Saturday, January 7, 2012

Trucks, trains, dirt, and noise

Oh how I wish for trucks, trains, dirt, and noise.

Joshua, it's your 4th birthday today.

You would have been fully of energy, loud, rough and tumble. Everything your cousin Evan is. Evan will be four in just 6 weeks. Every time I look at him, I realize what we lost. I miss you every time I hold him in my arms. Evan is loud. He wants to wrestle. He wants to jump off everything, and hit most everything with a stick. But he has a beautiful soft side that comes out when he's tired and missing his mommy. Almost every week when he's here at our house, he sheds a few tears at bedtime because he wants Mommy.

Joshua, I want you; I want you like Evan wants Mommy.

Last night we read Heaven Is For Real, the kid's version. It was your birthday present from your Auntie Christina & Uncle Bryce. Oceana, Naomi, and Evan sat with me in the girls' room and we read about your new home. A place where the angel Gabriel is as tall as a giant and he has a big, flaming sword. We read about how people in Heaven know their family when they get there. I thought about your two siblings, I think they were brothers, who joined you there with Jesus last year. I'm glad you three are together. We read about the animals in Heaven, andabout how much God loves children. We're glad you are well.

But we miss you sweetie. We miss you every day. Our family will always have a missing piece. Even though there's a new little baby coming to join our family this year, she won't replace you. There will always be a space for a fun-loving little boy right between Oceana and Naomi. A place that you will always belong, but never be physically.

We miss you and we love you.

Watch for your blue balloons today... Nana, Baboo, Uncle Drew, and Auntie Cate sent you one yesterday. There are more coming this afternoon.


  1. Aww this made me cry!! You are so strong!! Happy Birthday Joshua!!!

    <3 Amy & Camden from Babyfit

  2. Awww Happy 4th Birthday Joshua!

  3. :::tears::: Hard to believe it's been nearly 4 years already since he was 'promoted'.

  4. Happy Birthday Joshua!

    Susie, your sweet little boy will always be remembered by me. (I started reading your blog about this time 4 years ago.)

  5. Happy Birthday Joshua! I miss seeing new pictures of your sweet little face.

  6. Tears all over the place. Praying God's unending peace and comfort as you journey with the blessing that he is in your heart.

  7. Susie,

    I have followed your blog now then for over four years. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long. Joshua's story was one I followed, prayed over, and shed some serious tears for. Susie, nothing I say (or anyone says) can make this day any easier or the pain any less, but I just wanted to say that Joshua mattered. He made a tremendous impact on me and on so many others that followed his story here. I still think of him and remember his life. Sending prayers to you for this time. ~Sherri in North Carolina

  8. Happy Belated birthday Joshua...I hope you found Noah and Quinton and invited them to your party...I know they are a bit younger than you but I am sure that you will be great friends when you meet!! You have amazing parents that were not afraid to share your life story and through your amazing life Noah and Quinton's parents were assured that they would be ok to let their boys go to live in Heaven. Looking forward to meeting you one day!!! Sweet Dreams

  9. It was really an amazing moment to open your blog and see a picture of Joshua. I haven't visited for awhile so I settled in and got caught up.

    The girls are huge! Blink and they've grown. I'm excited for you to have another girl, but sort of sad, too. I know it's not popular to admit such things, but I really want to see another baby boy in your family. Most of all, I just wish for her to be born healthy! It sounds like you've had a really rough time. I completely empathize with you about how hard it feels to be pregnant after so much loss. Too bad your midwife didn't quite get it.

    Yes, once one's eyes are open to certain realities, we are never the same.

    I hope that 2012 finds you and your family doing well, with a new little girl in your arms, kicking and smiling, and two awesome big girls taking turns bugging her!

  10. I love that book as a gift for your family. I can't believe it has been four years and I have been following your story all along and never will forget your special angel.

  11. Just stopping by to see if you are doing well! Your little blessing will be here soon right? Thinking of you and your sweet family!

  12. Reading this I Joshua was born 4 weeks before you Joshua. I remember searching for your mommy on Babyfit when she was still carrying you within the protective home God miraculously created for you, because I had heard of your specialness. When I found out your mommy loved God it was such an encouragement...praising God for the difference your life made in drawing me closer to God in prayer through you {{hugs}}