Monday, April 7, 2008

*A highlite*

We found an enormous, inflatable slide for the Send Off. Once Oce'd been on once, she coned EVERYONE into taking her on it. She'd have gone on her own, but she couldn't climb the stairs on her own. (Not for lack of trying).

That's Oce's friend Eli on the slide with his Mummy.

I think I had to go down about 10x. Johnny, Megan, Bethany, and a bunch of other people took her too.

Playing around outside at dusk.

Clarification: Jen it wasn't the pictures of your kids, in fact, I don't think I've read that email yet - so it couldn't have been! It's in waves - because I work in an office with Nesi and Jo who are 6 and 7 months pregnant. They don't really bother me - I think I'm used to it now. It's stuff like the "Elevit" commercial - for prenatal vitamins that "lower the risks of neural tube defects" - AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR! Ok - thank you world - let's rub in my lack of consistancy. I had prenatals, but I'm useless at taking medicine every single day. I probably took 25 or 30 vitamins during my entire pregnancy - even after we knew about his condition. I'm useless that way. So those commericals just make me angry. Makes me wanna throw something at the presenter on the ad.
It's the new mommies in the stores with their teeny tiny babies - the ones that are younger than Joshua. It's the babies that I ask "How old?" and the answer is weeks or days younger/older than Joshua. It's - I'll be honest - the families that have a two year old girl and a newborn boy. I wanna throw myself on the floor when I see that. I can handle a lot of other families and even baby girls are easier to handle - but a family of four - girl first, boy second. Shoot me please.

Another clarification: We chose not to bury Joshua because (until last week) we didn't know if we were going to be able to stay in New Zealand. On a side note - we got our visas through March 2010. I didn't want to bury him here and then not stay! I also didn't know if I wanted to bury him in Tauranga or Waihi Beach (an hour apart from each other). And I didn't want to end up moving in two or three years and not be able to visit him. So for the time being, we have a tiny teddy bear urn. Just looks like a mini cookie jar honestly. I used to think it would bother me, but so long as I don't open it and look at it I'm fine.
And no. Nothing - not a grave, a plaque, a memorial - could make this easier.

I need to head out. I'm walking to work today and it was raining a bit ago. So I want to go while it's nice outside.
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  1. You WILL hold him again. Sadly, not in this life, and not nearly as soon as I know you want, but I really, truly believe you'll hold him again someday. And he'll still be yours.

    So hang in there. It sucks big time, but I know you'll find a way to bring so much joy back into your life; and someday, you'll be able to give that to Joshua, too.

  2. susie, have been reading for a while. fyi, my daughter has a tiny urn for her baby as well. it looks like a mini-crockpot - it is wooden and made by my daughter-in-law who spins wooden bowls. they also weren't sure if they would stay where they are (she has even posted a picture of it on her blog)so it seemed the wisest choice. when they visited here right after our granddaughter's stillbirth, they drove 700 miles with the urn and the 3 yr old and the cat. needless to say, i warned about leaving the cat in the car alone with the urn....i know, dark humor but that's how we are, sorry! i am praying for you and your sweet family. your daughter is beautiful! love, jan

  3. Susie, it is so good to have you blogging again. I missed reading what you all were up to with the move and work and Oceana. I'm glad you have a space to remember Joshua - that is so important! Are you able to do something like a memory garden at your house? (You know, so when you're outside enjoying the day or playing with Oceana you can also visit with him?) Have a great week!

  4. That slide looked like LOTS of fun and looks like she was loving it!

  5. 'Easier' was such a BAD word for me to use. Ugh.

    It looks like you had a great time. It's great to see you smile.... I probably would have sent Adam up and down that thing all day with our kids. Oh! And Oceana is so delightfully plump! All my kids are string beans. Adam has asked me the last couple of times if I would please give him a chubby baby, thank you. Uh-huh. Sure thing hun. *grin*

  6. Hey Susie,

    It is good to hear from you and see the great pictures. I really love the idea of not burying Joshua until you know the perfect place. There is no hurry and the Teddy keeps him safe until then. Your new kitchen looks bright and sunny. Is that a view of the ocean outside the window in the distance? I am still so happy for you getting that house and not having to move again until you are ready to. Praying for you each day as you miss Joshua, asking God to bring you through with His peace and joy in the little things each day. You guys are in my prayers.

    Love, Laurie in Ca.

  7. I have missed your blog. Hugs and prayers. Oceana is beautiful. So is that sunset! I think you are a wise woman keeping Joshua's ashes because if God sends you elsewhere in ministry you do not to leave him behind. God bless you all.

  8. Praying for you...I am so sorry that you have to go through this...I cannot even begin to imagine.

    That slide looks really fun! And Oceana's dress in the bottom picture is really cute! Did you make that? Hope you had a good day, and made it to work without getting rained on!

  9. Yeah! you got your visas...I think. It's still hard that you are so far away and we are unable to "drop in for a Sunday visit", but we are content that you are in that safe place where God wants you. It's a continual sacrifice that we are willing to make. Love the pictures...looks like Oceana had a ball!!!! What fun.

  10. This is completely off topic but, I wanted to tell you that I was behind a truck today that had a license plate that said DT. 31:6 and that made me think of you and your family!

  11. I know you know this but your daughter is beautiful!

    Our stories are very different, but I too struggle in the store when I see pregnant women, or a baby that is Alex's age or younger.
    The baby on the diaper box even gets me.

    Praying for you.....

  12. Looks like you guys had a blast. It is good to have fun moments like that! Though I know for me it makes me feel a little guilty for some reason. I don't know...sometimes it feels like I am going crazy. This is a tough road! Please know you are not alone!

  13. I love seeing you smile!

    You and you're husband will know just the right time and place for Joshua. It may take a long time, but who cares! He's your son.

    What a lucky little bear...


  14. I have been lurking and praying for you and your family....

    My son Denver died from Anencephaly in 2000 we found out 3 days before our wedding...

    my heart hope that my son and your son are playing in heaven!

  15. Oceana is such a beautiful girl, the joy just radiates off her face.

    I believe that keeping Joshua with you is the best decision. I know that would be my decision (as a military family) too.

    I'm glad that you are moved in to your new house. We are moving this weekend and I haven't packed a thing. I just wish it was over like yours is!

  16. I happend upon your blog about 3 weeks ago and I have been reading your life so to say. You are so strong and wonderful, your daughter is so beautiful and I am sure you miss Joshua terribly. I pray for your family so that you have the strenght to keep moving day by day. God Bless you all!


  17. Oh how I feel your pain when it comes to seeing baby girls. I want nothing to do w/ them. Pregnant females, having girls and the newborn girls in car seats anywhere out there is hard for me to see. So I know what you mean. I have yet to see the family of 5 like mine so not sure how I will feel. But someone came to Eva's funeral service w/ their 4 month old daughter in a car seat covered w/ the pink fleece blanket and I lost it. This was someone that I had met twice at my bible study so it wasn't even a close friend. I didn't say a word but turned my back and sobbed into my cousins shoulder saying over and over how I can't see a baby right now, not now...and not a girl...when I came up from her shoulder they were gone. I wasn't trying to be mean but for goodness sake I am burying my 5 day old baby girl and you are throwing your 4 month old in my face! I was heartbroken all over again. So hun I know your pain all too well!

  18. Good choice of keeping Joshua with you, I would do the same. Have you heard of or considered memorial jewelry? My sister and all of her family have infinity lockets with a tiny portion of her son's ashes locked inside. You can check them out here A wee bit spendy but worth it in my opinion. I know you have so many people who love you nearby that if you are not able to fill the locket someone will step up, I helped my sister fill hers.

    I'm so glad you're posting again. I missed you guys. :) Love Oceana's smile going down the slide. I think she and my little girl would be good pals. They both have a take life by the horns mentality I think.

  19. I have been reading your journal here for the last few days - making my way to today :) I am so sorry for your lose - I know that doesn't make it any less real though.
    I choose to comment here because I want you to know you have nothing to feel guilty about - you did nothing wrong during your pregnancy to cause this. Trust me - I didn't take my vitamins during pregnancy either. And, I thought I would bleed to death at birth because I had taken a couple of advil before I knew I was pregnant. God chooses certain things and we just don't have any answers for those choices (I lost one baby to a tubal pregnancy).
    Time - it is really the only thing that will help. Time and faith.