More Q&A

**Was the cele that big? It looks large in pictures, but was it that large?

Yes. In the beginning it was quite small (in comparison to what it was later). But just before he died it was about 15cm long (nearly 6" long) and about 12cm wide(4.5"). In yesterday's posted pictures (before the hat is cinched down) you can see it's a huge hat (that's post-rupture). Just before it ruptured I had to work really hard to get that hat on and off. When I took it off before his bandages were changed that last time (Just 2 mins before it ruptured) it was literally stuck. It took a lot to get it off. And so you can see how ENORMOUS it was.

**How am I?

I don't know. I know that sounds ridiculous. But it's the best way to describe it. Here's some of the emotions I'm feeling
*Sad, because I can't hold him
*Empty, because my days aren't busy without him
*Angry, that some people who mistreat their kids still have them
*Happy, that I had so much time with him
*Proud, that he was such a fighter, and did so well
*Overwhelmed, because of everything that has happened in the last year (I'll post that at another time)
*Tired
*Frustrated, because we don't have a place to move yet and we have to be vacated in 12 days
*Fat and Ugly, because I'm only 10.5 weeks postpartum and I'm not skinny yet
*Alone
*Irritated, by small things

I guess you can see why I don't know how I'm doing.

**How is Oceana? Does she realize? How was she at the funeral?
She's good. She's overtired (which is a cycle she goes through - and is more often than not). We're trying this no-nap CRAP for a little while - because we hate fighting with her every day. She was the first (BY FAR) of all her friends to give up her morning nap. And she's gonna be (BY FAR) the first to give up naps altogether. Argh...
She doesn't realize Joshua's not here - as in, she's not freaking out because she can't find him. She does talk about him. She points out his pictures and when he stuff was out she's talk about it - "Baby dummy (pacifier)", "Baby high-seat (carseat)", "Baby bankik (blanket)", etc.
We're those parents that let our kids run around in church. With the exception of very serious services (like my friend's funeral last year) or churches we are visiting (like never been to before) we let Oceana run around and play (within reason). I was one of those kids that was glued by the tush to my seat in church - that's probably just the old-school way to do it. I think it's partly our church (very laid back in an old bowling clubhouse - not your traditional set-up). So at the funeral Oceana reacted the same way and I didn't care. She was running around, dancing to the music, talking (you can hear her ALL through the video) but I don't care. I started to control her and then I thought, "No. Wait. This is Oceana. This is our family. Of all times I'm not going to feel like I NEED to make her behave like a porcelain doll." She had fun. And I'd rather remember it that way - than Oceana freaking out and crying.
She saw Joshua in his casket, and gave him night-night kisses before we left the crematorium. She doesn't understand death, and for that I'm glad. She'll understand better in the future, but for now she has a very positive outlook on the situation and I love that.

**Did we have an open casket?
Yes. My only issue with open casket was that usually we laid Joshua down with his cele out straight, but in the casket it had to be beside him, which looked strange - and unlike him. But he looked pretty good (considering that embalming is difficult and limited for an infant).

**Where are we moving? I don't know. Uh, I don't know the exact house or neighborhood. But a city about an hour south. Still in New Zealand. Just no longer in retirement village/podunkville.

**Do we have MOPS here?
No, but we have Mainly Music. It's a music hour for parents and under-5's. Quite fun. There's previous posts about it.