**What happened when Joshua's cele ruptured? What was left that we covered up?
I did not see it rupture, and I didn't look much afterwards. However, it seems that a bit of the membrane ripped or burst on the top of it (the end opposite to his skull). It was empty in about 2 minutes, and it was just a watery fluid. It wasn't sticky or coloured. I did not look at the cele much until the day after it burst. It was like looking at a placenta. I know that sounds gross - but the others words that are popping into my head are much worse and I can't write them down... I can't handle it. If you've had a baby and been curious enough to look at your placenta, you'll know what I mean. It looks strangely coloured, with white cheesy stuff, and its a bit floppy pancake. Well, to be brutally honest, it's about what Joshua's cele looked like. Not that large - about the size of my hand (fingers included). It was empty, except a small portion of brain that was still enclosed.
**What did we lay him to rest in?
I hesitate to say, only because I haven't told the people involved. However - Bryce and Christina - we used your outfit. Sorry to tell you on the blog.
It was very important to me that everything he ACTUALLY wore stay with me. But I wanted to put him in something special. So the week before he passed away our friends Bryce & Christina visited and brought him two gorgeous outfits. One was the Little Captain romper, which is my favorite of all his clothing, the other was a blue and yellow striped polo onesie with yellow pants. They said Dino-something or other and had a blue dinosaur on the knee. They were too big for him, so I folded them over about 2 or 3 inches in the back and safety-pinned them. The onesie was just too long, so that was ok. I sent a new diaper and white ankle socks with Kevan the funeral director. I also gave him a pair of blue booties (from yarn the Christina sent - just thought about that...) that I made. I had made two pairs of booties from the yarn and the pair I sent were the ones he wore a lot, but they'd gotten quite beat-up in the washer, so I liked the others (a bit bigger) better and decided to keep them. He wore a white hat I'd made for him (it's sort of off white - in the pictures of him laying on his tummy) that was too small for him when he had his big cele. It was something I knit for him, but I made it faaar too small, so it fit him after his cele rupture, just perfectly.
I wanted him to have something special to wear. But not something so special that I'd be heartbroken if I didn't have it with me. The outfit I sent was very very special to me, because it was gift given specifically to him (a lot of stuff was either used or ebayed or hand-me-downs) that outfit was one of very few things given brand new to him. But he didn't wear it before he passed away, so it was easier to let them go.
He looked pretty good - but it wasn't the little boy I was used to holding. And that made it easier to say goodbye, because I didn't feel like it was the Joshua I nursed. I mean, it was him, but not him as I remember him. I didn't need to linger at his casket, because I knew the little boy I wanted to remember was on those videos and pictures at home. I didn't want to paste dead-Joshua in my mind, because that's not the little boy I want to remember. The little boy I want to remember is in that video.
Please feel free to continue asking me questions. Honestly, this blog is an outlet for me. It helps me to process my feelings, and it's so nice to know that you pray for us. :)