Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Day 17

24 hours till I post picture again. Are you excited??? :)

Matt's away for the next two days. Joshua's stable enough that I don't worry about Matt doing stuff, so long as he's not too far away. He's gone to Tauranga to work on the ship. They had a leak that went unnoticed for YEARS that has turned into a big fiasco. The girls bathroom had a leak in the floor which went down behind the wall of the floor below, causing water to be trapped between the hull and the wall. All the plywood will be ruined and the ship may be rusting. Oh dear! So anyways, Matt went down to do the work, since he has carpentry experience. (Yay for Lochner's Spindles and Stairs in Avon!).

Oceana slept through the night. Woohoo! Joshua slept through the night! Woohoo! I had my alarm set for 2am to get up and feed him. I'm not sure if I turned it off and never remember, or if I never heard it and Matt turned it off. But I never got up, and Joshua doesn't seem any worse for the wear. He just has a HUGE feed when he gets up.

The doctor (GP) is coming to see Joshua this morning. It's nice to have the office care about him. I really appreciate that they make an effort and that they don't just forget about him. The doctor I saw last week for my :pain: is also Joshua's GP - so she's really quite invested in our situation now. He has a pediatrician, but she's at the hospital an hour away, so she only calls to check up.

We're having a music morning. It's finally a bit cooler (it's been muggy and hot for the better part of a week now) and we had a nice relaxing morning. I fed Joshua and Oceana went between kissing Joshua and dancing to the music.

OH! I almost forgot. No CSF leaks last night! :) And FBI background check applications in the mail! What a relief on both fronts.

I know a lot of people read this blog that don't believe in God or Jesus or the Christian lifestyle. But I make no apologies for what I believe and know to be true. With that said, here's what's on my mind:
During 2007, Matt and I were able to do a DTS (discipleship training school) at the Matamata Family Ministries base. One of the weeks the subject of death came up. Someone mentioned that we shouldn't be afraid of death. I don't know that I was afraid of death, but I didn't want to experience it at this point in my life. My main reasoning (in my head) was that if I've been giving children and a husband to care for, why would God take me? But then I remembered that it does happen - my friend lost her husband at 33, while she was pregnant with their 2nd child. And I got angry at the idea of passing away before my children were full grown, before I had a lifetime with my husband. (2 1/2 years certainly isn't a lifetime).

I never really dealt with how I felt about it, and let it lie. So this morning I was listening to THE song (from last week's post). And the words "I can sing with my last breath - Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels - And the saints around the throne"
. And I realized that no matter what I tell myself, Joshua won't always be with us. But he will pass from this world into a world that is perfect. His body isn't perfect - that's the unfortunate thing about being human. None of us have perfect physical bodies - Joshua's just has more imperfections than others. But his soul and his spirit are alive and well - in perfect form. And his soul and spirit - the very depth of who he REALLY is - will pass into the Kingdom of Heaven.

That right there is reason for me not to be afraid of passing on. This isn't to say that I want - definitely not! But knowing that I'd be with Joshua (not my main reasoning in wanting to be there, let me assure you!) is a relief in some ways. I wouldn't be separated from everyone in my family is somewhat of a comfort.

It gave me a small picture of the longing that God must have for us to be with Him. God is always present, always with us if we choose to make him God in our life. But I think Heaven must be a more perfect "always with us". Not that God feels as if we're dead - but separated in a way, yes. And even THINKING about losing Joshua, about being separated from him, puts a sadness in me. A longing to be with him. A longing to hold him and kiss him. A longing to watch him. And I think that must be a small picture of how much God wants to be with us.

To those who know me personally: Who'd have ever thought I'd be the one waxing on about God... aren't I always the one that doesn't say this stuff...? The toughest of experiences begin to make us the people we're supposed to be under all the facade. I think that must be what's happening here.


  1. Susie,

    It's such an encouragement to read this blog day after day! I love your strength and your faith.

    I'm curious, what do the doctors say about Joshua now? It seems that he has exceeded their expectations thus far. Have there ever been similar cases that they can reference as far as what they might expect for him? I can't wait to hear what the doctor who visits him today says.

    Continue to be encouraged! You're in my thoughts and prayers.

    ~Cilla (a friend of Debbie in PA)

  2. Susie,
    I cannot believe you are just 22 years old. You are the wisest of women. The words that you write speak so much truth. My brother lost his baby girl last year and I wish he had the knowledge, wisdom, outlook that you have. It takes so much courage to process and communicate your feelings about death. I want to thank you for sharing your words. I have learned so much from you. I've never been one for praying but lately I have been saying little prayers at night for you and baby Joshua. You are truly an inspiration.
    Checking in daily,
    Mother of two in CA

  3. Susie,
    I think you have a lot more perspective than you give yourself credit for. Joshua has a blessed life being with you and Matt. Thank you for your words of wisdom. My wife and I continue to pray for a complete healing for Joshua and also for the Lords will in Joshua's life. I'm a stay at home Dad and I love kids. I had a really hard time when Seth and Tarah lost Gideon so I'm praying so believe me when I say that my wife and I are praying hard for you guys!

    -Jeff Pellicano in NY, USA

  4. It's very nice that you find comfort in your beliefs.
    I believe that's what they're there for.
    Keep up the tremendous mothering.

  5. I'm speechless. Well, okay, obviously I have something to say or else I wouldn't be typing here. :)

    How IS it that every time I check your blog you leave me just flabbergasted? I am so awestruck by your family.

    You're just amazing and I so appreciate that you've let us - strangers like me - peek through this blog window into your lives.

    Thank you,

  6. I just said to my hub today, that it's so sick that this country (the us) is so obsessed with freaking famousdrugaddictA and famousdrugaddictwhohadababyB but there you are sittin in lil ol New Zealand with a little miracle baby and it's so much more inspiring and incredible and interesting that the smut that fills the news here. Cheers to another lovely day babe.


    ps. I hope you're feeling better, my recovery was hell...I still don't feel like me. :S

  7. Mother of a miracle in NC, USAJanuary 23, 2008 at 10:13 PM

    Do you have an email address or a way that someone can contact you directly (MySpace, whatever), if you don't mind sharing that info?

    I read your blogs every day and you are such an inspiration. I think of Joshua all the time and pray for him daily.

    God Bless all of you!

  8. lol I've had that song stuck in my head since you put it up....

    still praying in Canada

  9. Susie, I'm totally amazed at your attitude....i mean, yes...i'm a Christian too and i do understand the things you said, but i guess that if i was in your place, i couldn't think that way..

    God bless you and Joshua with a long (whatever is considered long) time together!

  10. What a beautiful encouraging post Susie! You blog is always the 1st I go to in the morning. My husband & I are praying for you constantly.

    You have such a beautiful testimony and God is going to use Joshua in more ways than you know.

    I've also been curious about what the Dr's say about Joshua. They must be absolutely amazed by him.

  11. Hello again Susie. I too am completely amazed by your wisdom at the young age of 22. While I did conceive my 1st child at 22, I didn't have the wisdom and strength you have. While I am only 25, I still do not have the outlook you have. I guess you never know what you are capable of until you are put into a situation like yours. God bless and take care of those babies.

  12. It's funny how life situations change how and what you think about things. I've never been afraid to die because I look forward to being in Heaven forever with my creator but knowing that I will get to hold and meet my sweet Grace for the first time and love on Gideon once again makes me that much more excited about getting there!

    I can relate to your way of thinking. I'm glad you are processing things while at the same time it seems that you are greatly enjoying Joshua! It's a hard place to be but you're doing great Susie!


  13. To God be the glory
    Great things he hath done
    So loved he the world that he Gave us His Son
    Who yeilded his life an atonement for sin
    And opened the lifegates that all may go in.


  14. My little Rachel never walked, never spoke (except with her beautiful eye!) She never gave me a kiss, she never voluntarily held my hand. Oh but she laughed! and her smile melts my heart to tears almost twenty years after she left us at age four. My very favorite anticipation in going to heaven, in addition to seeing my dear Lord, is to hear "hi mom!" from my precious girl-once voiceless but now able to sing with all of heaven. Death is an interuption. It is not an end. Can you even begin to imagine how long eternity is? We will walk and serve our Lord together forever- Rachel and me. It is those thoughts that keep me ging on the dark night. brucedeborahd

  15. Rose, Matt's AuntJanuary 25, 2008 at 3:59 PM

    You and Matt both seem more mature for your ages. The situtation you both are in,and your faith and prayers have given you both strength and knowledge beyond your years. I know you both enjoy Joshua while you have him, and he brings you both joy. I have seen his picture and he is so adorable and cute. You both are blesed to have him with you. He is proof that doctors do not know eveything and there is POWER IN PRAYER! Praise Be To God! Love, Rose & Paul