Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Beginning to lose control.....

I like control. I'm not a control-freak, I really don't think I am. But I do like to have control of myself - ie. reactions, emotions, abilities. Part of what bothers me about this whole scenario with Joshua and his birth is that I have almost **zero** control.

I rarely have control over my reaction to people's comments, and I definitely cannot control their comments. I do not have the strong grasp on my emotions that I normally do. I find it most disturbing that I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, without warning, over ridiculous things.

I do have control over the way I delivery Joshua - to some extent. Obviously my plan - as I've said before - is to birth naturally, but there's always the small possibility that Joshua could get stuck (because of his skull deformities) and I'll end up with an emergency c-section. So, that's probably the only thing I have control over. But at the same time, birth has a "mind of its own" and will progress when, how, and as it wants. I don't have the little order form that says, "Dilation: Quick, but not too quick, Effacement: QUICK and full, Contractions: Bearable, recognizable, and useful, Birth: Easy, not long, etc." That order form would be fantastic. But...barring some huge leaps and bounds in medicine, I don't see it happening. :)

I don't have control of when I'll go into labor. And this is an issue. My sister arrived last week from Invercargill (bottom of the South Island of New Zealand) and she leaves at 1pm on the 31st. Matt's mom, Pam, arrives at 6am on the 31st. It's one trip to the airport (2 hours away) and Cate will spend some time reading at the airport - they'll never be in the house together. Which means: They won't both be here for the birth, passing, etc. of Joshua. I feel bad, but I can't control this.

I hate that I start to cry over ridiculous things: Like Sunday. My tummy was hurting because of the manual version on Friday. I discovered Saturday that I had a **women's infection** in an **unfriendly** region. I also found I had picked up a (easily disposed of) parasite on Sunday. (Just to clarify that: I was at a YWAM base where a team just arrived back from the Philippines and I didn't take extra care when I was there. It's easy to pick up if you're a nailbiter - and I'm chronic).

So I realized the 3rd thing, and burst into tears. I leaned on the fridge, and sobbed! But the whole time I was crying, I knew I was just losing control of emotions that are related to Joshua, and the tears were just manifesting themselves because I was uncomfortable, in pain, and frustrated. It's a crazy place to be: aware of something in myself, but still not having control over it!

I think that's about the extent of my thoughts at the moment. I've lost control. And that feels horrible...because of all the times I wish I had something to do, change, try... I can't! I haven't got the ability to change my situation. I can lay low and hope my bruising subsides, I can treat my infection, I can get rid of the parasite. But...I can't change my situation.

Joshua will still be born. Joshua will still go to be with Jesus. I'm okay with him being with Jesus. But I'm not okay with him ~not~ being with me. Can you understand the difference? I understand and believe that his real home isn't here (as mine is not as well) and that he will be most "comfortable" in the presence of God. But I still want him here with me. I still want to hold him. I still want to moan about my flabby tummy - but feel better about it because I can see the fruits of my "labor" in my lap. I still want to watch him grow up to be a strong and wonderful man. And I don't have control over that.


  1. Thanks for inviting us to red your blog. We love you. The control thing must run in the genes.....I like my life can laugh now. Flexibility, surrender, trusting God with the details of my life - it gets messy, and mostly I fail miserably.

    I want to trust God for EVERYTHING, Every purpose he has for Joshua.

  2. I understand the difference. I'm praying for you. Hope things physically and emotionally get better in the days to come. God Bless!


  3. I want so much for Joshua to be born alive!!! I want to see this person who has graced our lives for the past 6 months. God cannot deny us that. Please God, let us see and hold our precious Joshua!

  4. I hope you can still get comments from old posts.
    I clicked by your blog from SGT and Mrs. Hubs, and I am touched by your strength in the midst of your struggles. It is such a blessing to see you always clinging to the promises of God through the heartbreaking and at the same time joyful experience of giving birth to a very sick child. While I understand the ranting and questioning God; (that is natural in your circumstances,) but I see the faith that you and your husband have and that is encouraging.
    I'm planning on reading and catching up on all your old posts, so I may comment here and there.
    God bless you.