Trucks, trains, dirt, and noise

Oh how I wish for trucks, trains, dirt, and noise.

Joshua, it's your 4th birthday today.

You would have been fully of energy, loud, rough and tumble. Everything your cousin Evan is. Evan will be four in just 6 weeks. Every time I look at him, I realize what we lost. I miss you every time I hold him in my arms. Evan is loud. He wants to wrestle. He wants to jump off everything, and hit most everything with a stick. But he has a beautiful soft side that comes out when he's tired and missing his mommy. Almost every week when he's here at our house, he sheds a few tears at bedtime because he wants Mommy.

Joshua, I want you; I want you like Evan wants Mommy.

Last night we read Heaven Is For Real, the kid's version. It was your birthday present from your Auntie Christina & Uncle Bryce. Oceana, Naomi, and Evan sat with me in the girls' room and we read about your new home. A place where the angel Gabriel is as tall as a giant and he has a big, flaming sword. We read about how people in Heaven know their family when they get there. I thought about your two siblings, I think they were brothers, who joined you there with Jesus last year. I'm glad you three are together. We read about the animals in Heaven, andabout how much God loves children. We're glad you are well.

But we miss you sweetie. We miss you every day. Our family will always have a missing piece. Even though there's a new little baby coming to join our family this year, she won't replace you. There will always be a space for a fun-loving little boy right between Oceana and Naomi. A place that you will always belong, but never be physically.

We miss you and we love you.

Watch for your blue balloons today... Nana, Baboo, Uncle Drew, and Auntie Cate sent you one yesterday. There are more coming this afternoon.

Christmas Day

Our little girls gave us until just around 8am to sleep. Thanks to a late Christmas Eve service.

They really loved their new sleeping bags Momma made.

Naomi is over the moon with her new Rapunzel doll.

Oceana loved everything she opened. Especially the "cowgirl" clothes (hat, shirt, bandana, and boots) that she asked for.

But one gift we weren't counting on, was this new cast. Just about bedtime (Ok, 15 minutes past bedtime, I was running behind), Naomi tumbled down at entire flight of (thankfully carpeted) stairs. I looked up when I heard the tumbling, just in time to see her in a full upside down cartwheel about halfway down the stairs. :( My poor baby broke both bones in her lower arm (radius and ulna) with at least one, maybe two buckle fractures. I understood it was 1 buckle, 1 greenstick, but then at the ortho yesterday it sounded like she had 2 buckles. Irrelevant really, she has a broken arm. She has to wear a sling for at least 2 weeks, and the cast for 4. The sling attaches to that D-ring they plastered right in with the fiberglass. Thank you Mr. Pediatric Orthopedic Surgeon for knowing that if it's not attached to her cast and tied to her neck at all times, she won't be wearing it. :) (PS, the D-ring is in her mouth because she thinks it's a phone). Poor baby....

Naomi according to FB statuses

‎"Naomi, get your bumbum off the table." "I not bumbum on da table. I have undies!" "It's still rude, even with undies."

Bye bye penny. We'll see you in a few days..... "Mommy! Da penny! In my mouff! It gone! Oww... I'm ok."

Naomi, while looking up at the Christmas tree: "Can we get more bingle bells?"

‎"Mom! Wook at me! I'm a pirate!" Ok diaper-wearing 2yo, whatever you say.

What *IS IT* about the hour before bedtime that makes my kids act absolutely bonkers? #mommysgoingtohaveanervousbreakdown

Naomi "Da wights! Da wights not on! (tree lights)" She runs over to plug them in and then says, "Dere, now it Kissmas!" That's right baby, it's not Christmas 'til the lights are on ;) She's so fun!

‎"Mom, can I wear boots to church?" "Uh, yah. Sure." ---- I've given up the "reasonable" clothing thing .... sweatpants, stained shirts, rain boots. Whatever....

Dear Sweet 2yo,
4:30am hurts, doesn't it? Let's try early to bed and not repeat the mistake.
Sincerely,
your frazzled mother.

Thanks pregnancy nose for saving my carpet: "Hmm... I smell nailpolish. WHY DO I SMELL NAILPOLISH!!??!" Foiled again Naomi....

So, in case you've missed it over the last 2+ years of reading about Naomi's antics .... she's a busy kid. In fact, words used (by others, including strangers) to describe her, include but are not limited to:

Spitfire

Fireball

Ball of energy

Handful

Something (As in: Ain't she something')

Full of energy

The boy (my father-in-law)

Life is never dull. Never. Ever.

I'm just a little worried about how Little Sister is going to do with her antics.... Time will tell.

Photo credit to Emily at ELFotography.

The wane in blogging

In the past when I've neglected my blog, I'd run back and apologize. I'm sorry I left you! I'm really here still! Here are the reasons for my absence...

But the truth is I've lost some of my enjoyment of blogging. And the truth is that this is *Joshua's* blog. I feel strange when I post anything about my business, anything about sewing or things of that nature. And that's what fills my life right now, besides my girls.

I don't want this to become "The blog about her son that turned into her sewing blog". It just doesn't seem right. Continuing on with our family story, yes. But I want to blog about sewing, about aprons, about crafts. I don't because this is Joshua's place.

I started blogging here 4 years ago. I'm not saying I'm done. But I'll probably start to concentrate my efforts over at the sewing blog (bouncingblossom.blogspot.com). It feel bad putting things here.

That said, there's an update going up over there in just a minute. I hope, in the next little while, to start doing more fun things there. I still love you all. Check in occasionally - I'll post about the baby and my girls as I feel the need. Maybe just writing this post will take the pressure off? I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Etsy Sale

I tried going out to Kohls and Bed, Bath, and Beyond at midnight on Black Friday, came home to sleep for 2 hours, and then went back out to KMart and Joann Fabrics at 5am. It took me 2 full days to recover. Of course, I don't recommend coming down with a stomach bug in the midst of it all.... Yeesh! At least shopping from your computer is less painful and doesn't waste your hours of sleep away. :)

I usually shy away from advertising for my Etsy shop here on Be Strong & Courageous. I'm working on creating a second blog - Bouncing Blossom Designs - but since there's not much traffic there yet (I think there's 2 followers just yet...) I thought I'd pop this info up here too.

I'm offering 20% off to blog readers & Facebook "Likers" (Facebook Page ) through tonight for Black Friday through Cyber Monday. I'll take the code down tonight, so this is your last day to snag something. Anything ready-made in the shop is 20% off. And if you order an apron today - either through the Facebook page or by email (~~bouncing blossom at gmail dot com~~) shipping is free. ($32 total).

Happy Shopping!

The Big Reveal

Our little one is doing great. Healthy, with no defects, no issues. Nothing to report. The doctor (high risk, maternal fetal medicine) said, "We don't need to see you again." Awesome. Boring ultrasounds are GREAT.

The girls have something they'd like to show you.

Recently

Has it really been almost 2 months since I've put any photos of the girls up here?

It's ok, you can yell at me.

Here's a few photos from recently.

I gave up trying to control Oceana's "matching style" for school - even if it means she went to school looking like this on more than one occasion.

Oceana's Sleeping Beauty dress. We don't "celebrate" Halloween - but we do create costumes and go to the harvest party. This year we also stood outside for the Halloween parade (and I willed Mr. Freddy Krueger to skip over my kids - thank goodness he did). They were *showered* in candy. And preggy-momma over here is not complaining one bit.

Naomi sporting a Christmas bow I sold. Yes, she has *both* fingers in her nose.

She's the more willing participant when I need a photo of a product for my shop. ;) And she's CUTE too!

An exercise in bravery

I remember the first year Matt and I were married. It was an interesting year.

Matt worked 30 hours a week and went to school full time. He built stairs.

I worked 20 hours a week and went to school full time. I sold wedding gowns.

We had been married since July 9th and pregnant just weeks after.

To say life was "full" was just laughable. It was insane. I napped on my lunch break between chapel and class. An hour and a half break, minus my walking time to and from class, and I still had to eat something. Our one-bedroom-apartment was an exercise in "stacking" - cram packed with stuff! Oh my!

Matt kept reading Joshua chapter 1 and reading over and over "Be strong & courageous".

Then in 2008 he read it again "Be strong & courageous". And we named Joshua because of it. I named this blog because of his reading in Joshua, and because of our little guy.

And since then it's been a catch phrase in our house.

If any phrase were to describe the walk we've been on in the last 6 1/2 years - it would be that.

"Be strong & courageous".

You know what's interesting about those words? They were spoken to Joshua (the Bible Joshua) 7 times. Joshua needed reminding.

I need reminding.

It was hard and scary to be pregnant with Naomi, after losing Joshua.

It was even harder to be pregnant last year after having one miscarriage and losing Joshua.

This time around it has been especially hard to be pregnant. Not only have we lost Joshua and had two miscarriages, but I've had a rough time this time.

At 10 weeks the midwife couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So we waited.

At 12 weeks she still couldn't find a heartbeat. I rushed to get an ultrasound that day and baby was fine. But I was sure everything was over - that I had lost the baby.

At 14 weeks I went in for a check up and had a pap smear. I had spotting that day (a Friday).

Then 5 days later (Tuesday) I started spotting again. I freaked out, told Matt to take Oceana to school, scooped up Naomi, threw on my shoes and drove to the ER.

The baby was fine.

At 15 weeks my spotting started again. I rushed off to the midwife again. Baby was fine.

At 16 weeks I started spotting again. I waiting this time - knowing this was just "my body". But it doesn't make me feel any better about it.

Now at 17 1/2 weeks I've had a break for the spotting and I'm hoping that has passed.

But it's SCARY. There's no way around it. It's one thing to worry about a miscarriage. It's entirely different to have had multiple losses and be pregnant again.

It's also hard to know what I do. I mentioned my paranoia to my midwife, "I have a lot of friends with children who have genetic disorders and diseases. It's scary to wait, knowing about things like Trisomy 13, 18, and Epidermolysis Bullosa." To which she looked at me strangely and said, "But you know that's really rare, right?"

All I could think was, "It's not rare when 3 of your friends have EB kids."

But you know what? One day at a time. One moment at a time. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna carry on. Strong. Courageous. Or trying to be, at least.

Not so long ago...

Once upon a time I didn't understand.

Once upon a time I was ignorant to the sorrows of the world.

Once upon a time I had no idea.

When I was just 9-years-old a babysitter of mine, Rene died tragically while pregnant. She and her daughter were buried together. I remember looking at tiny Jessica in the casket, and being sad for her daddy and for her family. But I was 9. I couldn't completely grasp the situation.

When I was 11-years-old a family in my church announced they were expecting a baby. Her routine ultrasound showed she had anencephaly. She was born at 7 months and lived for 12 minutes. I went to her funeral with my parents and cried for this tiny little girl that died too soon.

But even though I had sympathy, I didn't understand.

Even while expecting Oceana and watching a classmate and his wife struggle with a high-risk pregnancy, I couldn't wrap my head around all that it meant. Gideon was born at 26 weeks and lived for just 6 weeks. I felt guilty still being pregnant.

And then came Joshua.

I was thrown into a world I did not understand. I joined a "club" I never wished to join.

Now I understand.

I understand the holes that pregnancy and infant loss creates.

I understand that those holes will never, nor should they be, filled.

Since losing Joshua, I've lost two pregnancies (August 2010 and December 2010).

Those are two more holes.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Will you remember with me?

The truth of the matter

.... is that tonight instead of cleaning my kitchen and folding laundry, I pinned puffy sleeves on a bodice and watched a documentary on Netflix.

.... is that tonight I let my oldest stay up and play XBox360 golf with Daddy until ten minutes to ten.

.... is that tonight, for the first time in close to a month, bedtime was easy with Naomi.

.... is that tonight I talked with a friend on the phone for 2+ hours.

.... is that tonight I shared Joshua's story again. And again I was reminded how blessed I was in that Joshua was allowed to go home with me in the state he was. And again I was reminded that he was a miracle.

.... is that tonight I noticed the girls' fish is floating on its side at the top of the bowl. And now I am aware there will be a trip to the pet store tomorrow.

... is that tonight I stayed up far too late, filling my head with things to ponder, and accomplished nothing that I felt I "should".

.... is that I will go to bed with my dishes still in the sink and my laundry still unfolded.

.... is that I will attempt to ignore my mom-guilt. And sleep soundly. Because Naomi went to bed on time, so she won't sleep in 'til 8am anymore.

Das Bumpage

Life's busy. I've got kidlets. And a business. And a messy house. And enough errands to drive me absolutely crazy.

And I've got a bump! A big bump. But it's not a big bump because there's two babies in there or because I'm 6 months pregnant. No, I'm just 12 weeks pregnant .... and 6th pregnancies show up like WA-BAM. Especially since I didn't shave off the excess 20lbs I gained in the last year....

What's that you say? I skated over my pregnancy announcement? Why, yes I did. ;)

I saw baby on the ultrasound last week and saw him/her move like a the little shimmying-shaking-Sams baby it is. Seriously, every time I got for an ultrasound my technician says (4 pregnancies that I've had ultrasounds when baby was alive) "Wow, this baby doesn't want to hold still! Such a mover!" Yep, 4x. It's a Sams kid.... And I probably won't get a calm kid this time either ;).

So very excited to meet this little one, who my friend nicknamed Jetta, after our car. She and her husband were praying for baby in its very (VERY, 4 weeks) early days and needed a name to use. So her husband named it after our car. LOL.

Why I love the thrift store

Having two girls is great. Whenever I need a new size or season, I can find it. 2T sweatshirts? No problem. Size 8 shoes, no problem!

But when Oceana grows, we are stuck, stuck, stuck.

Maybe you have a cousin or close friend whose child is 1 year older than you, but not us. Oceana has one hand-me-down friend whose older but she's built like a piece of pipe and wears all slims and longs. Doesn't work on my average-sized 5 year old. :) We keep the shirts, *thanks Deb*, but the pants dont' really work for us at this point.

So when I pulled out the winter clothes last week as the temps finally dipped low enough for a sweatshirt and jeans, I realized Oceana had gone through another growth spurt. All her jeans from 5 months ago were not only too small, but about 3 inches too short. Wow, I guess she did grow!

Like many of you, the idea of running and buying a bunch of new clothes is not fun at all. But I thought I might try to thrift a bit and see if I could find "enough" to get her through til Christmas. Ha. "Enough".

My friend Christina and I took four of our five chilluns to the Goodwill Bargain Bin on Lincoln Hwy in Lancaster. If you don't like chaos and disorganization, this is not your place. But if you are willing to dig for a bargain, baby this is your spot. It works best in pairs. I watch for all the boys stuff, she watches for girls stuff. I watch for her size (which is certifiably tiny) and she watches for more "generous" proportions. Hello 20lbs from last year that I hate....

Two pairs of eyes plus a play area in the corner for kids. It's a cheap-o's dream come true!

Here's what we came away with. Plus a Christmas tree skirt, a white cardigan for me, a pair of brown leggings for Oceana, and ringer bearer's pillow for dress up that didn't go through the wash yet. For .... Wait for it..... $20. All of this. $0.85 for clothes, $1.00 for blankets/sheets/etc, $1.50 for shoes. $0.50 for stuff - toys, bags, knick knacks. It's amazing! Love it!

Tshirt, sweater, corduroy pants, snow pants, and a corduroy jumper.

Pumpkin, sequined top, fleece cape, turtleneck, swim shirt (for next year), turtleneck

Dance leotard, tunic/jumper, button down floral shirt, jeans, plaid jumper, turtleneck sweater

And leggings for Naomi, a new makeup bag for me, and a silver cardigan for me.

One of the things I love about this is, there are no stains (that we've seen yet), no rips, and there's brands I recognize! (Old Navy, Gymboree, etc).

It's not that I don't love you over here at Be Strong & Courageous. I do. I just have so much on my plate right now that blogging has taken a back seat.

This is not to say that the *computer* has taken a backseat. Oh no. On the contrary. I have to make a concerted effort to get *away* from said computer every single day. And it's not all Facebook's fault. I said, "not all".

Here's a few things I've been working on lately:

And that's just this week! Oh my, yes, it's been a full-on week.

Besides all this, there's housework. And the fact that apparently my kids like to eat. Three times a day. Every day. And teaching Oceana to read. (Oh my, seriously, where did the last 5 years go?). We're in "Cat and Rat Sat on the Mat" territory over here. Oh you know, and Naomi and her antics. Oh my goodness that child.....

So, I still love you. And if life settles down a bit, I'll be back. In the meantime, you can find me on Bouncing Blossom Designs on Facebook, at bouncingblossom.etsy.com and watch for more photos here when I come up for air.

Saying goodbye when you're not prepared

Sunday morning I got a phone call I did not expect. It was about 8am, I was dozing in front of Nick Jr, hoping my girls didn't destroy anything while I nodded off. Matt's phone was beside me on the windowsill and started to ring.

Matt's phone never rings on Sunday morning.

I picked it up and saw that it was my sister. And a sense of dread hit me. My sister Havalah lives in Phoenix. Which meant she was calling me at 5 in the morning. That could only mean one thing.

Something was wrong.

And I was right.

My paternal grandmother passed away suddenly from a pulmonary embolism (clot from the lung). We knew she was in the hospital dealing with an infection in her leg. But we had no idea it was so serious. It was completely unexpected. Perhaps not for everyone, but it was for me.

My grandmother - Doris Mears - was 78. She lived 9 years and 2 months without my grandfather Bob who went to be with the Lord in 2002. She leaves behind three children and their partners, twelve grandchildren and their partners, 5 great-grandchildren, several babies in utero, and several grand/great-grand babies are waiting to greet her in Heaven.

My most vivid memories of my grandmother are of her days caring for the elderly in her home. She and my grandfather did in-home care for the elderly. At every family gathering there were extra "greats" at the table. She worked from sun-up to sun-down caring for them. She loved them and treated them with respect. Many of them - like Margaret and Bill - became beloved members of our family because they spent so many years with us.

Love you G.G.