Sunday, June 8, 2008

A huge hurdle

Joshua died 12 weeks ago yesterday.

Today I held a baby for the first time since Joshua died.

Alistair is about 14 weeks old, and an absolute joy.
He's a roly poly little thing with red hair and blue eyes.

And I was okay holding him. I'm amazed.
I thought I would cry, or have a really hard time.
It felt strange
- when I realized I should have been doing that all along -
holding a beautiful boy on my lap.

But I'm okay.


  1. *big squeeze* Susie, you continually amaze me with your poise as you walk this aching road. Keep on keeping on, sweetheart; take plenty of rest stops along the way and before you know it, you'll reach your destination. Love and prayers, dear heart.

  2. Susie,
    Last night I read almost your entire blog and I was just so moved. What a beautiful boy and a beautiful, bittersweet story. You are an amazing woman and I can only hope to grow to have just a portion of the faith, strength and beautiful heart you have. Joshua's short life touched my heart. Thank you for sharing his story. I will never forget him. Amber

  3. I'm glad it went o.k., but I'm sure it was hard.

    Hugs to you...

  4. christina taylorJune 8, 2008 at 9:50 AM

    thats soo weird... i had a dream last night that you and i were picking out baby cloths together for our kids... i kept picking out realllly frilly girly outfits for your baby and you kept telling me, "ummm, i';m not really into all that frill.." lol, it was pretty funny. BUT, maybe yesturday you holding that baby and you being 'ok', and the dream i had of us picking out baby cloths, was a soft way of God telling you there is still hope for a house hold of beatiful babies on the way for you... i;ve been thinking of you TONS, and havent wrote in FOREVER... but i still pray everyday for you, and wish we could be neighbors... have a great day Susie

  5. Susie, you are such an amazing woman! I can't even imagine all the emotions that are going through you... but I constantly keep you and your family in my prayers.

    Laurie in Minnesota

  6. That must have been difficult. I'm glad you're okay.

  7. you continue to amaze me Susie...the strength that you have even through your walk of grief is beyond what I can even think. You and Matt are still in our prayers often, especially at each of these milestones...hugs from me:)


  8. Susie,

    I read your blog every single day, but rarely comment.

    When I read this post, I just HAD to let you know how incredibly strong I think you are!!! I had a son that was stillborn 8 yrs. ago tomorrow. He was born on my birthday. There is no way that I could have held a baby so soon after and actually made it through it with no tears. I KNOW that you miss Joshua every minute of your life and you just amaze me everyday how strong you are!!

    (((BIG HUGS))) :)

    Oh, and your faith amazes me also. I enjoy reading your blog so much!