Sunday, June 8, 2008

I missed it

Joshua would have been 5 months old on Saturday. And I missed it. I wrote the date down on Friday, I remember doing it. It didn't register then, what tomorrow was. Today I wrote down the date and realized I had missed it.

I think it's the grace of God that I didn't know it on the day. I think it's easier for me to miss it, than spend 24 hours mulling over it. Granted, I spent a lot of my Sunday thinking about Joshua. I fell apart last night and cried. My poor husband sat and watched me bawl my eyes out and get angry. I think sometimes it's not the 'special dates' that I miss him most, it's when something else goes wrong.

Matt and I have been married nearly 3 years now, and we've been through the proverbial wringer. It hasn't been easy, from the get-go. And that sucks for us. Last night I had a dawn-breaks-over-marble-head incident. I know that men don't need to 'talk it out' like women do. I know they get yacked at a lot, but don't say much. And somehow I had stopped talking because Matt wasn't talking.

Last night he said, "I talk when I need to. You can just talk, I'll listen." (or something like that).

Somehow this was something I never allowed myself to do. I thought that I was bugging him (I probably am), or that he doesn't want to listen to me blather on (he probably doesn't) or that he'll get annoyed at my endless tears (he probably does). But he's willing to let me talk. Open the floodgates.

I talked. And I cried. And I actually ran out of words. Imagine that. I never run out of words.

I realized something about myself too. I don't talk or open up until there's more than one thing wrong. In fact, often (like last night) until there's more than a dozen things wrong. So my poor husband probably thinks I'm crazy, since I prattled on from A to B to C to Z without stopping for breath (I did stop for tissues though).

I slept so good last night.

No wonder.

I had weeks and weeks worth of frustration, anger, sadness, and agony pent up inside me.

I forgot to talk.
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  1. Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you talked. Getting it out is the very best thing you can do. Even if it means emailing someone, blogging every detail of how you feel, or talking (verbally). Just getting it all out now & then is so therapeutic. I'm glad your sweet hubby was there, ready & willing to listen.

  2. I wish I could give you a hug. 5 months... sigh. He and Eliza should be chillin' together, showing off their chubby thighs. Sucks.

    I, a talker, married a talker. There's really never a quiet moment at my house.

    And then there is Eve. She's like Daniel and I put together.

    It's bad.

    Daniel remarked the other night, how he would hyperventilate if he talked as much as she does. She just doesn't stop. Ever. Well, unless she's sleeping. (THANK GOD FOR SLEEP!!!)

    I'm glad you remembered to talk. And Matt loves you, no matter what. :)


  3. give your husband a big hug for listening. Sometimes having someone listen is all you need.

  4. This is a definite answer to a prayer I've had for you for a long time. Praise the Lord.

  5. Susie: Matt loves you. He needs you to share as much as you need to. Keep talking.

  6. Oh Susie,

    I have been waiting and praying for this time for you. Not the sorrow, but the release of some of it. Thank God for Matt to just listen. You can't lose something as precious as Joshua and not melt down every so often. I am sure it helped Matt too. I have been praying for you two to draw close together through this valley. And you slept so good, I am so thankful for this. This post means alot to me, it shows me how I forget to talk until my fuse is lit and I am 60 years young. A Good Man is one who will listen once he realizes he is not under attack. Keep talking to him Susie when you need to, it is cleansing for the both of you. I love you guys and continue to pray daily for you.

    Laurie in Ca.