Sunday, June 1, 2008
There's something about this little boy that caught my heart, in a different way than some of the other children that fought the T-18 battle. I think it's because Jacob Ryan was only 7 days younger than Joshua, or maybe it had something to do with him being from Western NY - where I went to Bible College (close enough anyways).
I think Jacob was one of those valiant fighters. He did a great job of hanging in there, even when it was a lot of water-gun fights with his never-interested-pooper, and when he started looking yellower and yellower in his pictures.
Last night my friend Andrea come over (who lost her husband last year) and we had a great day hanging out together. We talked about death, about the days we lost, about how the room looked, how Rik and Joshua looked when they went to Jesus, and in some way its a relief, but in other ways it just dredges up all the hurt again.
Andrea and I have come to say this: "There is nothing anyone could say that could make this feel better. And while sometimes things are nice, or encouraging, it's never going to make this feel any better."
The hurt of losing Joshua will always be there, in the same way that it will always hurt Andrea to have lost Rik, and the Fahmers, Jacob. But that's okay. There's a sense of pride, and hope, and responsibility in having that missing puzzle piece in our lives. We don't want the pain to go away completely - as much as it's horrible to experience it - because it's the closest we're going to be to them again on Earth.
It's like the song, "There's a God-shaped hole in all of us, and that's a hole that only He can fill."
In the same way, there's a Joshua-shaped hole in me, in our family, and in the world - and he's the only one that fit that hole. So it's empty now - and I'd rather it were empty, than filled with something/someone else.
I hope that makes sense.
Please pray for Jacob's family - for his parents and two big brothers, and for all his extended family as they walk this road. The next few days - of arranging a baby funeral - sucks. There's no other word for it. It's horrible. But again, for us there was a sense of pride, in arranging and parenting for the last time with Joshua. It's heart-wrenching though, to walk into a flower shop and have to choose flowers for your son's casket. It sucks even more when the lady behind the counter doesn't realize it's for your son....
And as a side note: To the mommies whose babies are already in Heaven's Day Care - my heart goes out to you today. Each time we see another promotion, it reminds us blatantly of our sons and daughters doesn't it? The first few times I realized he was really gone, coming jumping back. We wish we couldn't say, "I know how you feel." don't we? I so wish I couldn't say that.
Dear God, please be with their family today. Hold them up, keep them filled with Your ever-encompassing peace. Thank you Father. Amen.
Posted by Susie Sams at 3:46 PM