Friday, April 25, 2008


I've had a rough week. I think that taking a holiday/vacation was really good for me. But it gave me time to think. I had a lot of stuff to do, and I felt really stressed out at times. Because it was a holiday designated to "post-Joshua" it left me thinking about him a lot. Between the stress of "organizing a vacation" and the stress of "Joshua-stuff" I sort of feel like I'm losing it. I can't put my finger on it. And I've more than a few times thought, "Would I feel better if I screamed into a pillow?" But I don't think I would.

I have flashes of "He's dead." and the repercussions of what that means. A few times I've blogged about "never holding him again" and commenters have said - "Yeah, but you'll hold him in heaven." While I know that to be true, and believe it with all my heart... it's not helpful (no offense to those who have said it - please don't take it wrong!). I just don't feel good about "holding him in Heaven". It stil remains that I have to live for YEARS without him. I have to watch every little boy born in late 2007 and early 2008 and think.... "He would have been that big. He would have done that by now. He would have looked so cute like that."

And because of all that's going on in my mind about Joshua, I've found issue with a lot of other things in my life. I'm not looking for "Oh, you're so wonderful!" comments here, I'm just being honest. Seriously.

I don't like my body. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for nearly 3 years and that's rough on the body. I tend to lose my pregnancy weight fairly easily - but the rest of it is still to be dealt with. And I never got in shape between Oceana and Joshua. I've never exerised regularly - only dancing when I was a teenager. So the motivation is not there. Just the frustration and the guilt.

I do not like my organizational skills. I used to think I could organize - but now I know better. I can never find anything. This is a problem because Matt likes everything where it's "supposed to be" (even if I don't know where that is...). Usually there's an issue each day about something that's been misplaced. I feel like I spend half my day searching for something that I've lost.

I do not like my housekeeping skills. I've come to a realization over the past three years that I SUCK AT KEEPING HOUSE! I'm one of those women that I used to think were icky. I'd visit people and see dust or dirt or piled up dishes and think - "Yuck." And now I'm one of 'em. Before anyone suggests, it did not work for me. I viewed it as rules. And rules and I don't do well.

While this may look like a few small things - consider what a day looks like.

I get up and see my room. Which is a disaster.
I come downstairs to find more mess. And often - a sinkful of dishes.
I get dressed. And I don't fit in my clothes the way I want. I can't find the clothes I want because they're a) not clean b) not in the drawer/on the hanger they're supposed to be c)sitting downstairs in a pile of clean and folded laundry and I can't remember d) they're still in a suitcase becuase I haven't unpacked it or we just went on a trip.
I try to leave the house. And go searching for keys, wallet, cellphone, purse, diapers, wipes, glasses (oh the search for my glasses! I once lost them in my purse for three weeks) and whatever else is currently missing.

I'm doing what I can. But because I've got trouble with all of the above, I started questioning everything about my life. Right down to my job and the country I live in. I'm stressing myself out - I can't think about just one thing. I feel helpless to change any of it. And so the cycle continues.

And I can't be happy about the things I do accomplish, because they're just numbers 8 and 10 out of 200.

Am I the only one? Is this just the questioning phase of "Joshua-stuff"? Or am I going crazy?
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  1. Sweetheart, I struggle *daily* with the house. Seriously, sometimes, and I am laying myseklf open here, could qualify for those shows that professional organisers/cleaners go through. I hate it so much. In my head, my house is pristine and magazine like... but I can't make it in real life. I've been labeled a lazy perfectionist... if I can't get it all done in the exact way I want it in the time frame I have, I just won't start. The idea of half finishing a job bothers me more than not getting anything done. Go figure. It drives Adam absolutely INSANE. So you aren't alone, dear.

    As for the "Joshua-stuff" I can't help, but my best guess would be that it certainly would have something to do with it. Though I would suggest that screaming into your pillow, even just once, wouldn't be a bad idea. Perhaps go to a gym one day and smack the heck out of a punching bag. Your grief, and I am only suggesting here, needs to have an outlet that corolates to your feelings and even stage of grief. Anger is a part of grief, and bottling it will not make it go away or subside. If you do bottle it, it will errupt at some point you probably would rather it idn't... so take charge of it! I'm sure it might feel nice to actually have some sort of control over how you are feeling.

    You are definately *not* losing your mind. I think it was C.S.Lewis who said something like "I never knew that grief felt so much like fear". Trying to understand exactly what you are feeling I'm sure is so confusing. Hold onto God, even though I'm sure you might be a tad angry with him at the moment.

    I'm praying for you sweetheart. In that respect, you are never alone.

  2. Susie, I could have written most of your blog. I tell myself that some days I have to choose between the attention on the kids, their homeschooling, and the rest has to take a back seat. Then I see a mom with the same number of kids as me all pulled together, kids following like little ducks in a row, and wonder what in the heck I am doing wrong!

    I too am a perfectionist. The thing that sucks about that is everything is perfect or perfectly messy. There is no in between. I feel completely overwhelmed when things get messy.

    I am also a firm believer that the state of your desk/office/home matches the state of your life. I am not sure which one follows the other, but certainly sometimes circumstance take away our ability to control the material spaces in our path.

    I agree with the PP who suggested getting to a gym or a support group and simply have a dedicated time to allow yourself to completely feel your emotions and grief. Job cried out in his grief.


  3. I cant imgine going through my day thinking about a child that I have lost and all the what if's that you think about.
    As far as all the other stuff its normal. I am a stay at home mom and I feel like I do nothing but clean and try to put things in their proper places and yet the house is a mess and we can never find anything. By the time you get all that picked up and the dishes done the dusting is at the bottom of the list because by now your too tired to deal with it. We all have dishes that pile up and dust bunnies in the corners of our house. I look at my house and think yuck but then I have people tell me that its not messy and its just me.
    Laundry is just one of those things that NOBODDY ever has it all done all the time. Some have better places to hide it them most. So then it tends to pile up in our bedrooms along with everything else that doesnt have a PLACE so then of course you cant walk or dont want to even try and walk in your room.
    Your now alone and I bet your house is only bad to you. Im sure you now go into someones house and dont even notice the dishes and the dust. Its a part of life. I have a beautiful dining room table that we see only once in a great while because with my sons school work and my husbands work papers its a mess. I have yet to find a good way to hold onto my sons school work and home work that he has done. I found a basket that I throw it in for those just in case times when his teacher says he didnt do it. So at the end of the year I throw most of it away and keep a few. Yet I think there has to be a better way. As long as there are husbands and kids nothing will be as it should and if you get it to that point it wont stay that way for long.
    Just do the best that you can but it will never be perfect. And if you do find a way to get it all done please let me know. It does wear on all of us at times. But with your added grief I think you notice it more and worry about it more. You are not going crazy your a mommy that has alot on her mind and alot to do. Working is hard and as long as you work it will make it that much harder to get it done.
    Keep your head up worry less about the mess because we all have mess.
    The Joshua stuff is something that you have that just makes it all seem more then it is. WOrk through what is important take care of yourself and get you feeling better about you. Your body is still going through all kinds of hormone things and that probably isnt helping. I know that Nothing will make the Joshua stuff easier for you right now. That is all time. Broken hearts take time.
    If you can get a yoga tape/cd and do that. It is a wonderful calming thing. It helps tone and take weight off..

  4. Oh, my goodness. I so feel you on just about everything. I totally understand. I can't say that I can fully understand the "Joshua stuff", but I really, honestly get the rest. You described my daily cycles of frustration completely. I'm so sorry you have to deal with "Joshua stuff" on top of all that. I will pray for you to have peace with where you are and to help everything else fall into place where it goes. -Katie

  5. My first time posting. Hi Susie I'm Theresa :) It's 9 years since our baby girl Grace passed in my arms.

    What you are dealing with is all very normal. The around 3 month mark, I and many others I have talked to find the absolute hardest. I know I did all the questioning you speak of and wanted to tell you while you might always be annoyed not knowing where your keys are this too shall pass.

    Grief is such a rollercoaster, all you can really do is hang on as much as you can. It's ok somedays to not be coping and not have a clean house. Hey it's ok for most days this early in the grief journey. If you are all fed and warm (and yes even noodles and take out count as food this early) then that is all that matters.

    Please be gentle on yourself, NOTHING in life will ever be as hard as what you are going through right now.

    I hope Grace is showing Joshua all around heaven :)


  6. Let me join the others and say that I feel this way sometimes too, and I don't even have to deal with loss. You're still newly postpardum and that's enough to deal with on its own! All I can say really is that i'm praying for you. I still look up to how you've dealt with everything.

  7. Oh Susie...I am sorry that you are feeling so frustrated with everything! And then having to deal with all the "Joshua stuff" on top of it. Let me just say that NO you are not crazy, and you most definitely are not the only one who feels this way! I think if we are all honest we all feel that way more often than not. My advice is not to expect yourself to be perfect, because lets face it, none of us are. Right I have mounds of laundry that need to be done, a yard that needs mowed, vaccuming to do, and I can't even tell you the last time I dusted :) Sometimes when I struggle with feeling like I am not a good enough mom, wife, housekeeper etc., I just have to remind myself that its ok not to have it all together all the time :) Something else that has helped me is to make sure that I do something for myself every once in a while. I started taking a spinning class at the local YMCA, and at first I felt guilty about it, but now I love it! Knowing that twice a week for an hour each time I have a little time for myself is such a blessing! Anyhow, I am rambling, but I hope this is a little bit helpful. I am praying for you!!!

  8. I've not commented but maybe once. I do remember I sent you an email once with a message from my pastor. I know you probably aren't looking for any tips. You just need to get it all out.

    Here's the "infamous I know you aren't looking for tips, but here's one anyways" comment. :)

    My husband put this wonderful thing up as soon as I walk in the door. It's a piece of wood (He got the decorate molding from a hardware store) with about 5 coat hooks on it. So as soon as I walk in the door, I put the keys in the purse and hang the purse on the hook along with my cell phone. Of course if I "use" that cell phone afterwards, I tend to forget where I put it. BUT, it's there for when I need it. If anything is "off" when I walk in, I forget to put the stuff there. BUT most every morning, I don't have to spend 30 minutes trying to find my purse to leave the house.

    He saw it in a store and thought "hmmm I could build that for cheaper." After he bought the "tools" he "needed" for the project and the stuff to put it together ... hahaa haaa it was much more expensive, but do you know it's the sturdiest thing ever.

    Have a blessed day.

  9. Susie, I check in on you every day and have followed you since Joshua was born. I've only posted a few times but pray for you daily.

    My dearest friend lost a baby at 3 months of's been 20 years now. I always send her a card or call on the day he died, to let her know he has not been forgotten. This year, after 20 years, she thanked me because it seemed like they were the only ones that remembered Aaron. And her heart still hurts. I think that it has gotten better, of course. Yet what you say is true...always in the back of your mind will be....Joshua would be starting school this year, Joshua would be playing soccer with his friends, Joshua would have graduated high school this year, and so on. I think it's your new normal. I know with my friend she misses him and what could have been, but she has come to a place where she lives her life, and loves her family, and has joy again. You will have that again, but it takes a long time. Like the previous poster said, Be Gentle and kind with yourself. You have much physical and emotional healing that needs to happen.

    Now...the house issue.....having had triplets and homeschooled, I can tell you that it's just HARD/IMPOSSIBLE to keep a remotely perfect house with little ones. When they get to be around 6 they can start helping some and growing into chores, but they just keep you so busy that you just run out of time...and energy. The only pieces of advice I can share are the following:
    1. I had a diaper bag completely prepared at all times. It had wipes, diapers, snacks, juice, and an extra set of keys in it. (keys are very cheap to have made...get a couple of extra sets!) I never unpacked it, and when I returned from somewhere I immediately refilled it and had it ready....many times I just left it in the car! LOL
    2. No matter how tired I was, I did the dishes every night before bed. Waking up to a clean kitchen seemed to help my mood for the day.
    3. I always made my bed when I got up. Even with a messy room (and I had to laugh at your point...WHY is the parent's bedroom the catch-all for everything????) a made bed makes it look put together and always made me feel better.

    These may not work for you, but I hope they help.

    With regard to the other issue, fact is you are so beautiful. Your countenance is amazing, your love for your family apparent, and you are so pretty. Another fact is that our bodies just change after children and you can get it back. But don't make the mistake (as I did) in thinking because you had a few extra pounds or a softer tummy that you are "fat" or not pretty. That's just silly. I look back over pictures and think "darn, I look good; why was I so miserable???" Don't make the days any harder than the are. Matt loves you and you are still healing.

    I pray this will help you a little bit. Just know I am praying for you in Tennessee.

  10. Susie - I can relate to everything in your post, other than losing Joshua.

    I, too, have days when I wake up and think "how am I going to get all of this chaos (mess) out of my house and life?", even though no one seems to notice if the house is a mess when they stop by. I really dislike how my body looks (a year) after having my 4th child, even though my husband still tells me I'm beautiful. I often feel guilty that my house isn't as clean as I want it to be, or that I'm not a size 2 like I was when I got married.

    It's hard enough to be a young wife and mom, but a young mom dealing with the loss of a child must make it 100 times worse. Just do the best you can, and if you need help (either with the house or with your grief) ASK FOR IT! No one will think less of you!!

    Praying for you, Susie! I know words don't always help, but prayers do!

  11. I've never commented here either, but let me say you are being hugged from Missouri. You are NOT going crazy. What you are feeling is actually quite normal after what you have been through. Our precious Jonathan died 8 years ago this month after fighting cancer for 7 months. He was only 8 1/2 months old when he died.
    Grieving is hard hard work. It really is. I remember bursting into tears because someone asked me what I wanted for lunch, not being able to remember anything, laying on the sofa for days while the dishes piled up, being totally stressed. On top of loosing a child you are dealing (as was I) with postpartum 'stuff' AND the stress of having a child who was ill for an extended time. That in its self is more draining than people realize.
    Screaming into a pillow sounds perfectly reasonable and appropriate to me. The first day my older 3 children were gone I went to the kitchen, got a metal pizza pan and took it to the laundry room. I then proceeded to beat the puddin' out of it on the washing machine. I screamed, yelled, cried and beat for about an hour. I had to keep turning the pan because it would fold over my thumbs. Now, to someone who hasn't lost a child before this might seem like strange behavior. For me it was rather healing. I sobbed for about one hour more and when I got up I felt so much better. I think I just needed a physical release of all the tension I had felt for so long. Side note - it scared my husband horribly! He was outside and heard the noise and came running because he couldn't figure out what on earth was happening!
    I too am a believer, I too know that I will see Jonathan again, I too know that God has a plan. But I too am a mommy without my child and understand that that rots. Totally rots. People mean well, but they can't begin to comprehend what you are going through. It does get easier with time, but will never be easy. Our hearts have big scars where the physical parts of our boys were, and they will always be scarred. They smooth over with time, but still flare up and hurt from time to time. You might wonder how long the hurt will be sooooo hard. I wish I could say! It would be easier if someone said you have to be miserable until it's been 6 months, and then you'll be fine. But it doesn't work that way. Each person is so individual. I will say that for me the 'brain function' returned after about 7 months and I felt like I kind of reached a new feeling of our new 'normal' after about a year. I will also tell you that because of the extreme stress of having a child so ill and not sleeping regularly for so long my serotonin levels were way off, causing more depression and making life harder to deal with. My dr. put me on Celexa for about 9 months. After just a week I felt more able to cope with life and I didn't feel like a zombie. I just felt like I was dealing with life appropriately. You might want to speak with your dr. about that.
    I hope some of this helps. Please feel free to email me if you have questions or need to vent. Sometimes it is easier to ask questions of a stranger who has walked a similar road.
    Blessings to you and your family.

  12. Susie, Stay strong in your faith, and don't be to hard on yourself. Take one day at a time set a goal for the next day the night before, just one thing and try to finish it before you start something else. Housework and laundry will always be there. We have our house 4-sale and I've declutter and I can't believe how much easy it is to keep things picked up.

    The Stanfield Journey

    Here another blog of a family I enjoyed reading that going though a similar hard time.

    Praying for you. Terri

  13. Oh Sweet Susie,

    I echo the words of all the comments above, so I won't repeat them on you. I do want to say that there was a place here on this earth where Joshua was held and loved more than any baby boy could ever hope for. This place was in your loving arms and Matts loving arms. No one loves him like you do and I am so sorry you are missing this. I am praying for you guys and I am sure this time is not easy for you, but you are not going crazy Susie, it is the pain of loss that feels this way. Let it out and do what you have to do to get through. Messes are the most patient things I have known in my life and they always wait until taken care of. Praying for you today and everyday on this journey.
    I love you guys.

    Laurie in Ca.

  14. Susie, I am a mom of 3 caregiver of 14 and believe me the housework will never be in order when you have children. As long as I know where things are and my kids have clean clothes I know the other things will get done when they need to be. I used and still do stress how my house looks, to others they say it is immaculate, to my husband and kids I am a disorganized organized person. This is what works for me. Daily I lose keys, purse, wallet, and my own kids! You have a lot on your plate right now, part of it is bothering you because you are grieving.
    I am praying for you for your strength and the power to heal. Crystal

  15. SUSIE! My mom had 6 kids and barely ever had the house clean with the army of us doing chores all the time! She's finally gotten the hang of it AFTER we've all grown up!:) But seriously, I loved my mom no matter what the house looked like. Some people who keep their places spic and span are commendable, but let's be realistic. You are a great woman and don't you forget it! I'm starting this thing (I'm finally getting a blogspot!) called "Ma(y)keover", the whole month of May being dedicated to healthier lifestyles and changing daily habits. A few friends and I are doing it to shed winter skin - the little things do add up in the weight category.

    And last but not least, I have been complaining almost daily how I feel like I've gained weight even though I've been working out 3-5x's a week, and Brian finally hit me upside the head (verbally) by stating "You're great the way you are I wish you wouldn't change the things you hate the most are the things I love the most." And I guess this is the consensus amongst most males, so I'm sure your hubby feels the same way :-)

    And I love you.

  16. Oh Susie,
    I am so sorry. First off I struggle with the exact same issues with the house & my body. I was worried about when everything would catch up with you. Joshua, the move, new job... All HUGE stresses by themselves but all happening at the same time.... scream in the pillow. If it doesn't help who cares, you deserve a good scream!!!
    My experience does not compare but I want to share it with you.
    I had my first son 5 years ago & then other some 4 years later. I struggled a bit with PPD after my first born because of a terrible birth experience. Then, when my second son arrived I had my dream birth. I was juggling all the ins & out of having two kids, nursing & keep house... then we moved.... Everything started to fall apart. I got pregnant again & weaned my son, then had a miscarriage. The house (which I had yet to make a 'home') started to get worse & worse. My head space was terrible & I could not see the light. I mean I would stress about everything I could not move past my thoughts. My baby was gone, my house was a mess, my head was clouded & I had not felt like "ME" in so long I didn't even know who I was... (This was all just a few months ago.) I somehow (through the grace of GOD) came across an online test for depression. It was clear I was suffering from many signs. I went to the Dr. & had some blood work done & I was also anemic (which can also cause depression) so I goton an iron supplement & also an antidepressant. Mind you I am that person who doesn't even like to take an aspirin but I was desperate. I will say both have work quite well. I am motivated now, I can see through the haze in my head, the light is shining through... Now, my house is still far from perfect but I am making small strides in organizing & can get myself off the sofa to do the dishes before I go to bed. My kids & my hubby seem a bit happier. I am not saying this is for you but it has helped me.
    A neighbor told me that as mommies & wives & women in general we are the heart of the home. If we aren't beating in rhythm then our 'home' our family isn't getting the oxygen we need. I now beleive this is true.
    My heart goes out to you & I pray for you all every night. You are allowed to be scared, feel weak & hopeless. There is strength & hope & light past that haze... you will find it dear.
    I don't know if this helps or even makes sense I just wanted you to know that even without the loss of your dear Joshua there are other moms that are fighting the same fight (mostly with ourselves)...
    God Bless.
    Beth in Texas

  17. Just wanted to let you know we continue to pray for you all. Below is something that was shared just yesterday in another on-line group I am in. Some of the ladies are struggling with hard issues as you are. Read and be encouraged!!!

    Week of April 25
    Anvil Time
    by Max Lucado

    On God's anvil. Perhaps you've been there.
    Melted down. Formless. Undone.

    Placed on the anvil for...reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.)
    Discipline? (A good father disciplines.)
    Testing? (But why so hard?)

    I know. I've been on it. It's rough. It's a spiritual slump, a famine.
    The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears.
    We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement.

    Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsibilities are depressing.
    Passion? It slips out the door.
    Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?

    Anvil time.
    It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless.

    The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens.

    "All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, wondering....."

    On the anvil.
    Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go.

    Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba.
    Elijah and the "still, small voice." Paul, blind in Damascus.

    Pound, pound, pound. I hope you're not on the anvil.
    (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.)

    Anvil time is not to be avoided; it's to be experienced.
    Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain.
    Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is.

    We shouldn't try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.
    God sees our life from beginning to end.
    He may lead us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty.

    An instrument is useful only if it's in the right shape.
    A dull ax or bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we.
    A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.
    Should God place you on his anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you're still worth reshaping.

  18. Oh Sweet Girl,
    My heart hurts for you. If it weren't for the pesky problem of plagerism I could have copied,cut,pasted your entire post many years ago. I lost two babies in the 5th month both pregnancies. I get it sweetie. You don't want to WAIT with empty arms, being preg-o for years at a stretch really does stretch everything out, and when babies emerge from our bodies we lose the same weight in brain cells too. It's true. I am convinced. So add the grief and postpartum on top and you have yourself a nicely made IcantthinkstraightbecauseIthinkImlosingmymind Sundae! It normal. Not pleasant. But normal. And for those of us who are already not the most consistent about putting things back "in their place" to begin with...well, add in the I am numb, can't think straight grief and we are lucky we can remember to get up in the mornings...
    You have entered the roughest patch. Try to figure out what is Most Important and then Just Maintain those few simple things. For example mine were: Go to work. Tell Brian I loved him everyday (he was worried and just acknowledging him was good). Wash ONE load a day. Not two. Just one so I could handle it. I made a permanent Basic Grocery List. Things I could make in a pinch (which was always b/c I did not want to cook) and things we had to have around the house. I made copies of it and I'd circle the things we needed to replinsh as we used them. I still do something similar all these years later. Cut anything NOT neccesary. Like use paper plates, buy cheap paper towels instead of creating more laundry. You can always add these things back in when you feel like re-entering life.

    You are NOT crazy. Just overwhelmed with grief. It may not FEEL like grief to you. It is coming out in all the ways in which you posted about. You are so normal. Miserable state to be in...keep looking to the end of the tunnel Susie. After a while you will think you see a pinhole of light...then a coin-size...then. It will happen. Just not right now. LET YOURSELF GRIEVE. You need to for Matt and Oceana's sake too.
    You are always in my prayers. My kids don't even ask any more who Susie is when we are finished with prayers at night.
    Now is the time to crawl up in your Heavenly Father's lap and rest in Him. Ask Him to carry you where you need to go. Rely on Him in every little thing you do.
    Will be thinking of you.

  19. Hey, Susie

    Sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. We'll pray about that with you. I know I felt all those same feelings after having my kids, so it's a natural hormonal thing in part. (Seemed to be worse with the boys, actually, so I think having sons may be harder on the hormones.)

    I wish I could be there to organize with you, cause I actually like doing that. I get overwhelmed by it when there's a lot to do, though. It takes quite a while to organize after a move. Cute house, by the way!

    Just wanted to say hi. My family LOVES you and yours. God bless your beautiful heart. -Krissie

  20. Susie, I could have written your post and I have not been through what you have been through this year. It sounds like you feel completely overwhelmed. I also feel overwhelmed about all the issues you wrote about. I will pray for you. Please know that you are NOT alone. I am right there with you, as are many other Moms. I really do think this is a common thing. I do always feel better when I get the house in order, but it seems like the next day it is back to a disaster area. Someone told me that I need to get used to it this way with a toddler running around. I just can't organize my house, my thoughts, or anything for that matter. BIG hugs to you!

    Jan 08 mom

  21. Oh Susie, my heart breaks for you! I wish I could be there to do the dishes for you, do the laundry for you... you know how much I love doing those things. You are so precious and I pray that you will know how precious you are to Matt, Oceana, Joshua and to us. Beauty is something that is within and not on the outside...though I know I struggle with the same I hate my body thing...and we all hate Matt for the way he looks now...your beauty lies within the love you have for your family...that's what God is all about. He is well pleased with you and all that other stuff is the chaff. You've concentrated on what is important and I also struggle with the house being perfect, but I am learning to enjoy my grandson in spite of the carpet needing cleaned. Your messy house will not mean a thing in light of eternity... only your love for your family. I've learned this lesson too late in life...hope it helps you. I love you more than my words can convey. We miss Joshua too. Already thinking about his birthday and what grief that will bring. Sending lots of love your way and hoping you can feel it.

  22. You just summed up my day/life. I feel the same way, and I didn't recently lose a child, so you are not going crazy. Maybe it is our age and post prego brain, and being parents and trying to do lots of stuff. I don't know, I am struggling with this too, and trying to get better, but I feel like I'm getting nowhere, so just know that you're not alone! =)