Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua Matthew
My precious boy, oh how I miss you.
Do you know that I think about you every day?
Do you know that you are included in every bedtime prayer?
"Thank you Father for Oceana, Joshua, and Naomi. Please be with the girls tonight as they sleep..."
I've said it that way since it was only you and your big sister.
You're still here with us, in our everyday life.
Your picture sits in the bathroom, right beside the toothbrushes.
Your pacifier sits in the bathroom cupboard.
And another picture sits on my bedroom windowsill, right next to your bear [urn].
We talk about you, we think about, and we love you.
Oceana knows that you are with Jesus.
But she tells me almost every day ... "I miss Joshua!" and usually sniffles and cries a few times a week about you not being here.
She thinks you are in the clouds. It's hard for her to understand that's not where Heaven is.
But she knows Heaven, angels, and Jesus are all in the same place with Joshua and the baby from Mommy's tummy.
Time has made missing you easier and harder.
As time goes on, the pain becomes less acute.
But as time goes on, I see how much I'm missing.
With each glance at a nearly-3-year-old, I realize I'm missing out on so much more.
I'm missing skinned knees, potty training, grubby fingers, and muddy shoes.
I'm missing a little boy who's hopelessly devoted to his Momma - until Daddy walks in the door.
I'm missing watching a little boy learn how to hold a hammer.
I'm missing boys toys. There's a lot of pink around here.
I'm missing a train themed birthday party. Or spiders. Or football.
You'll have some cupcakes today, but I don't have any special decorations.
I'll do my best to make them look like "manly cupcakes", though I'm not sure what that means.
Last night we went to the store to buy ingredients for your birthday cupcakes.
Oceana chose carrot cake. I made sure we bought silver cupcake liners, no pink liners for your birthday party.
And we bought you blue candles. :)
It snowed today. It's the first snow that has covered the grass since we've arrived back in the USA.
Your sisters will get to play in the snow, for the first time ever, on your 3rd birthday.
I think that's a pretty good birthday party, Joshua.
I wish you were here too.
Joshua, I wish with all my heart that the outcome had been different.
That you had survived.
That you hadn't had such a severe problem.
But you did. And that's okay. I miss you.
I wish you were here so I could try to grab you as you ran past me this morning.
I wish I could snag you by the arm, hoist you into my lap and say,
"Happy Birthday Joshua! Do you know you're 3 today? We're going to make cupcakes this morning! Just for you!"
I wish your sisters were excited about giving you birthday presents.
They are excited to send you your birthday balloon.
It's floating on the kitchen ceiling right now, waiting to come to you on your birthday.
Daddy's working all day today and Saturday, so watch for your balloon on Sunday, okay?
Gramma and PopPop wanted to send you the balloon too, so they'll be there.
Nana and Baboo sent you a balloon yesterday, from the spot we sent you balloons on your 1st and 2nd birthdays.
Joshua, on your birthday, I love you.
I miss you.
And I grieve, with hope.
Thank you to all of you who have read Joshua's story. Thank you for loving him with us. And thank you for telling me that you love him, because it means the world to me, to know that I am not the only one marked by my little boy. That my life was not the only one changed by such a small, special boy. You have my heart my blog-family. You have no idea.