Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wherein I spell out my weekend

My weekend was quite nice. I hosted a youth group at the ship on Friday night. This includes presentations and videos about our ministry, a Q&A time, and videos about our ministry as well as about Discipleship Training School ( - check Breaking News).

The youth group (ages 12-14) stayed overnight on the ship (I went home to MY BED) and then they helped do some cleaning on the ship in the morning (their leader wanted the "full experience").

Matt helped chop wood for church on Saturday morning (a guy in the church is giving it away, but needed people to come chop it up for firewood), and came home smelling pleasantly of wood.

Havalah took Oceana to the beach all afternoon (she was a sandy, tired mess when she came home), so Matt and I did a tiny bit of Christmas shopping. By tiny bit, I mean I bought one thing. But it was a fun day out, especially since we weren't hunting for bathrooms and picking up Oceana or insisting she stay in the stroller. Good grief that child gets heavy quickly! Carrying her these days puts me out of breath really quickly!

Saturday night Havalah and her friend Aline (she's Swiss French, it's pronounced Ah-leen) wanted to go out on the town. They convinced me to go out with them, which I have to admit was flattering, if a little awkward. There I was, looking as cute as I can look while pregnant, and trying to look like I've worn heels more than 2x in the last 3 years (because truthfully I don't think I have!). But as soon as we got out I felt silly. Here I am walking down the street with two very cute young 20-nothings and very obviously pregnant. I haven't sucked my tummy in so much in a LONG time. Geez that was hard work! You get weird looks when you're out on the town with a preggy tummy.

To be truthful I felt like the girl in Knocked Up when she went clubbing at 7 months pregnant. I felt about that silly. (Again, a movie I cannot recommend).

And then it became very apparent to me that I don't know how to just hang out - unless there is a cup of coffee in my hand. I started day dreaming about going down the street to Starbucks for a Grande Decaf Trim Toffee Nut Latte ... but alas, they close early around here. And then I had a fleeting through of "I wish I had my knitting", and then I started thinking about walking up the street for a batch of hot chips or a bottle of caffeine free soda, or renting a movie....

Well anyways, I let to girls know - rather sheepishly - how I was feeling. They took me home after a quick stop for Skittles. And then I felt better.

Actually I fell asleep on the couch with a full glass of soda beside me and without a blanket. But that's okay, because I woke up at 5am and went up to my bed for another 2 hours...

Sunday was an at home day. I've been going through my journals (from before and after Joshua) and typing up all the stories, Scriptures, and feelings I wrote down. Someone mentioned to me about a month ago that I had said I was going to write a book.

Suddenly I have a desire to follow through on that. I want to see what I have written already before I start writing more though. I already had 25 typed pages. And I'm not done with my journals. Let alone what you'll find on the blog.

It's making me miss Joshua. I watched his birth video last night and then his Lifesong video as well (Oceana insisted - she often does). After the video was done, she said, "It's over! Wanna talk-a 'Shua." I asked her is she meant she wanted to talk to Joshua and she said yes. I had to say over choked up tears that she couldn't, because Joshua was with Jesus.

She's never said that before. I was shocked to hear her say it.

When she hears songs from his videos - Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep from Singing Your Praise?" and Casting Crowns "Lifesong" - she screeches, "'SHUA'S SONG!" and starts dancing with a huge smile.

I love that she misses him. But it's hard to watch. It's been pretty hard lately. I met a little boy named Jake who is 3 days older than Joshua. It puts my life in perspective. I'd be one busy Momma if he were still there. But like Tarah said - he wasn't supposed to be here long. It's true, Joshua wasn't meant to be here long. It doesn't make it any easier.... but it's the truth.

I miss him today.


  1. God Bless you Susie as you go through this journey. God certainly picked the right family for Joshua.

  2. sending our love...

    (a special package is coming for you, and maybeeee it has a highlight kit in it???)

  3. I dont enjoy going out anymore so I cant relate to that. If you do end up writing a book about Joshua I would love to read it. Big hugs to you as you are missing your precious little boy.

  4. Susie, Are the videos on your blog somewhere? I don't think I ever saw them, but they might not be on here...which would explain why I didn't see them. ha! I'd love to watch one or both if you want to share.

    And I would've felt the same way trying to go hang out w/ youngers. It is funny how "old" we get when we're married & have kids and priorities change, huh? But it's a good kind of "old".

  5. Oh, Susie. My heart aches for you that you can't hold Joshua right now. I do believe w/ all of my heart that in the after life you will. I pray always that you & Matt & Oceana will have our loving Father & His Son w/ you.

  6. Oh Susie,

    I know I can't relate to having lost a child but mine is gone and chooses not to speak to me anymore. Long story, just keep him in your prayers.

    As for Oceana talking to Joshua.... why can't she? We talk to God. I often talk to my Grandparents and feel a presense of peace come over me sometimes. She will one day realize that she is not truly talking to Joshua in th sense that she talks to you, but maybe this is part of her grieving process. Just my opinion. For what its worth. I would be in tears 24/7 if I had to be around it.
    May God bless you all and please get some rest.

    God Bless

  7. Susie,
    I am praying for you right now, that the Lord continues to heal your aching heart. He is using you through this journey He has you on. Thanks for hooking me up with Corie, she has been a blessing to me.

  8. It is so exciting to hear that Oceana asks about Joshua and wants to talk to him. We want her to remember her beautiful brother as much as you do and this story really touches my heart. Thanks for sharing.

  9. I agree that it's awesome that Oceana remembers Joshua! I also just wanted to say...Woman, we could have been seperated at birth! A night on the town ...blah...knitting, starbucks, and/or a movie...aaahhh...just ask my HC friends who witnessed me run away for a mommy night to starbucks with my knitting! And I agree out on the town and preggo = awkward...let's just say I went to a friends bachelorette party when I was pregnant with my first, luckily only about 12 weeks, but I felt like I looked preggo, and we went to a strip club...I didn't pick it I just went...but uh yeah, that mixes well! LOL! Blessings!