Sunday, June 8, 2008

A huge hurdle

Joshua died 12 weeks ago yesterday.

Today I held a baby for the first time since Joshua died.

Alistair is about 14 weeks old, and an absolute joy.
He's a roly poly little thing with red hair and blue eyes.

And I was okay holding him. I'm amazed.
I thought I would cry, or have a really hard time.
It felt strange
- when I realized I should have been doing that all along -
holding a beautiful boy on my lap.

But I'm okay.

8 comments:

  1. *big squeeze* Susie, you continually amaze me with your poise as you walk this aching road. Keep on keeping on, sweetheart; take plenty of rest stops along the way and before you know it, you'll reach your destination. Love and prayers, dear heart.

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  2. Susie,
    Last night I read almost your entire blog and I was just so moved. What a beautiful boy and a beautiful, bittersweet story. You are an amazing woman and I can only hope to grow to have just a portion of the faith, strength and beautiful heart you have. Joshua's short life touched my heart. Thank you for sharing his story. I will never forget him. Amber

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  3. I'm glad it went o.k., but I'm sure it was hard.

    Hugs to you...

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  4. christina taylorJune 8, 2008 at 9:50 AM

    thats soo weird... i had a dream last night that you and i were picking out baby cloths together for our kids... i kept picking out realllly frilly girly outfits for your baby and you kept telling me, "ummm, i';m not really into all that frill.." lol, it was pretty funny. BUT, maybe yesturday you holding that baby and you being 'ok', and the dream i had of us picking out baby cloths, was a soft way of God telling you there is still hope for a house hold of beatiful babies on the way for you... i;ve been thinking of you TONS, and havent wrote in FOREVER... but i still pray everyday for you, and wish we could be neighbors... have a great day Susie

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  5. Susie, you are such an amazing woman! I can't even imagine all the emotions that are going through you... but I constantly keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Laurie in Minnesota

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  6. That must have been difficult. I'm glad you're okay.

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  7. you continue to amaze me Susie...the strength that you have even through your walk of grief is beyond what I can even think. You and Matt are still in our prayers often, especially at each of these milestones...hugs from me:)

    Anna

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  8. Susie,

    I read your blog every single day, but rarely comment.

    When I read this post, I just HAD to let you know how incredibly strong I think you are!!! I had a son that was stillborn 8 yrs. ago tomorrow. He was born on my birthday. There is no way that I could have held a baby so soon after and actually made it through it with no tears. I KNOW that you miss Joshua every minute of your life and you just amaze me everyday how strong you are!!

    (((BIG HUGS))) :)

    Oh, and your faith amazes me also. I enjoy reading your blog so much!

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