I've had a rough week. I think that taking a holiday/vacation was really good for me. But it gave me time to think. I had a lot of stuff to do, and I felt really stressed out at times. Because it was a holiday designated to "post-Joshua" it left me thinking about him a lot. Between the stress of "organizing a vacation" and the stress of "Joshua-stuff" I sort of feel like I'm losing it. I can't put my finger on it. And I've more than a few times thought, "Would I feel better if I screamed into a pillow?" But I don't think I would.
I have flashes of "He's dead." and the repercussions of what that means. A few times I've blogged about "never holding him again" and commenters have said - "Yeah, but you'll hold him in heaven." While I know that to be true, and believe it with all my heart... it's not helpful (no offense to those who have said it - please don't take it wrong!). I just don't feel good about "holding him in Heaven". It stil remains that I have to live for YEARS without him. I have to watch every little boy born in late 2007 and early 2008 and think.... "He would have been that big. He would have done that by now. He would have looked so cute like that."
And because of all that's going on in my mind about Joshua, I've found issue with a lot of other things in my life. I'm not looking for "Oh, you're so wonderful!" comments here, I'm just being honest. Seriously.
I don't like my body. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly 3 years and that's rough on the body. I tend to lose my pregnancy weight fairly easily - but the rest of it is still to be dealt with. And I never got in shape between Oceana and Joshua. I've never exerised regularly - only dancing when I was a teenager. So the motivation is not there. Just the frustration and the guilt.
I do not like my organizational skills. I used to think I could organize - but now I know better. I can never find anything. This is a problem because Matt likes everything where it's "supposed to be" (even if I don't know where that is...). Usually there's an issue each day about something that's been misplaced. I feel like I spend half my day searching for something that I've lost.
I do not like my housekeeping skills. I've come to a realization over the past three years that I SUCK AT KEEPING HOUSE! I'm one of those women that I used to think were icky. I'd visit people and see dust or dirt or piled up dishes and think - "Yuck." And now I'm one of 'em. Before anyone suggests, it flylady.com did not work for me. I viewed it as rules. And rules and I don't do well.
While this may look like a few small things - consider what a day looks like.
I get up and see my room. Which is a disaster.
I come downstairs to find more mess. And often - a sinkful of dishes.
I get dressed. And I don't fit in my clothes the way I want. I can't find the clothes I want because they're a) not clean b) not in the drawer/on the hanger they're supposed to be c)sitting downstairs in a pile of clean and folded laundry and I can't remember d) they're still in a suitcase becuase I haven't unpacked it or we just went on a trip.
I try to leave the house. And go searching for keys, wallet, cellphone, purse, diapers, wipes, glasses (oh the search for my glasses! I once lost them in my purse for three weeks) and whatever else is currently missing.
I'm doing what I can. But because I've got trouble with all of the above, I started questioning everything about my life. Right down to my job and the country I live in. I'm stressing myself out - I can't think about just one thing. I feel helpless to change any of it. And so the cycle continues.
And I can't be happy about the things I do accomplish, because they're just numbers 8 and 10 out of 200.
Am I the only one? Is this just the questioning phase of "Joshua-stuff"? Or am I going crazy?