Jenni, a blog read, emailed me this today. It says very well what I've been saying for a while now. I hope you can hear what I'm saying from a different, outside, perspective.
People have said to me, "But won't you hurt worse in the long run?"
I can't tell you, "No, it won't hurt worse." But I can tell you that as a parent, I welcome that pain because it's one of my only remaining connections with Joshua. As a parent, I want to feel the pain, because he's mine. He was precious. He was my son. My only son. My second child. My Joshua.
Why would I trade that for "less pain"?
And I still would have done it if he'd died soon after birth, or been stillborn. Loving on him even after he was gone wasn't gross to me. It was my last chance. I lifted him from his bassinet into the carry bassinet the funeral director brought. I rubbed his cheeks after he was gone. I adjusted him in his casket because I thought "He doesn't look comfortable". Those were my last parenting decisions.
It was precious time. Never traded.