I have discovered, over the last week, that I often let my children control me. Eek! In fact, when someone I greatly appreciate and respect pointed out to me that I had said [several times in an hour] that "but the girls won't let me do that"...I got extremely defensive. On the inside I was making excuses, and explaining why that wasn't the case at all.
But then I thought about it. And it's true. I often take the easier road, because I don't like tears, whining, and complaining. I want happy children.
But eversomuchmore than happy-in-the-moment children, I want to have intelligent, patient, caring, self-controlled, wise, loving, sacrificial children with impeccable integrity and character.
So with that in mind, I'm changing the way I treat my children. I'm changing my reactions. I'm especially changing my tendency to react, rather than to respond. To stop saying in frustration "Stop it Oceana! Leave me alone!", and say calmly, "Oceana, we don't do that in our house. This is your one warning before Time Out."
Last night I chose to follow a different method of CIO [Cry It Out] with Naomi and I finally won. My former method was to let her cry for 30 minutes and if she wasn't calming down at that point, I'd go upstairs and get her [Yeah, me and my white knuckles from 30 minutes of crying].
A friend recommended a different way, one that had worked for her [now 20 month old] son. Plunket [NZ Well Child Nurses] had suggested going up every 20 minutes, laying baby back down [she sits up now and cries, which makes this take longer!], cover them back up, but not to have any eye contact and not to talk. [Very Supernanny-esque, actually]. So I did that. I went up at 7:50 and 8:10, with no changes. Naomi cried for an hour. But she went to sleep on her own. I knew she was safe. She knew I was still there, which made me more comfortable with letting her cry for longer than normal. And she didn't get as hysterical as she does other times. Hopefully this will only take a few days of this hard-yards part.
So that's what's happening over here, among other things, I'm changing my attitude, my reactions, and hopefully that will also change the result.
It's tough changing how we do things, isn't it??
ReplyDeleteGood for you! It's not an easy road, but we will have self-controlled kids in the end. Even if it makes us crazy in the process. :)
ReplyDeleteI did the same-ish thing for CIO... I let them cry for 5 minutes... did that(no eye contact... lay em back down... no talking... just stroked their cheek for a minute...)... let them cry for 10 min did that... let them cry for 15 min and did that and so on... 3 days and we were set :)
ReplyDeleteGood for you, momma! Doesn't it feel good when you extra efforts to be a better momma actually work : P It's such an uphill climb though. Those darn kiddos are always changing so fast. I always feel like, as soon as I get the hang of one thing, they've moved onto something else : )
ReplyDeleteHang in there Susie. When Hayden was a baby Peter was working shifts. It was really hard to establish routines and keep baby quiet when Daddy was trying to sleep during the day. We got into really bad habits that worked well for us at the time, but eventually became hard work (a baby that would only go to sleep while being rocked, and only by Mum - argh!) We used a similar technique to you and after the first few days of feeling like the very worst mother in the world we very quickly settled into our new routine, that was happier for us all (and much better for Mum's mental health!) Tough but definitely worth it.
ReplyDeleteI applaud your efforts! I don't have kids, but my cats are the bosses of me. I'm sure I'll be a complete pushover if I have kids.
ReplyDeleteWe've been having problems with Evan going down at night since we came back from vacation...nearly 6 weeks...ugh! Someone told me the same thing that you tried...said she saw it on super nanny. I don't know what the difference is, but this week he's a different child. Obedient after saying "NO" once and going down to sleep at a reasonable hour. Still praying daily for all the grandchildren for schedules, peaceful uninterrupted sleep. And the rest that their mother's need for strength to continue each day. Love and prayers.
ReplyDeleteMom Sams
Way to go Momma!!
ReplyDeleteAwww...sorry you've been having a rough time - I've been really grouchy with my son this week (he's almost 2), and today I did the same thing, just decided to respond, not react, and not take it personally..and we had a great day. As far as CIO, I'm hoping to avoid that this time...but we did the Ferber method with my son (at 7 weeks and again at 4 mos - he was out of the habit b/c of acid reflux pain) - you go in after 10 mins, then 15 mins, then 20 mins, or whatever interval works for you & don't pick them up, just cover them up or whatever & they should calm a little...then leave again. And it worked. But the crying is so hard!!! :(
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I do believe it is the parent's job to teach our children correct behavior, even when it's the harder road for us in the short run. I recently found a great CD called Teaching Your Children to Fly. It was by a mom with several sons. She and her husband sat down and made a list of all the things they had to teach their sons to be able to do before they left home so they'd be able to take care of themselves. On the inside of the CD jacket there is a copy of her list, broken down by age.
ReplyDeleteWhat you are now doing for your children truly shows them that you love them and will give them confidence and skills that will give them a strong self-esteem.
Congratulations!
Way to go girl! Even though it is HARDER at the get go and requires MORE out of you right now, in the long run it will pay SOOOOO much, on all fronts! Be persistent and take ONE day at a time! Cheering for you, Jessica in Italy
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm so glad you posted this. After church last night my partner and I were discussing my 3 year old's attitude as she has become verrry smart mouthed lately and her ears seem to be painted on. He suggested we try more time outs and that I change my reactions. I am, like you, one to just react and "Stop it!". It's sometimes nice to know someone is in the same boat! So I hope you update us on how you go :)
ReplyDeleteWay to go, Susie! It's so hard to make those changes that will reap such big results, but it's sooo worth it. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteAMEN AMEN AMEN! I've been working on exactly what youve talked about in this post and its going well. there have been bumps along the way but all in all, we are all better for it. good for you!!
ReplyDeleteHi Susie, I've been a lurker for a while, love your blog! I sent you an email to your gmail address, not sure if you have received it? Is there another address I can contact you on? I'm not a stalker...I promise! Katie
ReplyDeleteGreat Job girl. Keep it up. My mother says you don't get anything if you don't put something into it. That especially applies to child rearing. (Super Nanny is one of my favorites.... I just wish I had her when my children were young. :) oh well)
ReplyDeleteSonja Fl