Thursday, March 20, 2008

We did it...

We packed away his things. The only thing that's helping at the moment is knowing that we're moving in 10-14 days and I HAVE to pack his stuff up - just the same as I do the rest of the household. But then again ... putting away everything from the pack of diapers to the bottles to the bre*st pump to the socks and booties ... it's depressing.

And part of me said, "Well, when there's another baby we'll pull it all out again." But that will present its own issues because A) I don't know when that'll be, or if I want it to happen B) I don't know if I'll want another baby using his stuff C) I'll miss him even more when I take that stuff out again because it will have been ___ days, weeks, months, years since we lost him.

The bassinet is on its way back to its lender. Matt and I didn't like seeing it empty every night when we went to sleep. I don't know that returning it is any better thought, because now there's an empty space on my side of the bed, where that beautiful wicker bassinet should be. But like I told Matt, when he asked if I wanted to keep it a little longer, "No. Take it. It doesn't seem right to have it here and be empty." It's empty - and that's even worse than not having it here.

We're packing up - but I had to keep out some stuff. The teddy bears from his service. His blanket (made by Ellen). His pictures. I won't pack those until the day we leave and I'll be the nagging-obnoxious-wife until Matt puts them up in our new place.

Pray for Oceana, please. She's grumpy, tired, a bit sick (nose and cough type thing). Thank you!

And because other people are wondering: I'm not having any trouble with getting my production down. We were giving him so much formula in those last few weeks (in comparison to how much I was feeding him) that I didn't even notice the production being a problem. It never hurt, never leaked... just regulated and .... well yah, part of me is happy about that. I think to have been engorged in the midst of everything would have seriously sucked.


  1. Hi Suzie,
    I've just discovered your blog and u-tube videos. I have shed many, many tears, but was able to smile at the same time. What a beautiful life story you have created for your precious Joshua - well, I suppose he created his own life story with help from our Saviour, and you have documented it beautifully!!! I will pray for Oceana, yourself and Matt.

    Take every day as it comes, step by step.

    Much love, Heidi.
    (Hamilton, NZ)

  2. Good luck with your move. It's funny, today I was thinking about your packing up Joshua's things and said to myself, it's way too soon, why would I feel like you're doing it I know.

    When and if God sends you another baby, I know you'll be alright. Yes, you'll probably have some hard moments, like the first ultasound and pulling out the baby things, but you'll be blessed with what you need to handle it. You're going to discover that memories of Joshua are going to come when you least expect it, too, and suddenly find yourself crying no matter where you are and what you're doing.

    Right now, live day to day because just getting through one day at this time is an accomplishment and I'll pray for Oceana to feel better. Your family is experiencing so much right now that she doesn't understand, from becoming a big sister, to having her brother gone and everyone grieving, and now moving, so she'll probably keep the grumpiness for awhile, unfortunately. But it will pass and soon you'll be settled into your new home and start living a new kind of normal and everyone will feel better.

    I'll be praying for all of you. You've actually become a regular part of my prayers.

  3. I was going to ask you about how the production was doing- Im glad that its going well and your not engorged-Its hard enough without having that as a constant reminder. I sent out the 'thing' I made for you today and the lady said about 2 weeks so Im crossing my fingers that it gets to you safely- I sent it to the office address. I hope your doing alright with having things packed up and I hope Oceana feels better soon .

  4. Susie-
    Praying for you as God helps fill the emptiness you feel in missing your precious Joshua. Thanking God for the time He allowed you to have Joshua for the memories and that he was able to come home and fill his bassinet and wear his cute clothes and even get his first tooth. Praying that the God of all comfort comforts you and Matt during this time. Praying for sweet Oceana to feel better soon.
    Rachel in PA

  5. Just wanted to send you some ((((HUGS))))

  6. Poor little girl. I'll keep praying for you all. What a lot you've had on your plate. May you feel some peace!

  7. I have just come accross your site ,as I was checkin on Tristan Ashers Family. Words cannot explain the loss of a child. Packing up stuff is the hardest part, as I'm sure you know. You probably wonder why i know all this.Well My son Ethan (no i dont have blog) was born on August 5th 2006 and lived for 50 minutes. He had trisomy 13.
    May God be with you during this time of grief.If you need to talk please email me at

  8. Susie, Matt & Oceana,
    I just wanted you to know that I think of your family many, many times throughout the day. I find myself "checking in" on you many times daily. You are such a sweet family. I am so impressed by your strength in the face of all that has happened in your young lives. I can only imagine the loss of a precious child & I pray for you daily. I pray that you will have peace and that you will heal. I know that you know there are people all over the world that are praying for you. I hope that brings some comfort to you. I will continue to pray for your family everytime you cross my mind.
    Emily in Mississippi

  9. *HUG* (And I give realy good ones *grin*) I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you must be having, dear heart. I was just thinking yesterday that you had to move, and what you would feel like packing everything away and then not bringing them out again.

    Praying that any emptiness or feelings of lost-ness are aleviated. That the fog will soon pass. Be blessed, precious mother.

  10. I went from pumping every 2 hours for Gideon to stopping cold turkey when he died. It was horrible but my thought was my physical body hurts - BAD - but it's nothing compared to how much my heart hurt.

    I am glad that you didn't have to deal with that thought it really was not fun. I'm sorry you have to move so soon after losing Joshua. To pack his things, to say goodbye the the only place he knew as home how hard, as if grieving without moving isn't hard enough. I'll be praying.

  11. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you.

  12. Susie and Matt,

    Thank you for continueing to let us know how you are doing. I'm sure having a "blog-family" was never an intention of yours however I thank you for giving me the opportunity to share your little miracle Joshua.... He is such a strong little one to meet.

    I pray the move will go easy for you and I will continue to pray for sweet Oceana. Her world is a bit different also and she doesn't know what to do as I'm sure you know. I have no worries that her loving mommy and daddy will show her all the love and support she will need to move forward.

    Praise God for such a wonderful family. Thank you again.


  13. I was away from my computer for a few days and just caught up with your recent posts. Both videos are wonderful. I particularly LOVE the way to ended the video you made. All his accomplishments in his life. It was amazing to read. Amazing the gifts of sweet time and experiences you recieved during his full full ife. Even if it waqs short in time, it was full of life! Matt's Tattoo is just beautiful. I just love it. And thank you thank you thank you for sharing the pictures of Joshua's casket and the tables at his service. It really helped me to see it. As painful as it was, it is part of his legacy. And how sweet was the lady with the blue flowers to just let you pick them from her yard. My Heart is so full.

    Thank you for sharing your baby boy with us. Thank you for sharig your family, your thoughts, your feelings and this experience with us. The love and hope and courage you have show us has light the whole world up and given us inspiration to be more, feel more, show more kindness and compassion for our fellow man. You and Joshua have touched so many hearts and lives. What a fantastic legacy fot Joshua.
    Thank you again for being vulnerable and honest and inspiring. If I could I would hug your neck and cry with you for a little while. (((((hugs))))

    Jennifer Bray
    Spokane Valley, WA USA

  14. Susie please be very gentle with yourself right now. Losing a child is one of the hardest things anyone can every go through, it will take a long time before everything feels normal again, and when it does it will be a completely different kind of 'normal'.

    Moving house is also a very stressful time, let alone having to do it when you have just lost your precious baby.

    Please don't expect too much of yourself right now. It's ok to be a complete mess! Don't expect that you should or shouldn't feel a certain way. Just get through the day moment by moment and nothing more.

    I still find myself popping in here now and then just to look at your baby son's beautiful little face and of course to see how you are all doing.

    Keeping you all in our prayers.

  15. I cried as I read about taking back the bassinet. So many reminders all around...I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I cannot imagine how you have such amazing faith through it all. You and your family are an inspiration. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this - I wish Joshua could still be with you so much, but I know hhe's in great hands until you meet again ♥

  16. May God bless you during your move. I just thought I would tell you my experience as well...I m/c my first pregnancy, which I know is not the same as what you were going through, but there were very few things that I could use that I had from that pregnancy that I could bear to use when I was pregnant with my son. I think it's nice to keep most stuff just for "him" although, a few things you might be able to look at it as Joshua's gift to them if and when you reach that point. Praying with you and for you.