Sunday, June 1, 2008

There's something about this little boy

There's something about this little boy that caught my heart, in a different way than some of the other children that fought the T-18 battle. I think it's because Jacob Ryan was only 7 days younger than Joshua, or maybe it had something to do with him being from Western NY - where I went to Bible College (close enough anyways).

I think Jacob was one of those valiant fighters. He did a great job of hanging in there, even when it was a lot of water-gun fights with his never-interested-pooper, and when he started looking yellower and yellower in his pictures.

Last night my friend Andrea come over (who lost her husband last year) and we had a great day hanging out together. We talked about death, about the days we lost, about how the room looked, how Rik and Joshua looked when they went to Jesus, and in some way its a relief, but in other ways it just dredges up all the hurt again.

Andrea and I have come to say this: "There is nothing anyone could say that could make this feel better. And while sometimes things are nice, or encouraging, it's never going to make this feel any better."

The hurt of losing Joshua will always be there, in the same way that it will always hurt Andrea to have lost Rik, and the Fahmers, Jacob. But that's okay. There's a sense of pride, and hope, and responsibility in having that missing puzzle piece in our lives. We don't want the pain to go away completely - as much as it's horrible to experience it - because it's the closest we're going to be to them again on Earth.

It's like the song, "There's a God-shaped hole in all of us, and that's a hole that only He can fill."

In the same way, there's a Joshua-shaped hole in me, in our family, and in the world - and he's the only one that fit that hole. So it's empty now - and I'd rather it were empty, than filled with something/someone else.

I hope that makes sense.

Please pray for Jacob's family - for his parents and two big brothers, and for all his extended family as they walk this road. The next few days - of arranging a baby funeral - sucks. There's no other word for it. It's horrible. But again, for us there was a sense of pride, in arranging and parenting for the last time with Joshua. It's heart-wrenching though, to walk into a flower shop and have to choose flowers for your son's casket. It sucks even more when the lady behind the counter doesn't realize it's for your son....

And as a side note: To the mommies whose babies are already in Heaven's Day Care - my heart goes out to you today. Each time we see another promotion, it reminds us blatantly of our sons and daughters doesn't it? The first few times I realized he was really gone, coming jumping back. We wish we couldn't say, "I know how you feel." don't we? I so wish I couldn't say that.

Dear God, please be with their family today. Hold them up, keep them filled with Your ever-encompassing peace. Thank you Father. Amen.


  1. That makes a lot of sense. My heart breaks for the families of these precious babies.

  2. Jacob's a heart-stealer for sure.

    I didn't comment often, but at least checked on him every day.

    I loved that Jacob did most of the posts himself. It was so sweet.

    I am so sorry for their loss. :(

    And continue to be praying for you.

  3. Susie, I got attached to two families during these days/months....the Sams and The Fahmers. I guess it's because you are both so real. It's a terrible situation....and you say it. You are honest. We know in our hearts that God loves us, that He is in control....and we are thankful for that. But the truth is...broken hearts will never completely heal, this side of Heaven.

    I want you to know I appreciate you...I respect you....and I pray for you.

    Thank you for your honest witness.

    Karen in TN

  4. A very well-written post...I still pray for you and your family

  5. Thinking of you and praying peace for you......

  6. I peep in on you every once in a while, but this is my first comment. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings and life. You are an amazing Mom (even
    if you don't shower everyday. Hehe.) and it shows in your writing. It does make sense that you never want that hole to be filled because nothing on this earth could ever fill it. Once you get to heaven that is a different story! You will be welcomed by Joshua and Jesus.
    May you have more good days than bad.
    Please keep blogging and letting me peep in on you.

  7. I forgot to mention I am also praying for Jacob's family. He was such a fighter!

  8. Im praying for their family, and yours.

  9. Makes complete sense. As you said you don't want to be able to say that you know how they feel yet your glad you do. As much as it sucks you wouldn't change the time you had with the loved one that filled that hole.

    You worded it perfectly.

    Praying for Jacob & his family because flower shopping for your sons funeral does suck.

    Thanks for being so open and honest. I appreciate it. Still praying for you guys too.


  10. you are soo right. there is something special about jacob & his family just as there is something special about your family & joshua. of all the "baby blogs" that i follow, your & theirs have touched me the most. your straight forward candor & ability to be so real & jacob's sweet personality & humor are one of a kind. i'm thinking about both of your familys in this difficult time