Saturday, October 15, 2011

Not so long ago...

Once upon a time I didn't understand.

Once upon a time I was ignorant to the sorrows of the world.

Once upon a time I had no idea.

When I was just 9-years-old a babysitter of mine, Rene died tragically while pregnant. She and her daughter were buried together. I remember looking at tiny Jessica in the casket, and being sad for her daddy and for her family. But I was 9. I couldn't completely grasp the situation.

When I was 11-years-old a family in my church announced they were expecting a baby. Her routine ultrasound showed she had anencephaly. She was born at 7 months and lived for 12 minutes. I went to her funeral with my parents and cried for this tiny little girl that died too soon.

But even though I had sympathy, I didn't understand.

Even while expecting Oceana and watching a classmate and his wife struggle with a high-risk pregnancy, I couldn't wrap my head around all that it meant. Gideon was born at 26 weeks and lived for just 6 weeks. I felt guilty still being pregnant.

And then came Joshua.

I was thrown into a world I did not understand. I joined a "club" I never wished to join.

Now I understand.

I understand the holes that pregnancy and infant loss creates.

I understand that those holes will never, nor should they be, filled.

Since losing Joshua, I've lost two pregnancies (August 2010 and December 2010).

Those are two more holes.

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Will you remember with me?


  1. I lit a candle at 7pm my time last night, remembering the little bubbas who did not stay long enough xx

  2. We lit a candle in our window tonight for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day to remember our son and all of the other babies who were taken too soon.

  3. I will absolutely remember with you. Joshua, your little angels, and my 2 precious babies miscarried 11/06 and 2/07. Rest in peace sweet angels. NONE of them will EVER be forgotten.

  4. Remembering Noah and Quinton. And thankful to you and your husband for putting your Joshua's life out on the internet that others could find comfort.

  5. I still wish I didn't fully grasp that loss. Its such a horrible "club" to be part of. I am praying for you and your three angel babies today <3

  6. I remember your Joshua. And the two you lost since then. I remember my Sam born at 20 weeks gestation with hydrocephalus and an umbilical cord defect and then a few years later my Jonas born at 20 weeks gestation perfect but with a knot in his cord. I remember the two I lost early as well. It does leave a hole that will never be filled. But it also helps make us who we are today.

  7. Wow Susie this was a powerful blog post. You made me cry friend! I love you and all the your babies that are now with Jesus!


  8. You are a stronger women today because of your losses. They are very sad but cheers for keeping your head held high!!
    Lovely Little Rants

  9. The day will come when Joshua and his two little siblings will run into your arms.

    When I picture my nine children racing toward me, there is indescribably peace and joy.

    It does not make their absence less painful, it doesn't make me forget... it doesn't take away the hurt. But in the presence of hope, even the worst agony is bearable.