Sunday, April 27, 2008

What's the best answer to wet laundry?

Buy more underwear. Haha. Okay, so we did go shopping for under-stuff and socks today. But not because it was raining - because it was on sale. But it would be funny, huh? I still have clean stuff in the drawers! Seriously.

Had a rough time at church this morning. I think that church is just for me these days. Seems like whatever I'm dealing with on the day is what Mike talks about. Okay, so granted - usually it's Joshua stuff - but I find it strange/interesting that he always have something to say that really affects me. Obviously this is a God-thing. But it makes Sunday mornings exhausting. I've found it difficult - particularly this morning. And that's hard because people want to introduce themselves, and there I am trying not to look angry and pissed off (which I probably fail miserably at). It's not so much that I'm PO'ed but that I'm not very good at showing emotions - beyond anger.

When I was 15 I went for 9 months without crying - like NOTHING for 9 months. I just don't cry. And when I do it's for 10 minutes maximum. Even with Joshua - I cried the first few days and at his funeral - but not since. Thinking about him all the time, teary-eyed a few times, yes - but not actually crying. So when things affect me - like church/sermons/worship/God-stuff - I don't know how to react. Sometimes I get a few tears. But after that I get that PO'ed look on my face. And I don't realize it's there for a little while - probably just long enough to ward off anyone wanting in introduce themselves. Crap. I like meeting people!

Side note * My daughter is sitting on the couch eating a whole carrot. She looks like a rabbit *

As you've all probably realized I'm having a rough few days - and what am I doing with my time???


What on earth else would I be doing?


  1. Where's the pic of the rabbit? :)

  2. Oh Susie, you just reminded me of a friend of mine. Her Uni boyfriend and his flatmates had a rule that they only had to do dishes when they ran out of clean teaspoons... when they really couldn't be bothered doing dishes, they would go out and buy more teaspoons. I visited their flat once - they had a LOT of teaspoons!!!
    As for the housework, and the craziness, and the clothes that don't fit - I think that is normal mum stuff - well - it sounds just like my life anyway, so I tell myself that that is normal!!

  3. Good! Keep knitting. Sounds like you are feeling the effects of the altered universe, the one without Joshua in it. I sympathize with you about having to wait a lifetime to hold Joshua in your arms again. I know it's not much of a comfort to know you'll hold him again "sometime" when the sometimes is soooo far away.

    Just keep getting through each day as you can, even if you spin in circles all day or sit under a toadstool and twiddle your thumbs.

    Just in the last two weeks have I felt comfortable in the new universe created by the absence of my grandmother and it's been four months. I'm not there yet, either. Today I went to Japan Town in San Francisco and remembered it was one of her favorite places. On top of that, there was a little old lady in a wheelchair being lovingly attended to by someone close to her who kissed her on the forehead. I did that a LOT to my grandmother, too.

    I'm sorry you're having some rough days. I'll pray that you keeping getting through them the best you can and that soon you find it easier and easier.

  4. Keep knitting, and while you are at it...teach me how!!! LOL I am envious of those who knit/crochet. I can sew, but there is just a preciousness to knitted baby clothes.
    Your seasons will change soon. We are all still here, still praying for you. And people understand if you are mad or whatever you are at the moment. The problem is people don't know how to act either. :)