think that must be a small picture of how much God wants to be with us.

To those who know me personally: Who'd have ever thought I'd be the one waxing on about God... aren't I always the one that doesn't say this stuff...? The toughest of experiences begin to make us the people we're supposed to be under all the facade. I think that must be what's happening here.