Sunday, December 14, 2008

The 15th

Oceana climbing a tree at a BBQ last week.

It seems strange to me that the longer Joshua is gone, the more I become aware of the 7th (his arrival) and 15th (his promotion) of every month. I still wonder when it will "hit me". I expect it will come after this baby has been born. I have never had the experiences that I read/hear from others when they speak of their immense grief.

I don't cry a lot. In fact, I rarely cry about anything at all. But that's pretty normal for me. I had a time when I was about 15 that I didn't cry for 9 months straight. I guess I expected to cry more. After that first few days (after his passing), I pretty much stopped crying. Not to say I haven't since - but it's not something that happens all the time.

I think about him. I wonder what life would have been like with him here. I miss holding him. Holding other children isn't the same, because holding him took some finesse. But I don't cry about having lost him.

His birthday is fast-approaching. I'm still not sure what I'll want to do on his birthday. Whether I'll want to throw him a party, or release balloons, or sit at home by myself. But I'm sure I'll decide sometime in the next few weeks.

I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. I wasn't all that interested last year. But there's still this part of me that wants to buy presents for Joshua. And as much as it might be a nice way to remember him, it's not something I'm ready to do. I will say I liked Marie's idea of putting Elijah's pacifier on the tree as an ornament.

It's the 15th today. And I'm fine.

But I know it's the 15th. I know what happened 9 months ago today. It just becomes more and more obvious as the months go by.


  1. Congratulations.
    Your blog is the reflection of a lovely family with God .
    I am not good in English.
    Saludos ( hello) from Ecuador.
    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

  2. susie, i got to say, everything 7th i think of another month older Levi is, but I also remember little Joshua, and I love that they share the same date of the 7th, its special. His memories are always apart of our lives, and always will be, he is beautiful, and I cant believe his birthday is aproaching sooo fast. (just to give you a heads up, our internet is not working very well anymore, some days it dosent even turn on... I got your message about Hayden. and didnt have time to tell Bryce today, and well he just called me from church and said he got an email from him, saying he is his brother, Bryce was like having a panic attack... soooo crazy, thank u for talking with him. I;ll keep you updated as well as i can with any news on that.) I think of you and your beautiful family DAILY, and i wish we were neighbors.. darn it, keep an eye out for the mail. All our love, Christina

  3. Unlike you, I cry all the time. I always have tears in my eyes when I think of or speak about Joshua. I am not looking forward to his birthday...more tears. That's just me. Love you just the way you are. Don't ever change, sweetie!

  4. I cant imagine what those two dates mean to you. I think the idea of the pacy ornament is beautiful.

  5. Whether you cry or not you have deep feelings & that is what you (anyone) needs to have. Whatever you decide to do on Joshua's birthday & promotion days will be the right thing. Period.

    I have an idea for presents for Joshua. Buy them & give them to someone else. I have a friend who has done this & finds it brings her great comfort.

    I know that in due time you & Matt will be reunited w/ Joshua & especially I know that you know that. I sincerely hope that I won't offend you by telling you that I cry that you are not all together on this earth. I'm a crier by nature so...

  6. Oceana sure is a cutie-patootie!

    I admire you sharing your most personal feelings and thoughts with us about Joshua. I don't know how I would have handled such a loss. I guess my faith... like yours is what keeps us grounded and gives us peace through difficult trials. I admire your courage and strength.


  7. Thinking of you and remembering your Joshua today...Prayers for His continued comfort.

  8. Susie:
    Your in my prayers tonight. I doubt we'll ever meet this side of heaven, but I know that even on opposite sides of the world, the same God of comfort is with us both.

  9. Losing a parent is different than losing a child - as I have been told. I have never lost a child but having lost both my parents I know you never "get over" it - the pain just lessens each day, week, month, year! I think it is wonderful that you are able/willing to share you heart with others - I know God is using it in mighty ways in your own life and in the lives of others across the world!!! Everyone grieves differently - crying or not!

    I also had the idea given earlier to buy gifts "for" Joshua and then give them away. You can always donate to a local pregnancy center or toys for tots or I'm sure your church would know local families that would be blessed with gifts for their baby boys. That may give you the joy and satisfaction of buying them but then giving them to a baby boy here on earth. I'm sure Joshua is having a blast in heaven playing with Jesus!

    Know that your family is dear to our hearts and in our prayers!!!

    Love, Pam and family in PA

  10. Susie,(as you know) tears are not necesarily the defining level of pain, grief or loss. Steve, rarely cries and for some reason he cried last night after his b-day party.
    Beth is not a crier either adn she too thought it would hit her as soon as she gave birth to Moriah - It has hit her just twice since Moriah was born and neither at her birth. I agree with your mom. YOU ARE WHO CHRIST FASHIONED YOU TO BE!!! Try not to compare your pain to others demonstration of it.
    'Shua is loved & missed & like 'Lijah in our home; 'Shua will FOREVER be a present part of your home even baby girl Sams!!
    I LOVE YOU SUSIE!! (with that "special"- cele connection we share) SOME DAY we will see the Perfected- Heavenly Beauty without having to deal with the longing & the pain! "OH WHAT A DAY THAT WILL BE"!!
    Thinking of YOU today, 'Shua, Oce, Matt, Susie & BBgirl Sams :)
    *if you have a chance, look up that song "sweet some day" by Sandi Patti O.M.G I sing it all the time, especially on the days when the clouds are white & puffy & there is a chill in the air; thats how the weather was when i got the call of 'Shua's promotion

  11. I remember at last year's mainly music Christmas party, you wore, was it angel wings, on your tummy with Joshua's name on them? Now those would be cool to hang on the tree. I hope it's ok me saying that? I remember looking at them on the day and not computing what it all meant until that evening. I felt really stupid.
    I see on you can get christmas decorations with photos printed on them. That could look very cool too.
    Lots of luv - hope to see you on 10 Jan if not before :)

  12. OH, that wings on the tummy thing reminds me of what I did on 4th of July... I made baby foot print on my 4th of July T- Shirt (right on my upper right part of my 'Lijah belly, alot of people at the BBQ didn't really get it, but I knew!!!
    BUT I WAS THINKING... if you might consider hanging 'Shua's red booties & or his CAT IN THE HAT hoodie you knit him on your tree!!(just a thougt)

  13. Just because you don't cry does not lessen your grief in loosing Joshua. IT does not lessen your love for him. Everyone grieves in their own way and in a way that is right for them. You have a great outlet in this blog. Your honest words and thoughts about Joshua have brought plenty of tears to me and many of your other readers. We know where your heart is and so does God.

    I know that whatever you do to honor Joshua on his birthday will be a perfecr celebration of his life for you and your family. I am just so honored that you would continue to share with us your story. Thank you!

  14. about the christmas present. We bought a small present for a 16 month old boy (the age Sami would have been now) and donated it in Sami's name. It felt very right.