We packed away his things. The only thing that's helping at the moment is knowing that we're moving in 10-14 days and I HAVE to pack his stuff up - just the same as I do the rest of the household. But then again ... putting away everything from the pack of diapers to the bottles to the bre*st pump to the socks and booties ... it's depressing.
And part of me said, "Well, when there's another baby we'll pull it all out again." But that will present its own issues because A) I don't know when that'll be, or if I want it to happen B) I don't know if I'll want another baby using his stuff C) I'll miss him even more when I take that stuff out again because it will have been ___ days, weeks, months, years since we lost him.
The bassinet is on its way back to its lender. Matt and I didn't like seeing it empty every night when we went to sleep. I don't know that returning it is any better thought, because now there's an empty space on my side of the bed, where that beautiful wicker bassinet should be. But like I told Matt, when he asked if I wanted to keep it a little longer, "No. Take it. It doesn't seem right to have it here and be empty." It's empty - and that's even worse than not having it here.
We're packing up - but I had to keep out some stuff. The teddy bears from his service. His blanket (made by Ellen). His pictures. I won't pack those until the day we leave and I'll be the nagging-obnoxious-wife until Matt puts them up in our new place.
Pray for Oceana, please. She's grumpy, tired, a bit sick (nose and cough type thing). Thank you!
And because other people are wondering: I'm not having any trouble with getting my production down. We were giving him so much formula in those last few weeks (in comparison to how much I was feeding him) that I didn't even notice the production being a problem. It never hurt, never leaked... just regulated and .... well yah, part of me is happy about that. I think to have been engorged in the midst of everything would have seriously sucked.