Sunday, May 8, 2011

It must be said

Written on Mother's Day 2011:

Mother's Day isn't always joyous.

It isn't always restful.

It isn't always a good day.

Sometimes it is.

But other times ....

My first Mother's Day I held my 4 week old baby in my arms.

My 2nd Mother's Day I held my 13 month old daughter in my arms, and I had just found out I was expecting Joshua.

My 3rd Mother's Day I held my 25 month old daughter in my arms and tried not to sob hysterically because my son was in Heaven.

My 4th Mother's Day I held my 4 week old daughter in my arms and rejoiced that she was ok. My 3 year old bounced around and had to be chased. And I still missed my should-have-been 1-year-old son.

My 5th Mother's Day I frantically chased my 1 year old and my 4 year old. And I missed my 2-year-old son.

My 6th Mother's Day I cuddled grumpy children in church (2 years and 5 years) and thought of three little boys that weren't there with me.

Today in church I was reminded how devastating Mother's Day can be.

This morning I was reminded that I had no baby in my arms (because I was due in March with my the baby I lost in August '10).

This morning I was reminded that I had no baby in my belly (because I was due June 12th).

I am so grateful for the girls I have with me.

But being the mother of 2 is just not the same when you feel you should be chasing 5 kids.

It will never be the same. There will always be a hole.


  1. hugs and love to you Susie, you're a wonderful person and an even better Mommy. xox

  2. I've been blessed to keep 3 of my six babies. One I lost on mothers day.
    I hate mothers day.
    But I love that I am a mother.
    I have prayed for you.
    I hope you are feeling uplifted and encouraged soon.

  3. Sounds familiar...I have 3 kids, but had a miscarriage in 2006 and then another one just a week ago. Mother's Day was just raw this year. I'm so happy I have the blessings I do, but like you said there are holes.

  4. (hug) I feel your pain. I'm chasing after one boy and missing my two girls in Heaven. One is not the same as 3, either...and now I can't have more.

    But no one gets it, do they? Not unless they've also lost.

    (hugs) again.

  5. You are a such a wonderful mother. Your family is blessed to have you!

  6. Beautifully said as usual Susie. Blessings and love, Bridget xoxo

  7. Found your website today. Beautiful and sob-inducing. I am pregnant for the 5th time. I should have 4 children running around, but 1 died shortly after conception and our son was stillborn 8 wks before delivery last year. Your Mother's Day post was touching. It is so bitter-sweet, isn't it? On one hand, so grateful for the beautiful children you have, on the other, so broken for the others you should be tucking in at night, too. Blessings.