Oceana climbing a tree at a BBQ last week.
It seems strange to me that the longer Joshua is gone, the more I become aware of the 7th (his arrival) and 15th (his promotion) of every month. I still wonder when it will "hit me". I expect it will come after this baby has been born. I have never had the experiences that I read/hear from others when they speak of their immense grief.
I don't cry a lot. In fact, I rarely cry about anything at all. But that's pretty normal for me. I had a time when I was about 15 that I didn't cry for 9 months straight. I guess I expected to cry more. After that first few days (after his passing), I pretty much stopped crying. Not to say I haven't since - but it's not something that happens all the time.
I think about him. I wonder what life would have been like with him here. I miss holding him. Holding other children isn't the same, because holding him took some finesse. But I don't cry about having lost him.
His birthday is fast-approaching. I'm still not sure what I'll want to do on his birthday. Whether I'll want to throw him a party, or release balloons, or sit at home by myself. But I'm sure I'll decide sometime in the next few weeks.
I'm looking forward to Christmas this year. I wasn't all that interested last year. But there's still this part of me that wants to buy presents for Joshua. And as much as it might be a nice way to remember him, it's not something I'm ready to do. I will say I liked Marie's idea of putting Elijah's pacifier on the tree as an ornament.
It's the 15th today. And I'm fine.
But I know it's the 15th. I know what happened 9 months ago today. It just becomes more and more obvious as the months go by.