Sunday, May 10, 2009

My boy

If you were reading my Twitter in the wee hours of the morning, you'll know I shed some tears today.

See it's Mother's Day, and my boy's been on my mind today.

I was blessed that our sermon was given today by our pastor's wife, who's walked a long journey of infertility. Amy's just welcome her little miracle daughter Rosie about six weeks before Naomi arrived. Hearing someone who understand heartache share about "HOPE" was really wonderful. She didn't ignore the broken women in our congregation this morning, because she knows the pain of watching women celebrate while she is in agony. It was a really good day, but Joshua was still at the forefront of my mind. I find myself imagining life with a three year old, a sixteen month old, an a newborn. Life seems chaotic right now, but oh how I wish it were more chaotic.

The day was pretty good, up till the evening when we were watching Grey's Anatomy on TV. I know - quality TV right? We're a bit behind here, but it was the episode that included a little boy waiting for a transplant. The doctor called his mother into the room and said, "Hold him, he's going...". I could hear what was coming! I heard my own words echoing through my heart and had to take a dep breath as I heard her say, "It's okay baby, Momma loves you. You can go. It's alright."

See, 13 months ago I said those words. In fact, I spent a day and a half saying those words to my little boy. I told him it was okay to go. I told him he was going to be with Jesus and that Jesus would take care of him. I told him I was proud of him, and that I loved him.

And it was gut-wrenching to watch it with my own eyes. The tears began to flow and I held onto Naomi a lot tighter. For the next 30-45 minutes I sat with Naomi on my chest and every few minutes I hugged her a little tighter. I held Joshua the same way - for nearly a day and a half - telling him it was okay to go.

I found myself relieved to watch the mother in the show get her medical miracle - and get her son back from the brink of death.

We didn't get to keep this precious boy.

But we did get a miracle, didn't we?

Happy Mother's Day to the mothers who've had, held, loved, lost, and treasured.

Miscarried, Premature, Full term, Stillborn, Incompatible with Life, Accident, Tragedy....

Happy? Maybe not.

Joyful? Most definitely. The joy of having Joshua will never fade.

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  1. Yes...we did get our miracle. Yes, we did.

    A Joyful Mother's Day to you!

  2. Wow, what a heartfelt post - thank you for sharing your pain with us. I think Mother's Day can be such a blessing, but also such a painful day for those who have lost a child or can't is a very sad reminder of what's missing. Thank you for this beautiful post.

  3. I am shedding tears as I read this post.

    I can imagine the heartache you must feel.

    But I do know the joy. I am so happy that you were blessed with some time with Joshua, and that you were able to share him with the world. He has impacted a lot of lives and to this day I still tell people about him.

    Happy Mothers Day. God bless.

  4. Happy Mothers day Susie!!!

  5. What a beautiful tribute to your beautiful son on Mother's Day. You're a wonder, sweet Susie. :)

  6. beautiful post...

    i especially love the end...happy vs. joyful. its a tough one.

    i'm glad you have your sweet little girl to hold this mother's day...a bittersweet day for all of us who have lost our children.

  7. Blessings this Mother's Day...I am also missing someone..I miss her so..
    God Bless
    mom to 3 one that lives with God..

  8. Thinking of you today.

    Many people may say that TV shows are a waste of time...

    however, I have heard wonderful bits of wisdom and advice on Grey's Anatomy. The writers of this show must be deep thinkers...
    we get to share in what they know through their writing.

    I also cry during Hallmark commercials... so maybe I am extra sensitive. I do understand how watching that episode could trigger feelings deep within yourself.

    Happy Mother's Day!
    I am sure that Joshua is close by watching over his Mommy.


  9. sweet it is for you to wish EVERY Mother a Happy Mother's Day...even if she doesn't have a little one in her arms to hold..Happy Mother's Day to you as well..and as hard as it must be (and I cant even begin to imagine) you still make sure every "mom" is recognized! It seems today, everyone forgets those mothers...who have lost their little seems its become a day for mother's who have their children beside them...and I want to thank you :) Susie: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY :)

  10. It is so good to know I am not the only one feeling this way today. (((hugs)))

  11. Happy Mother's Day.

    I remember telling my son I was so proud to be his mother and it was okay to go back home. He was having such a hard time breathing I didn't think he could it up. Just like now, he was to stubborn to listen to me. I've been lucky/blessed enough to have him here for 3 years. The best three years of my life.


  12. Beautiful post. Thank you. I love that picture of you and Joshua! My first baby would have been about three, due date was three years ago today actually. My second baby, a girl, should have been about 2. Both I lost in the first trimester. Thankfully I now have a beautiful 17 month old boy, and now another baby on the way. I'm joyful today, and a little sad. Thank you for sharing.

  13. I shed so many tears reading this post. So beautiful and heart rending. Someone wished me a happy mother's day this morning and congratulated me on our new grandbaby. Yea I said number 4! She looked at me really funny and I said, Oceana, Joshua, Evan and Naomi. I get really upset when they don't count Joshua. I am so proud of you as you minister through your blog out of your grief to all those in similar circumstances. Love you so much, sweetie. Happy Mother's Day!

  14. Happy mothers day. I love that picture of you and your boy.

  15. Susie,
    You are so sweet to include all of us who share with you the loss of a child... to wish us a Happy Mother's Day. Your boy and 2 girls are just precious. I loved hearing your heartfelt words and memories of your sweet Joshua!

  16. Oh Susie! I feel your pain to an extent. I have been reading your blog but have not ever posted until now. I started reading about the time Joshua was born.

    I do kind of understand what you are going through though. I had nine miscarriages in the first five years my husband and I were married. We wanted a baby so badly and Mother's Day was so hard after so many losses and still not holding a baby in our arms. After a little more then 5 years of being married, trying, and miscarrying so many time, we had our first beautiful daughter. She was born at 37 weeks due to preeclampsia but we were so blessed that all was well with both me and her.
    Two years and two more miscarriages later, we welcomed our second daughter into our family. She was born at 33 weeks and we would have lost her if she had not been born then due to placenta problems. My body knew something was wrong though and my water broke and I went into labor and 2 hours later she was born. We were blessed that she was ok and was only in the NICU for three weeks but it was still a struggle. Now, less than two years and another two miscarriages later, their little brother joined our family 9 weeks early on April 20 (so 3 weeks ago). He is still in the NICU and doing well now but he was very sick when he was born.

    This has been a bittersweet Mother's Day for me. I remember all of my losses and the struggles we went through. I was able to hold each of my children tight today but I had to leave my baby at the hospital and I couldn't hold all three at the same time. They can't all be together right now. I know that your children can't all be together right now but I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

    I know that in a couple of weeks I will be able to hold all three of my children together. It's still been a hard day though. Every time I left my little boy at the hospital I cried. I do get to hold him though and I know he will be home soon. I still cannot and do not want to forget my losses though and I wish that I could hold all of my children in my arms, even the ones I never held.
    I have been thinking of you today. I am glad that you were able to cuddle your sweet Naomi and be with her and Oceana today on this day that has been bittersweet for many of us. ((((HUGS))) To you sweet mama! All of your children are blessed to have you.

    Happy Mother's Day to every Mother in every situation out there. I know there are so many who are not holding their children and I have struggled with that in the past and it's such a difficult thing!

  17. Thank you Susie,
    I think I needed to hear that. You see, up until July 2, 2008 I had a son 17 and a daughter 19. My son decided while going on visitation (I'm divorced) that he preferred his "other" life. He has not talked to me since a few words at Christmas. My pain of not having "both" my children with me is hard to bare. There is alot more to the story but I just wanted to say Thank you for understanding that sometimes its hard to have a "Happy" mothers day. Your heart is breaking and you just kinda want to skip it all together. I waited for a miracle. A phone call perhaps. (Did I mention he is graduating High School this year). My miracle has not happened yet. My prayers still go up.

    God Bless you and your little ones. All three of them.

    Sonja - Fl

  18. hey susie, I hope you are feeling a little better today... Sunday was hard for me too, working 9 hours straight at the spa pampering mothers all say. Mixed feelings about it, happy to put a smile on their faces, angry because I shouls have been at home with my one week old new born. Hugs, thinking of everyone who is in the same boat

  19. Heartache and blessing, joyfulness and brokeness. What a roller coaster ride this thing called life is.
    Lots of luv xxxx

  20. Thank you for sharing. I am sittiing here with tears running down my face. We will always miss them.

  21. what an amazing post. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I cant imagine what you've been thru.

    I look at my own past and my miscarriage and while the loss hurt, I'm so much more aware of the miracle of life and so much more thankful for the little ones I get to hold.

    happy mothers day! your an amazing mother.

  22. Happy Mother's Day. I cannot imagine what you are going through and what you will continue to go through. Continue to be strong. I enjoy reading your blog. I enjoy the honesty and the beauty of it. Congrats on the new baby as well! She is beautiful.

  23. This blog made me think of you and your sweet Joshua.

  24. much love to you all. you're amazing.