Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Still no broadband at home...

... but I have a few moments alone at the ship, and I had a few things on my mind.

Yesterday was a hard day. It was busy - but there were reminders everywhere. From the reporter at an interview I was in on, who was 9 months pregnant, to Joshua's birth certificate coming in the mail. A lot of harsh reminders.

Joshua's death certificate came quicker than his birth certificate. We received the DC last week. Tuesday afternoon I opened his BC which read "Joshua Matthew Sams (deceased)". Oh dear God... I don't want to see that. A birth certificate is supposed to be happy - exciting - amazing. No. It says "deceased" on it. Matt wasn't thrilled about that either.

Oceana woke up at 4am yesterday. And didn't go back to sleep. I put on Shrek around 5:30am and started dozing on the couch. I woke up to a bowl of rice krispies and milk being poured down my back. I stomped upstairs and went to bed after I clean up. I did get some extra sleep, but it certainly wasn't a good start to the day.

Oceana's been grumpy (DUH) for the last 24 hours. Hopefully she'll sort herself out soon.

Was up till midnight sorting out work stuff, up early, and have been doing work stuff all morning. The details for the ship send off are almost sorted, but there's still a lot to be done.

Speaking of which, I need to go because there's SOOO much to be done!


  1. (((HUGS))) getting Kaylee's ss card was really hard on us. It's those little reminders that come out of nowhere that are so hard. I am praying for you.

  2. I would be so sad too. I'm sorry, but a birth certificate shouldn't have that word on it. Even if it's true. That's what a DC is for. Sheesh. Hang in there--thinking about you and praying for you.

  3. Why in the world did Joshua's birth certificate say "deceased?" Did someone at the hospital jump the gun? If so, too bad they never met or read about Joshua.

    I imagine once the ship leaves, things will settle down a bit and you'll be able to focus on your own stuff more, at least, I hope so.

    Too bad there aren't "cyber sitters" because I'd watch Oceana for you while you got stuff done.

  4. Susie, I have been reading your story for only a couple of weeks but I just want to say THANK YOU for holding onto Christ through such a difficult time. Though our stories are different we do share the same faith and hope in Christ. We have had our valleys as well and I continue to cling to the Hope of Christ as I wait for "new" lungs. I am writing to you now to say thank you for your faith in Christ, I am praying for you and your sweet family, and also I read another blog of a family who just lost their baby boy and she posted this thought for the day. You came to mind when I read this and I felt I should share it with you. You are prayed for by so many....

    Love~ Emily

    And God Said

    I said, "God, I hurt." And God said, "I know."
    I said, "God, I cry a lot." And God said, "That is why I gave you tears."
    I said, "God, I am so depressed." And God said, "That is why I gave you Sunshine."
    I said, "God, life is so hard." And God said, "That is why I gave you loved ones."
    I said, "God, my son died." And God said, "So did mine."
    I said, "God, it is such a loss." And God said, "I saw my son nailed to a cross."
    I said, "God, but your son lives." And God said, "So does yours."
    I said, "God, where are they now?" And God said, "Mine is on My right and Yours is in the Light."
    I said, "God, it hurts." And God said, "I know."

    ~Authors K. C. and Myke Kuzmic~

  5. I don't have any miracle words for you. I just want you to know I check on you (via blog) every day. I think of you all the time and am praying for your sweet family!

    All my love,

  6. Susie, the birth certificate is incorrect. Ring and get another. They only write that on still birth children's certificates, and he certainly wasn't that! They may have presumed he was because his DC had been processed already. It can't hurt to try, any way. You are so right... His birth certificate is a wonderful, happy thing. Make some noise about it. :)

    Love to you, dear heart.

  7. Oh gosh, bureaucracies can be cruel in their rules ... he lived all those weeks, Joshua deserves to have a birth certificate to just celebrate that precious time.

    Sorry to hear Oceana is grumpy. I found the year my daughter turned 2 really hard, she was very emotional, the following years have been far kinder to her temperament :) Was glad when she mellowed out and I realised I wasn't doing something terribly wrong with her after all!

  8. Rice Crispies aren't exactly a mud bath at the spa!
    I as thinking of you and praying for you this morning. I am not sure if the posts have slowed but wanted you to know that you are still being prayed for all around the world.
    the birth Certificate being processed so late is awful! Sending you a cyber HUG!

  9. Susie, that is so harsh putting deceased on his birth certificate - just so wrong, not that any of this is right though. x

  10. I'm so sorry about your bad day. We've all had them but the addition of the DC/BC thing makes it so much worse I'm sure. Blessings and peace on you guys!

  11. I will pray for the days to get easier.

    I have been reading several blogs where the sweet angels are now in heaven and mommy and daddy's are trying to keep their lives together.

    Lord, take this family and cradle them. Comfort them in their time of grief. We don't know why these things happen but you do and we know that we can trust you. For you ARE God!!!! Bless them with peace and joy of the memories with their sweet little Joshua. Be with Oceana as she still does not understand everything that is going on.

    Lord, I thank you for all these blessings and for the many blessings you have already bestowed upon us all.

    God Bless and stay strong Susie. Look up when your feeling down.


  12. I am praying for you that your days will get a little bit easier. You have had so much on you plate. Losing your child, moving, the work on the ship, having a child and raising a 2 year old. Each thing in and of itself is difficult, then throw everything together, it is no wonder you are feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I pray that God would give you comfort and order to your days and that some of the hurt would lessen.

  13. Yes, that does sound like a hard day indeed. I'm praying for you, Susie.

    I hope that Oceana has a much better day - and week - and you are able to get your work done.

    And I hope you are able to find some time to rest.


  14. Still praying for you Susie.
    God Bless

  15. UGH! So sorry to hear about the BC! They shouldn't have done that. It makes it sound like they waited for Joshua's promotion before they sent it. The BC should have been just that he was born alive. The celebration of that. A reminder ot the miracle that he was. Oh, sorry...I guess I'm a bit passionate too, huh?

    I'm sure Oce will be fine once she gets settled in. Everything is pretty up in the air still for her. I will keep her in prayer.

    Love you all Lots,


  16. I wish I could just hug your right now. I know you are in pain. I wish they had sent the birth certificate differently cause he lived for 9 weeks and 4 days. He had an impact on this world that is beyond words. I really wish their were words to express what I want to say.......but human words are not enough.

    Dear Lord Jesus:
    Touch Susie, Matt and Oceana right now. The depth of their pain is only something you can even begin to touch. Lord wrap them up in your arms, enveloped in our Love. Comfort when no one else can comfort. Let them feel your presence in a great and mighty way. Jesus, we know Joshua is with you and pain free but that does not change the pain felt by his loving family. They ache Lord, their hearts ache, their arms ache and they need you. Reach down and touch them in a way that they can feel. Blow the warm breeze of comfort into their storm tossed hearts. Speak peace be still and ride with them through the hurt......Jesus I dont even know how to pray for them but cry out Abba Father......(Daddy)........be with your children and hold them close.

  17. Still keeping you in my prayers...I know there's not much else I could say to make you feel better.

  18. I'm so sorry you had a rough day and especially about the birth certificate. I really wish they hadn't done that. How insensitive of the powers that be! Hope today was a better day.

  19. yuck...I am sorry that you had to deal with all that "stuff" on top of moving and all the busyness with work!! I hope that today was a better day!

  20. Hi Susie, just wanted to let you know I continuously pray for you and your wonderful family. (of 4!)
    I also draw strength from you. Hopefully you will be settled in your new house soon. Take care!

  21. Hello Susie,

    I've been following your blog for several weeks and have commented once before, under a different identity (just got my blogger id recently).

    Anyway... just wanted to reach out and wish you the best. The situation with Joshua's birth certificate hurt my heart a little and caused me to say an extra prayer for your family.

    All the best in your hectic work schedule, and in settling in to your new home.


  22. We lost our son Isaac shortly after birth in 2005. He still received a birth certificate because he was alive when he was born but his birth certificate also said that he was deceased. It was like a slap in the face when we got that in the mail! It was like thank for reminding me of that like I don't think of that every moment of the day. I would just be nice to have them acknowledge the fact that we was alive and a real person. I don't know how they do things where you live but here in the US they don't issue birth certificates for babies that are stillborn which I think they ought. Keeping you in our prayers.

    Erin in Pittsburgh, PA

  23. Susie-
    Praying for you. Sorry it was so hard to see the reporter pregnant. I also think it is awful that it says deceased on Joshua's birth certificate. His birth certificate should be another wonderful reminder of the fact that he was born alive and spent two precious months with you all.
    HUGS and Prayers
    Rachel in PA

  24. i will be praying for you....you have such strength...though i am sure you feel at times that this is too hard....i can't imagine the pain and loss you are feeling....but i will continue to pray for you.

    moriah from PA

  25. I was shocked when I read this last night... the DC arrives before the BC then it says (deseased) on it??? Are they nuts or just not thinking about the parents. Hello! I am so sorry, they need to get a clue. Hang in there! Sheila, Nevada

  26. Hey Susie,

    You still have our prayers. I'm sure it is not easy in any way shape or form right now. Keep trusting God. I love you :-)


  27. Just wanted to say that I really miss reading about what is going on in your life. I'm so used to getting my "Sams" update daily, can't wait until your back up and running.

    As to the BC, how can they issue it with deceased on it, that should only be on the DC. I'm wondering if you can get that changed. It just seems wrong to me that a live birth would have deceased on the birth certificate.

    Stay strong!

  28. Hey Susie! Miss you, get some broadband!!

  29. I can't imagine how hard that must be. :(

    We're praying for you all!

  30. Oh, Susie, I'm so sorry you're having a hard day! I think the birth certificate alone would make it hard - but the pregnant reporter doesn't help, either!

    Do they HAVE to have that on his birth certificate? Maybe there's a way to obtain a copy that doesn't say "deceased" on it...

    Ohhh honey, I wish I knew you in person so I could give you a great big ol' bear hug.

    You are and were such a good mother to Joshua, and I think he had one heck of a good life on Earth because of it!!

  31. Hey Susie, you sound very busy. I laughed at Oceana's little antics (putting cereal down your back)- she was just showing you she has learnt how to get breakfast, she just hasn't learnt that it goes in your mouth - go Oceana, I bet it was cold on your mum's back that's one way to wake her up!! Next time I suggest you just shake her and eat the cereal yourself - so much nicer.

    Susie I wanted to let you know - I am not sure if this will upset you or bring you comfort. As you know I do not intend to make things worse for you.
    Joshua's certificate has to be written like that so nobody can use his identity forgiently. It is a shame that parents can't have a choice as to whether or not to pick up a birth certificate rather than having it just sent in the mail with no warning.
    Love to you all, Rae

  32. Oh man, that really really sucks about his BC!! Can you get it changed?

  33. Thinking of you Susie. I hope it's all going well for you.

  34. Thinking about you daily and checking in to say you are in my prayers. I am so glad for you that the big move is over. The clutter will be gone soon as you unpack and set up home. Oceana sounds like she's just winding down after one hectic month of ups and downs in a two year olds life. She can't talk about it, so it just gets acted out (all down your back, yikes). Praying things smooth out and you have time to rest and reflect Susie. I sure do miss Joshua updates. Sorry, but I really do. I love him very much. You guys too!!

    Love, Laurie in Ca.

  35. I am so sorry. I know losing a child is the worst. I have experienced it...and the reminders pop up all over!!! I pray for peace throughout your family and am sending my best wishes your way! Knowing our children are up in Heaven is the best consolation though...don't you think?

  36. I don't know how I found your blog, but I just read the ENTIRE thing and am now sitting here in tears. I have a severely disabled 4.5 year old, and I could FEEL the love in each of your posts. You had a beautiful son, and I wanted to thank you for sharing him with me.

  37. That morning sounds a bit like mine....kinda. My 1 year old son took of his diaper walked in the room and stood their and peed on the floor right in front of us! Crazy kids. I bet you're dying without net!

  38. i look forward to your posts, i am praying daily for you. My heart is with you every step of the way. I am praying for healing!!

  39. I'm thinking of you Susie! You're amazing. Give Oceana hugs, I hope she loses the grumps soon.
    ~heather~ (goofygirl03)

  40. Thinking of you often.

    Re. Oceana, I found 18 mo. to 2.5 yrs to be the hardest stretch of time with my son. Between 2 year molars and their newfound ability to do all these things, but not the self-control not to :), its a challenging time. It does get better.

    Be gentle with yourself. Many hugs.


  41. That is just horrible!!!!! I am so sorry that they did that. I had some very "bad" Joshua moments this week myself.

  42. ok, now Im praying for broadband.
    I must know how you are all doing.


  43. Blogland misses you! I hope and pray everything is going ok and you are getting settled in your new home.


  44. Susie: Hope things are going etter and you are able to return to blogland soon. I miss you.