I remember the first year Matt and I were married. It was an interesting year.
Matt worked 30 hours a week and went to school full time. He built stairs.
I worked 20 hours a week and went to school full time. I sold wedding gowns.
We had been married since July 9th and pregnant just weeks after.
To say life was "full" was just laughable. It was insane. I napped on my lunch break between chapel and class. An hour and a half break, minus my walking time to and from class, and I still had to eat something. Our one-bedroom-apartment was an exercise in "stacking" - cram packed with stuff! Oh my!
Matt kept reading Joshua chapter 1 and reading over and over "Be strong & courageous".
Then in 2008 he read it again "Be strong & courageous". And we named Joshua because of it. I named this blog because of his reading in Joshua, and because of our little guy.
And since then it's been a catch phrase in our house.
If any phrase were to describe the walk we've been on in the last 6 1/2 years - it would be that.
"Be strong & courageous".
You know what's interesting about those words? They were spoken to Joshua (the Bible Joshua) 7 times. Joshua needed reminding.
I need reminding.
It was hard and scary to be pregnant with Naomi, after losing Joshua.
It was even harder to be pregnant last year after having one miscarriage and losing Joshua.
This time around it has been especially hard to be pregnant. Not only have we lost Joshua and had two miscarriages, but I've had a rough time this time.
At 10 weeks the midwife couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. So we waited.
At 12 weeks she still couldn't find a heartbeat. I rushed to get an ultrasound that day and baby was fine. But I was sure everything was over - that I had lost the baby.
At 14 weeks I went in for a check up and had a pap smear. I had spotting that day (a Friday).
Then 5 days later (Tuesday) I started spotting again. I freaked out, told Matt to take Oceana to school, scooped up Naomi, threw on my shoes and drove to the ER.
The baby was fine.
At 15 weeks my spotting started again. I rushed off to the midwife again. Baby was fine.
At 16 weeks I started spotting again. I waiting this time - knowing this was just "my body". But it doesn't make me feel any better about it.
Now at 17 1/2 weeks I've had a break for the spotting and I'm hoping that has passed.
But it's SCARY. There's no way around it. It's one thing to worry about a miscarriage. It's entirely different to have had multiple losses and be pregnant again.
It's also hard to know what I do. I mentioned my paranoia to my midwife, "I have a lot of friends with children who have genetic disorders and diseases. It's scary to wait, knowing about things like Trisomy 13, 18, and Epidermolysis Bullosa." To which she looked at me strangely and said, "But you know that's really rare, right?"
All I could think was, "It's not rare when 3 of your friends have EB kids."
But you know what? One day at a time. One moment at a time. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna carry on. Strong. Courageous. Or trying to be, at least.