Ever get the feeling? That feeling of "Daze". I think I'm there. Of course, the entire concept of Daze is to be stunned or overwhelmed, therefore causing decision making of the thought process quite difficult (ie. Do I actually know how I'm feeling, since I am "dazed").
I have a lot to do. In fact, this evening I was trying to decide between 5 creative projects and 2 household cleaning projects. I did one creative for a while, switched to another, did a small portion of one household project, and then found another creative one that was not on the list (blogging).
All but one of these projects must be completed on a schedule. A schedule called December 25th. Some must be completed before them, some should be finished sometime before opening presents on the 25th (like wrapping presents, which would then create the oppurtunity to open them).
So I found myself, halfway through wrapping presents on the lounge floor (and realising I really should have bought more paper today) when I realised I had been thinking about Joshua for at least half an hour. Not that it is a bad thing, but sometimes I don't realise I've been consciously thinking of him until I'm already well into it. I'm pretty sure I know what set it off (not that I need a reason, but most often it is triggered). I was looking at pictures while scrapbooking (creative project #1). Then I read the S.A.N.D.S newsletter and saw his name on the list of babies. And before I knew it I'd been thinking about him for quite a while.
I love thinking about him. But I hate "remembering" what I lost. It's not that I hate thinking of him. Absolutely not - he's my precious boy! But, the realisation hits again. It goes something like this (oh yes, welcome to my brain/heart).
Joshua. Cutie face. I wish he was here. What would life be like with him here? I wish I'd bought size 1 clothes for Christmas this year. I wish I had a busier life with a toddler and a crawler in my house. How should I remember him on Christmas? Do I want to make a big deal out of it? Or do I want everyone to leave me alone and let me grieve for my boy on my own? Do I want to release a balloon. No, that's for his birthday. Should I write him a letter? Hmm, a letter. Yeah, I could do that. Read it at Christmas? No. Heck no. Light a candle for him? Yeah, maybe that. But not with everyone watching me and moments of silence. Because I don't want to cry on Christmas if I don't have to. A candle and a letter. Yeah. That's good. I don't want to do anything big and hoopla-y. That's not my style. And I get to decide what gets done. He's my boy after all. I'm glad Marie put 'Lijah's pacifier on her tree. I'm glad it reminded me to put Joshua's on our tree. I don't regret "laying him to rest" in his booties. But it'd be nice to have them back.
See??? There's all that going on in my head. Quietly, but oh man is it there. And it's LOUD inside. And somehow I'm suppose to have the brain capacity to tackle these half a dozen+ projects.
I can't. My brain simply won't do it. It's a documented fact that women's brains atrophy when they are pregnant. We're stupid-er (heh heh) for a reason! I can't make my brain do what it's supposed to some days. Like just a few minutes ago I went to put the nail polish remover in the closet, got there and realised the scrapbooking scissors were in my hand, and the remover was sitting with my scrapbook gear. Anyone seen my brain? It's in a delivery suite somewhere. Very far away!
And I'm tried. I've hit that "I can't believe I got so big so quick" and "I can't believe I'm already so worn out" stage of pregnancy. I've spent two Christmases in a row being big and pregnant (I'm not big, I just feel that way - since I have started closing the fridge door on my belly now...). It's tiring. And there's still life to live and things to be cleaned and presents to wrap and presents to create and presents to help find and wrapping paper to buy and money to finagle and people to keep happy and a house that probably shouldn't look like a tornado hit it on Christmas morning (before presents. After presents I don't care!).
I'm dazed. And I think you can probably tell that by what I've written. :) Thanks Blogland. I needed to chat. *Tap tap tap* Anyone here anymore?