Friday, March 21, 2008

Lots of questions, not enough time to answer

Today's a packing/sorting day. I've had a hard time focusing today. It didn't occur to me until my mom said that it's been one week since Joshua died. Wow. I can't believe I didn't realize it. But I feel very out of sorts today. Not sure what exactly is going on here. I know it's probably "Joshua-Stuff" as I term it when Matt asks, "What's wrong?". That's code for, "I don't know what's going on, I'm out of sorts, I miss him, but I can't decide what to do about it." It happened before Joshua was born, after he was born, and it's happening now that he's gone. It's never one particular emotion, but I get sort of spacey and can't focus on anything. I get fidgety, but I'm lazy at the same time. It's "Joshua-Stuff".

One question that I wanted to answer - because I've been thinking about it myself - is:
**How's Heather (his nurse) doing?

To be honest, I'm not sure. When she came to his funeral, she brought her husband with her. I thought that was so special, because I realized she's been going home at night and telling her family (11 and 14 yr olds) about Joshua. She brought her daughter with her, who is a nurse in the neurosurgery ward of Starship (the hospital Joshua would have been at - had surgery been an option). She got personally involved. And I know it's hard for her. All I know as of today is that she was bawling at his funeral, came through the receiving line, gave me a huge "I-don't-want-to-let-go" hug and left. I know it was hard for her - I could see it. I think it's hard for her in some ways (just my guess) because her daughter (above) is my age - maybe it hits home more when it's someone close to your children's age.

I know for myself, when Tarah lost Gideon, I was much more personally attached than some of my friends because I was pregnant with Oceana.

And I know that Heather actually loved Joshua. And I'm so glad she did. Because I know she wouldn't have made an effort the way she did if she didn't love him. But it's gotta be hard to have your work be so close to you. To be so painful. I think she reads this blog - I hope I didn't make her cry by writing this. If I did - Sorry Heather.

Blogland - I'm not gonna mince words - Heather is the primary reason Joshua stayed with us so long! She saved his life more than once. And I believe that wholeheartedly. She was an ABSOLUTE GODSEND. Xo Heather.


  1. hi there
    Suzie, get used to feeling that way, it is all part of grieving. Sometimes your brain just says - I haven't the energy to cope and kind of spaces out. As time goes by these episodes will lessen but hopefully most times you will be able to sit back and have a cuppa to give yourself down time. Hang in there and give eachother heaps of hugs - they mean more than words anyway!
    You are always in my thoughts
    Love you guys

  2. Thank you for answering my question. You are so young and yet you seem to be so wise and full of life and love... I have been told when things are too hard to handle or you dont know how to deal with them put it into God's hands and let him take it.. He will guide you and get you through this.. Your daughter is very lucky to have a mother and father that have so much love as you do.. I dont know you but only through your blogs and have seen the love you all have in your hearts.. Your love kept Joshua with you as long as he was along with his nurse. Thank you for your blogs and showing us that LOVE is so important...

  3. Thank you, Susie, for answering that question.

    Heather, if you're reading this... We love you, because you love Joshua. Thanks for taking such good care -- of all of them...

  4. (((((SUSIE))))), I think you're feeling what anyone would feel in your situation. Don't think you "should" be feeling any particular way, and don't let anyone judge you. This is your pain and you need to deal with it the best you can. I would suggest, however, if you get to a point you can't function, professional counseling helps a lot. Everyone gets emotionally sick from time to time and requires that kind of intervention just as they do when they are physically sick. Your heart is broken. You hurt. God is with you. Just as your own parents would never will you to fall when walking right beside you, but they are there to pick you up and comfort you if you scrape your knee. Just so the Heavenly Father is there to pick you up now. Bless you.

  5. I am a pediatric nurse also, and although I have never done hospice type situations,I am sure that although it must be difficult for Heather, that it takes a special type of person to be a nurse. I find that most nurses have a deep sense of caring and love, that is why we went into the profession of caring for others. I am so glad that she was able to have your family, because as you say she meant so much to you, I am sure you all meant even more to her.

  6. As a nurse for another one of God's special messengers, I understand the love that Heather felt and feels for Joshua. If she is at all like me than she feels a great deal of thanks to you for allowing her into your home and to you for letting her love your son. My little one is with of us now but I know that everyday with her is a blessing and I cherish it. For me she is the only child in my life on earth since I have three babies in heaven waiting on me. I am blessed to know her and she allows me to snuggle and kiss her like I never got the chance to with my children who I lost before I was 25 years old and now am unable to have anymore. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and expirences. You and Matt are an inspiration. And know that Joshua was a great messenger, thanks to him and God who found a way to spread the Word in a unquie envolope of love. Melissa, WV

  7. If Heather is crying, I'll bet it's because she feels so privileged to have been a part of your family for these last couple of months and to walk with you through such an incredible journey. Thank God for nurses like her who are able to do their jobs with empathy for the patients they serve and their families. She sounds like a real angel.

    I have so much respect for you, and the strength you have had during this time of your life.

  8. My mom did hospice when I was growing up. Even when she wasn't doing hospice or home health as a nurse, she still ended up being the person people called when the time was near. Most patients she helped. She helped them, and they taught her. But then there is the one every now and then that God places especially in your life and on your heart. Those people became part of our lives. She loved them, I loved them, and we all gained wisdom from them, and we all grieved them.
    I am in tears remembering and knowing the love Heather had for Joshua, and the amazing ways he must have shown her God's grace.

  9. The way you explained "Joshua stuff" I remember feeling that way (with Gideon) only not knowing how to explain it. Thank you for being able to put it into words but I'm sorry that that you can put it into words. I think of you often. If you ever want to talk please feel free to email me. I'm so gald that God put Heather into your life (we have a Dr like that) and that she was able to take such good care of him and then when it was time come to Joshua's service. I know it's hard for them (dr's & nurses attending funerals) but it really does show how much our boys were loved.