Monday, December 22, 2008

daze [deyz] 2. to overwhelm; dazzle

Ever get the feeling? That feeling of "Daze". I think I'm there. Of course, the entire concept of Daze is to be stunned or overwhelmed, therefore causing decision making of the thought process quite difficult (ie. Do I actually know how I'm feeling, since I am "dazed").
I have a lot to do. In fact, this evening I was trying to decide between 5 creative projects and 2 household cleaning projects. I did one creative for a while, switched to another, did a small portion of one household project, and then found another creative one that was not on the list (blogging).

All but one of these projects must be completed on a schedule. A schedule called December 25th. Some must be completed before them, some should be finished sometime before opening presents on the 25th (like wrapping presents, which would then create the oppurtunity to open them).

So I found myself, halfway through wrapping presents on the lounge floor (and realising I really should have bought more paper today) when I realised I had been thinking about Joshua for at least half an hour. Not that it is a bad thing, but sometimes I don't realise I've been consciously thinking of him until I'm already well into it. I'm pretty sure I know what set it off (not that I need a reason, but most often it is triggered). I was looking at pictures while scrapbooking (creative project #1). Then I read the S.A.N.D.S newsletter and saw his name on the list of babies. And before I knew it I'd been thinking about him for quite a while.

I love thinking about him. But I hate "remembering" what I lost. It's not that I hate thinking of him. Absolutely not - he's my precious boy! But, the realisation hits again. It goes something like this (oh yes, welcome to my brain/heart).

Joshua. Cutie face. I wish he was here. What would life be like with him here? I wish I'd bought size 1 clothes for Christmas this year. I wish I had a busier life with a toddler and a crawler in my house. How should I remember him on Christmas? Do I want to make a big deal out of it? Or do I want everyone to leave me alone and let me grieve for my boy on my own? Do I want to release a balloon. No, that's for his birthday. Should I write him a letter? Hmm, a letter. Yeah, I could do that. Read it at Christmas? No. Heck no. Light a candle for him? Yeah, maybe that. But not with everyone watching me and moments of silence. Because I don't want to cry on Christmas if I don't have to. A candle and a letter. Yeah. That's good. I don't want to do anything big and hoopla-y. That's not my style. And I get to decide what gets done. He's my boy after all. I'm glad Marie put 'Lijah's pacifier on her tree. I'm glad it reminded me to put Joshua's on our tree. I don't regret "laying him to rest" in his booties. But it'd be nice to have them back.

See??? There's all that going on in my head. Quietly, but oh man is it there. And it's LOUD inside. And somehow I'm suppose to have the brain capacity to tackle these half a dozen+ projects.

I can't. My brain simply won't do it. It's a documented fact that women's brains atrophy when they are pregnant. We're stupid-er (heh heh) for a reason! I can't make my brain do what it's supposed to some days. Like just a few minutes ago I went to put the nail polish remover in the closet, got there and realised the scrapbooking scissors were in my hand, and the remover was sitting with my scrapbook gear. Anyone seen my brain? It's in a delivery suite somewhere. Very far away!

And I'm tried. I've hit that "I can't believe I got so big so quick" and "I can't believe I'm already so worn out" stage of pregnancy. I've spent two Christmases in a row being big and pregnant (I'm not big, I just feel that way - since I have started closing the fridge door on my belly now...). It's tiring. And there's still life to live and things to be cleaned and presents to wrap and presents to create and presents to help find and wrapping paper to buy and money to finagle and people to keep happy and a house that probably shouldn't look like a tornado hit it on Christmas morning (before presents. After presents I don't care!).

I'm dazed. And I think you can probably tell that by what I've written. :) Thanks Blogland. I needed to chat. *Tap tap tap* Anyone here anymore?


  1. Yip I'm still here!!
    Well my dining table is COVERED in pressys that were bought today in our first & last day of Christmas shopping!!! And nothing for ourselves of course (well just the necessary things like t-shirt, socks & undies that we will put under the tree just so we have something to unwrap!!!)
    Giving & receiving gifts is great but lets put the focus on Jesus, family, Jesus, food & JESUS!!! (definately in that order of course!)
    You guys have yourself a FANTASTIC family Christmas time. Big Hi & Hugs all round. Oh yeah and I haven't done my Christmas cards yet either... bah!

  2. Whoops - that last comment was from me. I pressed the save before putting my name!!!

  3. Susie~

    Do whatever you need to do to make it through Christmas with Matt and Oceana. Whatever comes to your mind that day, I would say do it to remember your sweet boy. Laugh, cry, talk about him and feel free to blog the leftovers.

    Really. Joshua is your boy. You are his grieving mama.

    May your Christmas be blessed with a new sense of the love of God.

  4. I'm here! I am here every day even when I don't comment. God Bless you and your family. I love remembering Joshua and reading about your day. I have followed your blog since you gave birth and I think about you often. I am amazed at your strength and vulnerability. Thank you.

  5. Aw, sorry! We're still around. Hope you have a great week and Merry Christmas!

  6. Oh Susie,
    Of course I'm still here. I do understand your feeling. It is as if the noise in your head is keeping you preoccupied and your brain has LEFT THE BUILDING to get some piece and quiet.
    I'm not pregnant. My baby is 19 years old and I kinda don't have him anymore either. He got angry with me and went to live with daddy. that was in july. I miss him terribly and yes,,,I stop and think of him at times and remember back to when times were easier and happier. Or wonder what it would be like if he were here. This is his senior year of High School. I really loved my daughters senior year. They were so active. Watching them grow up is such a priviledge and an honor. My daughter is 20 and doing college online and works and takes care of me, since I can't seem to find my brain yet. LOLOLOL She's a wonderful person. Both my children are. It's just one is not here in my arms. Even at this age my arms ache for my baby boy. Well, I just wanted to let you know what a great job I think your doing. At least your doing Christmas. We are putting up decorations but that is all this year. We decided gifts were a bit much. Our biggest gift was my mother pulling through Open Heart Surgery in Sept. She is still recouperating. I'm so blessed to have my mother.
    Tap, Tap Tap.... anybody still there. LOLOLOL Sorry I rambled. I think of you each day. and pray for you each day. Your pregnancy, little Oceana, your marriage, your hubby, your job and everything you do. God knows your feelings and desires isn't it wonderful. Just ask him to quiet things down a bit He will.

    God Bless

  7. I'm here too Susie. I identify with the frazzled feelings you are having. I'm not pregnant,but Friday night I managed to buy something at Target I didn't realize I had bought! I took it right to the return desk, explained that I didn't mean to buy it and didn't remember putting it on the belt. She asked if I had a little one with me, and I said no. Then she said "Well you must have put it on the belt." Yes I know! That's what worries me.

    I am sure that you will figure out the perfect thing to do to remember Joshua. And praying that the Lord gives you peace.

    Lisa in NC

  8. Good luck getting everything done in time for Christmas!!! Its such a stressful holiday. But an incredible one none-the-less

  9. I am here too! I hope that your family has a lovely Christmas. I am glad that you'll do something that you want to quietly remember your precious baby boy. Do what makes you feel good to remember Joshua. I can't wait to hear about your Christmas!


  10. Susie,
    I'm Denise from Dade City, Fl. I read you blog all the time and I pray for your family often.I came upon your site via Tracy Solomon's blog she's a friend of mine. I think you should celabrate Joshua how ever your heart tells you. I strongly believe that that voice in our heart is God leading us to do his will, and placing us on his path.Well just wanted to let you know that I'm here.

  11. I'm here :)

    I never knew it was a documented fact that a woman's brain atrophy while pregnant. But, that explains a lot, let me just tell you! :)

    One step at a time... you'll get there. A clean house, a beautiful Christmas day, a wonderful time with your memories. Don't rush.


  12. Definately here!! Pregnancy brain is GREAT, isn't it! I love the way you put into words how you think about Joshua! You are so sweet!
    I hope you get all your projects done & have a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!
    Emily in Mississippi

  13. I'm here! I remember baby brain very well and I hope you find the peace to just get done what you can and understand that others will understand if you just can't do it all. Try to give yourself a present of a few minutes every night with a hot cup of tea or something, it will help you keep your thoughts straight and let you reminisce without feeling like it is keeping you from being productive. You NEED to let your mind rest... if you want your brain to start functioning again after the LO comes!

  14. What a tender heart!
    I guess that is the description of a Mother. I think you are so brave. The holidays are a tough time to be in that place where you miss loved ones already in heaven.
    Thinking of you this Christmas and always.

  15. Good morning! Sending you a super large hug from Spokane this morning. I'm out here, listening! Zero Christmas presents wrapped and I have no excuse. Perhaps I'll get the cards addressed today...does it still count if they're postmarked Christmas Eve? :)

  16. Dazed is a good way to say it...I'm dazed, too. And trying to just hold on to the miracle that Jesus came... in the middle of all the earthly demands of the Christmas season.

  17. One more thing...May you and yours have a Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year as you treasure your memories and look forward to the memories to come...I've said it before, but again...thanks for sharing your sweet Joshua and your beautiful heart with us.

  18. Yeah still here :) I hope you find a way that you find is appropriate to remember Joshua this christmas... I thought the Paci on the tree was a wonderful idea... as well as the letter and candle. I do not even pretend to know what you must feel like having to think up ways to include Joshua in christmas when really you wish he were there enjoying it with you. Take care , I'll be thinking of you and your family this christmas :)

    And trust me... its not just pregnancy related... I cant seem to get anything I need to done either. I have a million christmas things to get done and yet I spent the majority of the day painting the bench in my porch And Im on here now so that makes it pretty clear how productive I am being today too :)

    Merry Christmas Susie , Matt , Oceana , Joshua and Flipflop

  19. It is so good to see you blogging about Joshua. It can be... I can't think of the right word... interesting? to think about what could have been and what we wanted things to be like. I think it's healthy to think about all of these things and mull them over and think about them for as long as you need to. :)

    That probably doesn't make a lot of sense because I am sleep deprived! But there you go. Just saying. :)

  20. I come to your blog every day, sometimes more than once. Those voices in your/our heads... they can be pretty loud sometimes! I'll be thinking of you on Christmas hoping you sense peace about Joshua.
    Your sweater is beautiful!

  21. dont worry even though i am DESTENED to the library now, iu am still alwasy reading and think of you alll daily! Cant wait to hear you got my presents!!!! TTYL! Lvoe to all and Merrrrry Christmassss!

  22. Of course I'm still here :) And I understand the "I can't believe I got so big so quick" bit, if nothing else. I'll comfort you in the fact that with me, I got big quick with Eli, but then stayed pretty much the same size for the last 4 months.

  23. Susie- one idea we came up with a couple years after our daughter died was to take her death date and make it into a family holiday. Now.. many many years later we still have Donker holiday December 4th. Kids come home from college, no one goes to work, we spend the entire day celebrating our family and its preciousness. deborah

    thinking of your family