Be Strong and Courageous

Lately I've been thinking about my life and the way it appears to others. I don't think I owe anyone an explanation - in fact I know I don't. But this is my blog, and sometimes I enjoy writing about whatever is on my mind. But please be sure this isn't my attempt at an explanation. I don't owe you, or anyone for that matter, an explanation.

Matt and I were married July of 2005. We had our first child in April 2006, our second in January 2008 (21 months break), and our third is expected in April 2009 (15 months break).

Granted, the reason we are expecting again so soon after Joshua is because of a few factors.
I (most likely) wouldn't be pregnant again this soon, as I'd have been breastfeeding Joshua all this time (and would have planned to continue until at least June 2009). I'd most likely have been *unable* to get pregnant until just recently - maybe 6 weeks ago (if history with Oceana repeated itself). The closest I could have had babies together, if Joshua were still here would be June 2009 (18 months break).

If I had a newborn in the house, I (most likely) wouldn't be thinking about having another small one. Sure, we all get clucky, but with the prospect of getting up in the night with one baby, we're never really excited about adding to the sleeplessness, are we?

But instead, here I am with three. Count them. 1. 2. 3. Of course to the outside eye, I look like a good planner. Because you know, 3 years between children is "just right". 3 years means the older child should be settled, know the routine, be toilet-trained, and all ready to understand the concept of "baby" and "gentle".

To the outside eye, we look like a young family who wanted their children 3 years apart.

No. This isn't me. I did (originally) want my babies 3 years apart. Now I wonder if I did something wrong. Did I mess up Joshua's life by hoping my babies would be 3 years apart? No. Of course I didn't! I know that. What happened with Joshua - HAPPENED. But it didn't happen because of me worrying about having two children close together. It didn't happen because I wanted my kids 3 years apart, not 21 months apart. It happened because it happened. Simply enough.

One of the biggest hurdles to get over with this pregnancy is the 2-3 question with new friends. We moved to a new city just 2 weeks after Joshua died. We found a new church. A new Mommy & Me music program. A new group of friends (we still love the last group though!!!!). And in this we have set into "explanation" territory.

Karen mentioned a few weeks ago, how no matter who asks, or how it is said, they talk about Jacob and the time he had with their family. I most often react this way. When people say, "So this is your 2nd?" while pointing at my now-obvious bump, and I quickly answer. "Actually, our third." They often look confused, thinking (I'm sure) "How does she have a child older than 2?" I'm sure they're thinking, if she has a 5-6 year old in school, she'd be really young when she had them. So I have to jump in and say, "No, actually, this is our third. Our son was born in January, but he passed away. We knew we were going to lose him. He passed away in March."

I'm sure I'm not making any extra friends, but as Karen mentioned, it's not our fault if people think it's awkward. It's not us who feels awkward, it's them. We have no reason to feel awkward about talking about our precious boys.

I love my boy, and I wish I had to juggle three. But in reality, I'm thinking about how I'll get Oceana into the car on a busy street, while watching the stroller, and getting our new daughter out of the stroller, into the carset, and getting the stroller into the car, without feeling concerned that Oceana is running off on her own. (On that note, I'm seriously considering teaching Oceana how to buckle herself into her carseat).

But on another note, I've recently been getting the "3 in 3" conversation too. I have been pregnant 3x in 3 years. I was pregnant from July 2005 - April 2006, April 2007 - January 2008, and now July 2008 - April 2009. That will equal out to 27 months of pregnancy, in just 44 months of marriage.

We'll still be in our third year of marriage when we have our third child. And while that may sound like a lot, in reality - 21 and 15 months between babies (while on the smaller end) isn't unreasonable. I have friends with Irish twins (12 months apart). I have friends with very small gaps between their children. My great-grandmother had 6 kids in 7 years. I'm not the first person in history to do this.

But somehow, "3 in 3" has made me the butt of jokes. Everything from comments on my reproductive health (I'm obviously just fine), to my use of birth control, to how many children I'll *pop out* in the next 5 years, to the fact that I have another 20 pregnancy-possible years and how I'll have dozens of children "at this rate".

I don't care what people think, that's rude! It's rude to make fun of me. I wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for losing my son! There are other factors involved, one (very close to my heart) is my choice to not use certain forms of birth control. But those choices aren't up for joke. They aren't up for comedic discussion, for lack of a better subject.

So there's my thoughts for the day. It's what's on my mind. Anyone else been in this type of situation?