Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Joshua March 08

Joshua March 08, originally uploaded by mnssams.

Tonight we had dinner at my parent's house. Dahvede's family had just arrived in Tauranga today for the wedding, so it was a collection of family (minus my sister Cate and her husband Drew) for dinner. I planned to stay and hang out with Havalah and Dorothy, so I put Oceana and Naomi to bed there (we do this pretty often - simply transport them home, in and out of the carseats and for the most part it works well).

Naomi went down at 8pm and Oceana went down (FINALLY) and 9pm. Just as I shut my parents door, where Oceana was sleeping, I heard Naomi stir on my brother Josiah's bed. She started to cry, so I picked her up and we had a nice cuddle while she went back to sleep.

I was zoning out. Ok, so I was "reading" the KFC flier. I looked down at Naomi to see how far away we were from being able to lay her down. As I glanced at her face, I saw Joshua.

Her eyes were in that nearly-out look, fluttering between open and closed and her mouth was hanging out catching flies. She looked just like Joshua in the last 24 hours of his life.

Physically I sat there and said nothing more than, "Oh wow." But inside you'd have had to scrape me off the pavement with a spatula. I was so shocked to realize I'd thought I was holding him for a moment.

Can I tell you the truth? I thought Naomi was dead today. Not this time. Another time. She slept for 2 hours this afternoon (she doesn't do this normally, I'm close to *paying* her to sleep this long regularly). When I went up to check on her (she hadn't made a sound, I was scared) she didn't look rosy-cheeked. I had to stare at her to make sure she was still breathing.

I really hate that I think like that. But I do. I do all the time.

Joshua ... we miss you Buddy. I so wish you could be a ringbearer with your cousin Jacob beside you and your sisters as flowergirls. *Kisses from Momma*


  1. I just prayed for you. I know it sounds trite, and I'm sorry for that.

    I think all mamas have that moment of panic, though, admitedly, not in the same way you do.

    ... I've deleted about 5 things now saying to myself "no, that's a dumb thing to say", so I'll just leave it. Know you are thought of often, and are mentioned to the Throne Room daily in my prayers.

    Be strong. Be courageous. The Lord your God is with you. <3

  2. Hi Susie i dont post often but always read your posts, I think all your children look alike, they are peas in a pod! it was nice to see a big pic of Joshua again, thanks for posting it, it made me smile! good luck with the wedding and immigration, - Barb in Melb.

  3. Susie, when I saw that picture of Joshua, before I even read your entry, I thought "WOW Naomi looks JUST like Joshua!" I bought you a book. It's called "Jesse" by Chris Pringle, wife of Phil Pringle, who runs Christian City Church in Australia (The mother church to my NYC church plant!) They're original Kiwi's I'm pretty sure ;-) But her book is about a vision of their son who died as an infant. I've heard many people say this book was a healing process with the loss of a child. I'll send it to you as soon as I get it in. Facebook me your address. (I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries, when I heard about this book I instantly thought of you and wanted to send it to you)

  4. Oh Susie...I've had those "scares" before, too. They're awful!

    I've always thought Naomi looked like Joshua, and can totally see how that would catch you off-guard sometimes.

    Sending hugs and prayers from the USA this morning!

  5. Dear Susie,
    It probably happens quite often... the wishing that Joshua could be with your family NOW! I know one day your will all be together again, however that doesn't help your longing in the here and now. Bless you heart a mother should not have to bear this sadness.

  6. Joshua has the cutest nose EVER!!!
    Hugs, Sharon

  7. Thanks for sharing...It was great to see Joshua again :) FYI...I havent lost a child and I still have those OMG moments when they've been sleeping too long or are sleeping too quietly...many of times I've uncovered them to make sure they're breathing ... I think its a *normal* thing...or at least I hope it is or Im crazy!! I cant imagine how much harder it must be for you though. Hugs :)

  8. Wow, I can't imagine. What a difficult memory/flashback.

  9. Wow, what a difficult head space to be in. I can't imagine how you must have felt. I'm sorry you think that way. :(

  10. Haven't had access to internet and I'm doing catch up. Miss Joshua as well. I often wake up to make sure my kids are still alive.

  11. Wow, I can definately see the resemblance in that picture! I imagine it did take a minute to shake yourself back to reality!

  12. Susie, it must be so bitter sweet. It was sorta a shock that felt like my heart stopped for a split second whenever you posted your Family picture recently. Inside I gasped and said, "o joshua..."
    We think of him too!!! LOVE YOU GUYS!

  13. I wish Joshua could be there too. I wished that he could be with us at the dedications of Naomi and Evan. And Father God gave me a picture of Jesus looking down from heaven with Joshua in his arms! They were there with us! And I have prayed that Father God will give you a picture of Jesus holding Joshua witnessing this beautiful wedding day. Jesus will bring him to be with his family on this joyous occasion. Love you sweetie! Mom Sams

  14. I think like that, too, girl. All the time.

    They were worth it. Their sisters are worth it. And His grace is sufficient.

    My heart's right there with yours and I thank God for that.