Thursday, February 3, 2011


It's been 6 weeks since we lost our baby. Had I still been pregnant, we might already know if we had a boy or a girl --- putting me right around the 21 week mark.

I'm very aware of the fact that I am not pregnant. I'm reminded of it every morning when I get dressed because I had grown out of my clothes, but not into my maternity clothes yet. So I was in that frustrating limbo period. And I'm still stuck there because I don't have any of that delightful post-partum water-weight shed going on.

I'm also aware of it, (let's be polite about this) because the system has resumed normal activities this week. Thanks a lot to my body, who thinks that 2 1/2 weeks off of bleeding was enough.

The other reason I'm aware of it....

This wasn't my first miscarriage. In fact, it wasn't even the first one for 2010. I lost a baby in August, a missed miscarriage (same MO, just earlier) at nearly 8 weeks. It may/may not have been a chemical pregnancy. So hard to tell when it's a measuring 5 weeks, should be 8 weeks thing.

And you know what? I'm ticked off. I have every right to be too. Don't give me any crap about a better place, or angels watching me, or maybe they were sick. Whatever. 3 of my 5 children are dead. That sucks. Pardon my candor, my pissy'ness, and my anger.

But if you'd lost 3 children in less than 3 years you'd be pissed off too. Maybe you have had that happen to you. I'm with you girl, I'm with you.

Yes, there's hope. Yes, it's going to be ok. But for right now, I'm pissed off. And I'm going to be like that until I'm not pissed off anymore.


  1. Ugh, no doubt about it miscarriages suck! I think its good to feel the feelings you are having.

  2. I'm so sorry. I think that you can have faith AND be pissed too! That's a crappy hand to be dealt and I'm pretty sure that you can (and should) let yourself feel all the emotions that come with it!

    I've been reading your blog for awhile now and I figure now is as good a time as any to come out of the woodwork and say I'm here reading and thinking about you.

    May there be brighter times to come!


  3. I'm sorry if this is too personal, but I'm only wondering. Had your baby grown to around the full 15 week mark and then passed away, or had the baby stopped growing at, say, 7 or 8 weeks or something, and it was awhile before you found out?

  4. You have every right to be. I know that part of you takes comfort in knowing where they are but the truth of the reality is that it just sucks. I still frequently think of the one that I lost and I know that I always will. The best that you can do is continue to enjoy your girls and allow God and time to heal your heart...what you're experiencing is natural and normal.

  5. I can't imagine how you are feeling. Having lost one baby I can't imagine going through that again let alone 2 more times. I know and trust that God's plan is perfect but that sure doesn't make it any easier or make is suck any less. Keeping you in my prayers.

    Completely unrelated- I love the rockin' new hairdo!

  6. I would never try to understand what you are going through and I would NEVER tell you not to be p'd off! I would be too! It's better to be angry than bottle up all your emotions! I will keep you in my prayers!

  7. thank you for your honesty. i wouldn't ask for anything more and neither does God. Remember that when everyone wants you to be "ok". That it's ok to NOT be ok. I can't not even begin to fathom what you are going through.

  8. You poor thing! I think you have every right to be pissed off at life over this :( I hope that was your last miscarriage EVER.

  9. Susie,

    I am so sorry. I know you will be told that a lot. I know you will be told about how 10 million other people had miscarriages and they are all ok now and how in time you will feel better and I know how much that sucks too. Get angry, scream and cry and shout to the Heavens about how this is bullsh*%. Some people might think it won't help but it does.
    Those of us who have been though something like this understand and support you. I was told I should just be thankful for the kids I had and that asking for more was being selfish. I was outraged, of course I was and I know you are thankful for the children I had, that wasn't the point. I lost 4 boys, 16 wk, 15 wk, and twins at 10 wks in 2007/2008 so I can understand a little about those feelings, let them out!
    I don't know if your doctors are working on trying to figure out why this is happening but I hope they do and I really hope you have the friends and support you need.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.


  10. good girl, getting it all out there. honestly, i am pissed off too. i've lost 5 babies and still have trouble believing it sometimes...and have trouble believing this pregnancy will result in something "alive". it all sucks...

  11. Yeah I'd be pissed of too! Thinking of you x

  12. I had two miscarriages this year too. August, at 3 months and December at 2 (about the same time as yours). These were my first pregnancies. I have no kids, except for my stepson. I'm fast approaching the first due date, and like you, I'm pissed. I was so excited to start a family of my own, to be a real parent, to have that experience. And twice in 4 months I had it ripped away from me. Plus, people say really horrible stuff (unintentionally, I think) after a miscarriage. JUST SAY SORRY!!!
    I, too, am angry. I'm hurt. And I don't know if I can ever carry a pregnancy to term.
    Feel what you feel, girl. You're warranted. Hope it doesn't last too long, though.

  13. ((((hugs)))) Suzie. You have every right to be as pissy as you want. I would be too If I were you. I've found when I feel pissy and let God know about it...he doesn't even mind. He likes hearing about the good and ugly.
    PS. Loving the new rock chick look :)

  14. honey, i'd be pissed off too, be as angry as you want, no one blames you. *hugs*

  15. I would be really pissed off too! I haven't had a miscarriage, but my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for well over a year, with no luck. And there are 14 new babies in our church of less than 300. Its so hard to be around new life when you're arms and heart are empty. I will be praying for you, and for Matt. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now. *hugs*

  16. Not sure if you knew or not, but I miscarried a couple weeks ago, too. 14 weeks. It's a terribly sad thing, especially when compounded with existing grief. Praying my way through and thinking of you, too.

  17. Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you, 'cuz if I were you (and I just might have felt similarly about life at times) I would be having trouble talking to God. So, I just wanted you to know I'm talking to Him for you and asking for His love, comfort, and strength to surround you in this horrible, painful, no-good-feelin' time. Wish I could hug you!

  18. You are right, that sucks! And you have every right to be pissed off! Hopefully soon, you will feel less pissed off but for now girl, feel your feelings!

  19. You have a right to be pissed off Susie, and I'm angry for you. Stay angry as long as you want/need to and don't let anyone tell you different.

  20. I'm so sorry...I lost three children between 1996 and 1998. Three of my five, total.

    I understand...and I'm praying.

    P.S. On a completely unrelated and probably inappropriate to mention note....your hair totally rocks!

  21. Amen. And I'm so sorry. Sending a long-distance hug. . . . Or something to hit, it that feels better today.

  22. I've been there. I still remember phoning my doctor and telling him "I've lost three out of four pregnancies! What is wrong with me?"

    Well I lost a few more too. But I have two live children for whom I am very very thankful.

    As a "life begins at conception" person, I don't believe in "chemical pregnancies", although that is what I was told they were. That term still makes me feel angry.

    And the grief--well that came in waves over the years. It has lessened now--doesn't bother me unless someone makes a comment about the size of my family.

    Hang in there girl.

  23. I understand to a point. I haven't lost a living child, but I did have a miscarriage and I haven't been able to get pregnant since. With that pregnancy it took us 11 months. It has now been 3 years. It sucks and I am still angry about it. Why can't I get pregnant? I don't get it. It is ok to be angry because it doesn't make sense. It isn't OK to take the anger out on people (which I'm sure you don't do). I am a teacher and in my school we have a sign that says "All feelings are OK. Not all actions are OK." I only said that to let you know that your feelings are OK. It is very hard. My prayers are with you.

  24. Part of grieving your loss.
    Allow yourself this time of grief rather then pushing it down and have it bubble up later in depression.
    Praying for you my sister in Christ.

  25. Sorry you are having to deal with this grief too. I also had multiple hard. Ask your doctor about progesterone lozenges or suppositories for first soon as you know you are pregnant.It can't hurt and it might help.

  26. Hugs! My heart aches for you to know all of the heartbreak you have endured. I'm sorry.

  27. I lost two, exactly 6 months apart, in 2009. I'll be honest - I was pretty pissed, too. I think the pissed stage is completely normal.

    The week that you lost this baby, two of my other friends also miscarried children. I know it's not much, but please know that our congregation prayed for all three of you that week.

  28. Ugh. That sucks, and I'm sorry. :(

  29. Two of my three children are dead, so I am definitely with you here. I was so traumatized the last time, though, that I felt the need to have my remaining tube ligated. I just got to the point where I didn't have the strength or family support to loose another child.

    I admire your strength, and I share your anger.

    I wish you the peace I could not find.

  30. Girl, you have every right to be pissed off, so feel free to say it! :)

  31. Susie, let it out... it SUCKS... in a nutshell. Surround yourself with people who SUPPORT you and don't give you the whole "well, something was wrong with it so good thing it died" ... or... my favorite with my 10 week blighted ovum "it wasnt a baby anyways so there is nothing to be sad about"... but IT WAS ... to me it WAS A baby.. for 10 weeks and multiple doctors appointments I HELD OUT HOPE... I am SO sorry you have to suffer with the loss of not only Joshua but also with the 2 precious miscarried babies.
    I also had a "chemical pregnancy" loss which I didnt tell many people about because of their opinions of my blighted ovum...
    SCREAM and CRY and LET IT OUT...
    MANY hugs for you....

  32. not sure what to say, Thats terrible, and its not fair... and words will NOT help...

    Take care of yourself girl :)

  33. I have lost 3 in 2 years so I know what you are talking about. I still get mad when people get upset about getting pregnant on "accident" and not really wanting their kids. I'm happy to take them.

  34. I think pissed off is exactly how you should be feeling - you've been dealt some pretty crappy hands. The thing that used to really piss me off (no miscarriages myself, but people close to us who have, as well as fertility issues - our own and dear friends)was that the people who really wanted the babies were being denied, while all the while the world seemed full of unwanted pregnancies, and parents who abused their children. I still don't understand that.

  35. You have every right to be pissed off!

    7 years ago, after 3 years of trying to have another baby, I had a miscarriage. I was told I had a blighted ovum. I never even heard of that before! Even though no baby formed, I still mourned my hopes and dreams for what might have been. I still cry when I think about it.

    6 months later, I was pregnant again. I saw the baby and a heart beat that time. A week later there there was no heart beat.

    I was SO mad! I felt all the emotions that come with loss. I kept thinking 'why me?' It just didn't seem fair!

    Thankfully, 3 months later, I was pregnant again. But at 6 weeks I started spotting again. The same time I did with the other 2. I was put on progesterone and I swear that helped keep my son alive.

    I will always miss the babies I lost. Even is no baby ever formed with my first miscarriage, I still had hopes and dreams for each one of them. It didn't help that I started lactating after both losses.

    Please allow yourself to go through all the emotions of loss. I always hated it when people would tell me "well, AT LEAST you have your other child to still love". What a load of crap! Yes, I was happy I still had him, but darn it, I'm selfish and wanted ALL of my babies with me!

    You are in my thoughts, Susie. *hugs*

    Allison from Baton Rouge