Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Link sent by Blogger-Jenni

Jenni, a blog read, emailed me this today. It says very well what I've been saying for a while now. I hope you can hear what I'm saying from a different, outside, perspective.

People have said to me, "But won't you hurt worse in the long run?"

I can't tell you, "No, it won't hurt worse." But I can tell you that as a parent, I welcome that pain because it's one of my only remaining connections with Joshua. As a parent, I want to feel the pain, because he's mine. He was precious. He was my son. My only son. My second child. My Joshua.

Why would I trade that for "less pain"?

And I still would have done it if he'd died soon after birth, or been stillborn. Loving on him even after he was gone wasn't gross to me. It was my last chance. I lifted him from his bassinet into the carry bassinet the funeral director brought. I rubbed his cheeks after he was gone. I adjusted him in his casket because I thought "He doesn't look comfortable". Those were my last parenting decisions.

It was precious time. Never traded.


  1. Susie, I don't think that you could have said it any better than that. I watched the video, and my best friend lost her baby to t-18 in november, she also lived for 29 days. She is also, like you very strong, and has picked up the pieces well. The strength that you show, and the love you have for you children isn't "amazing" it's what you are supposed to do, it's called mothers love, and anyone who has a child(ren) knows what I'm talking about. I pray for all of you everyday, and I know that it will lessen for you, all in God's time.

    With prayers everyday, from Indiana

  2. Beautiful article . I cried so hard thinking of my Kaylee , your Joshua and all their angel friends.

  3. Hi Susie,

    This is a beautiful article and I want to thank you for posting it. Hold on tight and let go. This is exactly what you did with Joshua and I admire you for the wonderful life you have given him. I don't believe we can truly feel what joy is if we have never experienced pain. The precious time you spent with him will get you through, one day at a time. I hope you put up his pictures all over your new house too. You carry him in your heart always. Love to you guys.

    Laurie in Ca.

  4. You did what you knew was right - I hope that you always remember that! It's too bad much of the world does what's "easy" instead of what's right.

    I pray your story will be an encouragement to others who might face a similar situation. Joshua was a human little boy, with a heart, a soul, and a purpose. I'm thankful that I have been able to read about his life.

  5. What a precious article. (well, we'll ignore the insensitive doctor bits) And Susie, yours was even more beautiful.

    One can only imagine what it is our Father God would have us learn from these experiences. Adam and I discussed this long ago, and even more so since Joshua and all the tiny Trisomy babies since Copeland... We would/could never, ever terminate. It is God who has the childs days numbered, not us. He may take, but we will never kill. (I know that is harsh words and some people may take offence; please, this is just our opinion and we do not judge them for theirs) As you said, Susie, you would nev er trade that timefor anything. Kensie would never trade Maddox's single breath, Yvette would never trade Tristans 56 days, Boothe Coplands 8, Emily her precious Miller Grace's 5, Angie Poppy's 3 hours, and so on and so on. God will not ever ever let this grief and heartbreak go to waste. That wuld be cruel, and he is not a cruel God, he is Love. In your instance Susie, you feel the need to write a book... how many people will be blessed because of what you write? I know that I have been already, by you and these other ladies, by your faith, your honesty, your transparency and your willingness to share your precious babies with the world. God has been glorified through you and your children. And in the end, that's all that really matters... that He is glorified and praised and lifted High... and your precious infants do that without a word, without a step; they have achieved more in their brief lives that we can hope to do in a life time.

    Susie, you are incredible. You inspire me to be a better mother and a better peson. You are so precious. Keep your chin up, even if it quivers. You've got a few thousand people backing you up.

  6. Matt and i talk about it all the time now, how it "might be easier" to an outsider, but how precious these children are and how important Joshua wAs to his family and how important he became to everyone he touched. You said it yourself, it's not the length or your life, it's the amount of life in the length. My eyes well up at least once a day thinking about you Susie. I hope you're doing okay, I can't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. I just wish I could hug you, but I know it wouldn't help. How many times do you need to hear "be strong" blAhblAh I'm sure you're sick of it. Just be ok.

    Love ,


  7. I was only just directed to your blog today and have spent quite a bit of time reading over many of your posts. I promptly went back to the posts starting at Joshuas birth and quickly became engrossed in reading about your beautiful son.

    I am so sorry for your loss, grateful that you were blessed with many weeks with Joshua, and ever more grateful for my own daughter (who is 1 month old tomorrow).

    Thank you for sharing Joshua with everyone who read/s your blog. I hope it ends up being helpful for others in the same position you and your husband found yourselves in upon learning about Joshuas health problems.

  8. I was just thinking I should clarify something... If I should suffer an ectopic pregnancy or if continuing on with the pregnancy would lose me my own life; in the first instance of course I would have to abort, but I would feel so devastated about it... however the second, the doctors would have to have a watertight explanation, and even then, it would take prayer and (safe) fasting before coming to any conclusion.

  9. I hope one day to be able to meet you.

    I, too, re-arranged my grandmother in her casket. In fact, when they got ready to close it, they didn't lay her down very much, her face was still above the lower rim so that when it closed it would have been right next to the top of it. That bothered me so I asked the girl to keep cranking it down until she was completely laying in the bottom part. I straightened the cushion beneath her and when I looked up, there were tears in the funeral aid girl's eyes. She was clearly touched and I was so glad that the love I have for my grandmother was so tangible.

    I can imagine you snuggling Joshua after he died. I can imagine you putting him in the funeral home's carring bassinet and how that might have felt for you.

    People often said to me, "It must be so hard caring for your grandmother and seeing her this way." It wasn't hard like they meant. It was a natural part of her life, her preparation for passing on.

    I can't say enough how glad I am that you've created this blog, Susie, and that so many people are reading it. When I read what you write, I feel so normal, meaning I'm living the natural way God intended, respecting his plan and honoring it, pain and all.

  10. Oh Suzie that made me cry and cry. It really explains why you and Matt choose how you did. My husband and I have discussed at great lengths what we would do with a similiar diagnosis. We are currently thinking of getting pregnant again. And reading your blog has given me pause about whether I want to trust God again to give us a child to love. I just think how unfair it is and how sad. I wonder if I would have the strength to live life fast and then let go. But now after reading today's blog I understand why you made your choice. I can only pray that whatever God gives us that he will give us the strength to love and honor that gift, child and to parent to the best of our abilities.

    I just want to thank you for sharing your story and you precious baby Joshua with us in blog land. Your story has touched somany hearts in way that you may never know. Like ripples in the pond, you have reached hearts and that loving effect will continue for generations to come.

    Thank you and I am still praying for you Matt and Oceana.

    Jennifer Bray
    Spokane,WA USA

  11. your words, heart-felt and love filled never cease to amaze me. God has given you a gift touch others and reach people and your precious son in his time fulfilled something very special God called him to do in showing mankind the love and peace of God. When you face the good days and bad can always know the time he had here......was beyond precious, just like you said......and you are treasuring that gift. You are a gift too...a gift to all of us who read your blog.

  12. Susie, you have no idea how much I needed to hear your words from this entry and your last one.

    Today of all days, today was the day I needed to read this.

    I cannot thank you enough.

  13. Much of what God has called us to do as keepers of his creation is to be a good steward of that which he has entrusted us with. I believe that our children are included in that. Children really have no voice, it is up to us to protect them and love them no matter what. Joshua was a perfect creation of God whose life has ministered to many. I pray that your life continues to be blessed. Congrats on the new home!

  14. Susie-I've not read Jenni's link yet but I can say that your post SAYS IT ALL. Holding that precious baby- before and or after- he went to be with the Jesus makes no difference. And yes, you are STILL a parent to Joshua. And a family of four you will be- until the day you add on if that is your choice.

    Thank you for sharing. I wil be sure to read the link as well.

    Still praying for you.

  15. Susie, thanks for really getting to point about how precious life is. There is no easy or easier about a child that will most likely die. That child's family needs to just hold on to that precious child until God brings him Home. Cuz life is precious; and God is in control

  16. Thank you for that link...what a beautiful and tragic story!!

    For what it's worth, I feel exactly as you do - and I would have made the same decision as you. I think the fact that you feel this way is beautiful also.

  17. Beautifully and eloquently said.

  18. Hi. I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks now. This post really hit home when you said about loving on him after he was gone wasn't gross to you. Our first baby, Zachary, was born at just under 24 weeks gestation. He was only with us for a week and a half. He was nowhere near stable enough for us to hold him, until he started going downhill quickly and we knew he wasn't going to make it. Then we were able to hold him for his last moments. After he was gone, we were able to bathe him and dress him and spend as much time with him as we wanted. It was the first time we ever got to see his whole face with tubes or tape. We cherished that time with him. Then we also decided on a viewing with an open casket. And we held him that night, too. We sucked up every moment we had left with him, even if his spirit wasn't in his body anymore. We took pictures, too. Anyway, I just felt compelled to tell you that I totally understand where you're coming from. And I'm very sorry for your loss. So happy you got to spend so much time with your precious baby boy, though :*)