Thursday, February 7, 2008

Another mid-night prayer request

Another one. Yeah, another panic attack. It started 20 minutes ago at 1:20am Friday morning (7:30am Thursday EST). I'd been asleep about an hour and a half. It's not as bad as the last one. But I still won't be able to sleep for (EASILY) another half hour to hour.

Please refrain from telling me to test my thyroid - I did. The labwork got lost (we only realized yesterday) and it's still "in process". I appreciate the advice - but let's not beat a dead horse.

Please pray this stops.

While I'm on this prayer request line - I almost wrote a PR list post before bed, but skipped it.

1). We have a particular test/exam we want Joshua to have. We need a speedy reaction to our request with the doctors, the right doctors on hand on the day, a good interpretation by an excellent doctor, and Joshua's cooperation. If he doesn't cooperate, they can't do it.

2). Wisdom for the next step. It's difficult when you're face with two camps of thought - a)Let him go with dignity, don't put him through too much, do the best for him, and b) exhaust every possibility, leave no stone unturned, do the best for him. It's hard to know what's best sometimes.

3). Miraculous outcome for Joshua. Miracles might look different than we expect - but we expect miraculous outcomes for Joshua.

4). A conclusion regarding these night-time attacks. Whether it's medical/physical or medical/mental, or purely spiritual... I am SICK of them. They are debilitating and fear-riddled.

5). Immigration:
- That the job description gets finished quickly
- That the request for a reference letter from my old job gets to the right person and gets completed quickly
- That the fingerprints for the FBI background checks go through the first time, and that they follow the deadline on the form
- That the letter from Joshua's pediatrian (for confirmation of his diagnosis) is completed quickly
- No need for "additional information" once the application is in. (The results in my running around like a chicken with my head cut off for day - trying to find the "additional info").


  1. Aw, hon! Being a fellow sufferer of panic/anxiety attacks, I can understand how debilitating they can be when they're happening.

    Are you able to take any kind of anti-anxiety medication - or is that not an option for you?

    I don't comment often but I've been following along since shortly after Joshua was born and I hope yu know how many lives your precious little boy has touched. God surely has a reason.

  2. Dear Susie,
    I will definitely pray. I'm not sure if this will help, but after reading your 1st post regarding your panic attacks...I considered telling you a part of my story. After reading this 2nd one...I feel that I am supposed to for what it's worth. I just want you to know that I struggled with PAs and INTENSE, overwhelming, crippling fear from the time I was 10 yrs. old until I was 15. It was like 5 years from ...that bad place that burns a lot:) I'm NOT meaning that in a discouraging way, but I just thought that possibly identifying with someone might help. It used to help me. Still does;) My mom/family has a genetic disease that causes birth defects. I lost a little sister when I was 10. She was 2 weeks old. I share that not for your sympathy, nor to spark any fear into your situation, but simply (again) to help you understand that I identify with your pain & fears. Maybe not to the full extent...I've never had a child to worry about, but yea:) So...all that is to say...I'm sorry. It does have an end. In retrospect...I have yet to feel as close to the Lord as I did during those times of panic and fear, but didn't realize it until afterward. Worship music was my closest companion into the late hours of the night (head phones usually). There wasn't a whole lot others could do to help except pray & "be there for me". I had to walk through it & "feel" completely alone, but in reality...God was literally my life force. So, I know that may not help at all. It's not really advice, but meant for encouragement & support purposes. So yea, I'm praying & I love you:)

    Jennie M.

  3. IS the imigration paperwork so you can copme to the US or somewhere else to find help fro Joshua?

    I have reread some of blogs, but not sure where you are going or why?

  4. Susie!! (((Hugs)) I think there is nothing "wrong" with you so to speak. You live with tremendous uncertainty in your life. You've been pg and bf'ing twice in two years. You got terrible news about your baby boy and while you've enjoyed over a month with him you have no idea what the future holds for him. I think it's only natural for you to feel anxious, panicky, scared, overwhelmed, etc. Can you take anything? In the meantime, be gentle with yourself. You're already a hero...Are you letting yourself be angry, sad, scared, over joyed, etc?

    I know you're not looking for advice on Joshua's care and I'm not trying to offer--but what would his long term prognosis be if he continues to live? Meaning, clearly they'll have to do something with his cele, but what type of challenges does he face? Maybe if you have an idea of what his life will be like, you will find a clearer answer for you and your family (your marriage, Oceana, future kids, your lives, etc). I don't think there will be a "best" answer, because what you're going through sucks (yep, I said it!)--but maybe there's an answer that will bring you some peace in knowing you did what was best for your precious boy.

    Many hugs to you right now!!

  5. I've been following but never posted. My suggestion for your panic attacks would be to a 100 mg of vitamin B-1 every hour you're awake.

    I don't believe B1 will be harmful to Joshua while you are breastfeeding but it's worth looking into.

    Bear in mind that B1 takes a couple weeks to hit your system but it's the most amazing vitamin when it comes to panic and your nervous system... it keeps the yucky thoughts/dreams at bay.

  6. I've just prayed. May you find comfort in Gods arms.

  7. feel better love<3


  8. Hi Susie,

    I'm praying daily for you guys! I feel like I know you even though we've never met!!

    I wanted you to know that I added Joshua to our churches prayer chain. I figure the more people praying the better, right?!

  9. Not to be rude, but you really should cut out the caffeine. It's known to cause and worsen panic attacks. It would certainly be a step in the right direction and the cravings will not last long. B vitamins are also a great idea and will not harm Joshua.

  10. hey a friend of mine referred me to your site and i just stopped by to take a look, but i have to say that you are an amazing mother. Your son and daughter are so beautiful and inspirational it literally brings me to tears. After hearing about your story i just had to check out your site and after reading a few of the posts i am so overwhelmed by how positive you are and it is completely evident how God is working through you and your family. I'll probably come back every once and a while to get some updates, but i will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope that God brings many more times of joy and prosperity to your lives!!

  11. Susie, I just wanted to say I'm addicted to your blog. After checking my email, its the first thing I do when I get online in the morning :). As I was reading about your panic attack I thought that from now on when I struggle with fear (I've been fearful ever since the mission where we lived was threatened during the election violence in Kenya)instead of dwelling on the fear I'll try to remember to pray extra hard for you. You have been a source of inspiration to me during a difficult time in my life. Thank you! I'm praying for the miracle to continue!

    Sarah C.

  12. Don't cut the caffiene!! Well, at least if you don't want to. I get the same terrifying panic attacks and they were still there without caffiene. I find if caffiene helps you get through the morn/afternoon especially when you check on kids a few times a night, use it! B vitamins are great though. Your still out of whack hormones and especially the uncertainty of how much time you have with Joshua, and a lot of other worries about his comfort and care are bound to bring these PA's on. I will just pray for you that there are fewer and fewer of them and short lived. Remember, and I know it's hard, that God is in control, he IS there, he has not turned his back and in that storm of panic he would adore to hear you say Our Father... this faith will help you through the panic attack. Do not be afraid to let go of the control you never had in the first place.
    I know thats a tall order, but it is a tall order made just for souls like you whom God picks to be a light of faith in darkness.
    It is a very great blessing to be worthy to suffer so deeply.
    Of course you do not choose this suffering and would never, you know full well it is beyond your strength, and this is why you are chosen, because you know this. It is not your strength, but His. Your foundation is built upon the rock and He will not fail you.
    In the panic attack, in that storm, let yourself be cradled in your Father's arms,imagine yourself in that little boat in that raging sea and trust him, He will surround you with his mercy and peace.
    God Bless you.
    praying in California

  13. I know this was posted months ago, but I just wanted to let you know I'm praying about your panic attacks.