frustrations

i believe stress brings out the worst in a person. me in particular. i feel like i'm the meany-mom with oceana these days. i'm the shut-down wife. i communicate thru this blog... i cry less when i type my feelings out. talking out loud about joshua (about my true feelings) often induces tears. that is, unless i've already managed to blog it... then i feel it's already "been said". then it doesn't hurt so bad to say.

had to give several fetal development lessons tonight. i don't mind doing that - especially if people are genuinely interested in joshua's situation. but its draining. and there's always the nervous looks from people - the people who are afraid to talk to me - because i'm talking about how my son will die. perhaps my candor about morbidity bothers people. perhaps they cannot have candor about morbidity. perhaps they are healthier human beings for brushing death under the rug. perhaps i am. who's to know?

joshua's having a growth spurt. i'm convinced of that. he's eating more often and longer. its good. but definitely "eating" more time out of my day. not that it was so full in the first place.

still feeling (physically) uncomfortable. not from actual childbirth, but from after-effects of childbirth. i've had enough. just when i think i'm feeling better - wham! knowing my mother she'll probably blame it on my low iron or the fact that i rarely take my vitamins. :oS eh.. maybe. thanks to several comment-ers last week who mentioned having my thyroid checked. i did that on wednesday morning, the results will be back on monday. they checked my iron too. watch that be low again. i swear if they put me back on that ferro liquid crap again (tastes like rusty nails and tang) i'll blow a gasket.

pictures coming tomorrow of my latest projects. i'll need honest opinions. i've had a few funny looks from nana, baboo (grampa), and daddy on this one. but i'd give any mother who dressed her newborn son in highlighter orange a strange look too.

oceana didn't take a nap today. i don't care that she didn't need it and was perfectly content throughout the day. i need her to take a nap. it's call time-off, lunch-break, clocking-out. tell me i'm not crazy for wanting her to sleep so i can have a few minutes peace.

poor kid wants to get outside go for walks, swing, go to the beach. but i've promised myself i won't do any more "exercise" or "over-exertion" until the aforementioned post-childbirth-ick is completely gone. she'd want me to walk her around the neighborhood in her stroller all day if we let her. ugh. please, 20 minutes of walking in pushing it at this point... it's just asking for trouble.

it's 12:34am. why am i still blogging? obviously i'm tired because i've stopped caring about capitals, as can be seen throughout this post. still trying to spell correctly though. one of these days i'll have to leave a post un-censored and un-edited. you'll have trouble deciphering my gibberish and spelling mistakes. (would you believe it takes spelling deciphering 3 ways to find the correct word on the spell-check list. the first two weren't even close enough to the word to put the correct spelling on the list. you know you're in spell-check-trouble when the word won't even come up on the spell check. uh oh. that's a sign of the fact that its not 12:37am.

joshua's asleep. fed. everyone else is asleep. i'm blogging. random crap that you don't want to read. my sincerest apologies. remind me to blog about overused words tomorrow. oh, and phrases too.