Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Day 16

Thank you for all your prayers last night and today - as well as for your practical advice. This was my 5th (ever) panic attack. I know how to deal with them usually, but I was alone and worn out...
I'm feeling pretty good now, though I thought I was on the verge of another just this afternoon. Unless you've had a panic attack, you probably won't understand by reading my written explanation. But basically, I wake up in the midst of an irrational dream. It's usually one of those dreams that you wake up from a go - Wow, shouldn't have had that midnight pizza! As I wake up I'm overwelmed by this panic that is telling me I'm going to lose my babies. My first two panic attacks I was convinced Oceana was going to die (she was a week old). The third I can't remember. And the last two have been about Joshua dying. While Joshua's situation is different, it's never a logical reason for him to die in my dream. In other words: Last night I dreame I dropped a stitch while knitting, and because of that Joshua was going to die. I'm serious! I wish I was making it up.
Anyways, thank you for your prayers, and yes I'll be discussing it with my midwife.

Joshua's doing great. He went on another trip out today. We had to get fingerprints done for our immigration applications. Of course it couldn't be simple! We took Joshua and Oceana to a friends house that's really close to the police station and left them. We thought it would take 20 minutes. The first time we were sent away because there were not staff there to do it. There was a shooting in Waihi this week (it's illegal to have anything by hunting firearms in New Zealand) and the whole town is crawling with people doing the investigation. Doing fingerprints for us was NOT on their priority list. We went back to our friend's place and called another police station. The officer told us to meet him back at the original place, since he was coming there anyways. So we dash off to the station, only to wait for nearly 45 minutes. It turned out he was driving up and there was a car accident right in front of him. So of course he had to stop and document everything.... and I'm left sitting in the lobby trying not to flip out since I've just left my newborn with a friend! Haha. Joshua was fine in the end - never even woke up.

I'm exhausted today. I went to bed at 12, woke up at 1:30 with the PA - stayed up till 4 when I felt comfortable going back to bed. Oceana woke up at 6, and I about lost it right then and there. Oh well. We got up, had some breakfast, and turned on the TV. I don't like Oceana watching TV, but when I'm trying to cope - on it goes. So she danced around to some kiddie-music show while I fed Joshua. I was expecting my mom to get up early like normally and I was going to leave Oceana with her and get some more sleep. Finally at 8, when I hadn't seen her yet, I took Joshua back to our room, shut to door so Oceana coudln't poke his eyes out, and went to sleep on the couch while she played.
An hour later (mind you, I'm still in yesterday's clothes that I threw on at 6am) I hear Matt say - we've got visitors. HUH? It was good to see our friends, but wow did I feel dumb sitting there in my grubby clothes - barely awake. :)
It's been a full day to say the least.

Pictures in 36 hours. Haha. Let the countdown begin....


  1. so glad you're feeling better, it can feel like a heartattack - i was on the way to the hospital literlly thinking i was having a heart attack only to realize it was panic. Much love to everyone today <3

  2. Oh Susie,
    I hope that today will be a better day. I can only imagine the dreams you've had lately! So,I am sending you a better and peaceful nights sleep. It's hard enogh getting sleep with 2 let alone good sleep if you've been having bad dreams!!
    The fingerprinting day sounds eventful to say the least!? Thankyou everyday for writing and keep us updated.
    Love from Texas,

  3. You are all such beautiful people! I'm from the Babyfit October board and have been following Joshua's story since he was born. I'm so happy he's doing as well as he has been! I follow your prayers daily. Good luck to you and your family. I'll continue praying!

  4. Glad you are feeling a little better. It must be so hard living with so much uncertainty. Just keep praying about it and know that it is in God's hands. As for the grubby clothes...everyone is just going to have to understand :)

  5. I am praying that you have no more panic attacks, and that you get the sleep you need to care for your children. you are a strong person, but everyone has a breaking point. [Get some rest!]Dianne

  6. Oh, how I wish I could be there to help you!!! I am missing you all so very much already. Praying that Oceana will continue to sleep through the night and that you can grab some naps when she does. I know what a busy girl she is!!! Hugs to you, Oceana & Joshua. Love you, Mom

  7. Hi, I just wanted to let you know that you have one more reader. I'm Heather, from Alabama (US) and I stumbled on your blog through the man who took your photos. (Very beautiful photos, btw.) I'll be praying for your family, for Joshua. You have beautiful children.

  8. I wish we were all there to hold you! I found, in some of my darkest times, that I could concentrate on making it through the next two minutes-- not more. And when those two minutes were up I'd work on the next. Forget the whole "one day at a time"! Go for the minutes. We're praying! Brucedeborahd