A few weeks ago Matt mentioned he'd been reading in Lamentations. Then someone else emailed me a verse in Lamentations. So I started reading parts of it. For as depressing as a book like Lamentations sounds... it's got some of the best encouragement I've found thus far in this whole.... journey.
I tell myself, "I am finished! I can't count on the LORD to do anything for me." Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever think about and I am depressed. Then I remember something that fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful we would have been destroyed. The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!" The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us.
Further on... The LORD doesn't enjoy sending grief or pain.
(CEV Lam. 3)
I had a long chat to my mum yesterday, and again this morning about how people react to our news about Joshua. I get to the point that I dread going some places (like playgroup or Church) because I'm "afraid" of what people will say to me. It's amazing how stupid people can be sometimes. This is not to scare anyone off of talking to me - please don't, I feel isolated enough already - I don't need to be avoided. But simple comments like, "You're young, you can have more children.", or questioning the doctors (They've had a HECK of a lot more education that you have...), asking all the scientific stuff from me, or assuming we're best friends at that moment, or expecting me to pour out my heart and soul when I refuse to.... are enough to scare me off of going places. And besides that, I hate rehashing "Joshua won't live long after he's born. Maybe a few hours or days." 20x in 3 hours. It's painful to think.... much less SAY!
And I've decided this: That there is NOTHING anyone can say that will make it better. A lot of people say stuff like, "I don't know what to say." or "I don't know..." or something to that effect. And finally (after my mum said it to me a few times) I said, "I didn't ask you to know." and beyond that "God didn't ask us 'to know'". The human in us wants a cut and dried answer that will explain the why's and what-if's. But there isn't one. And I'm learning that - that's ok. It's easier for me to say that though, but other people don't have to walk through this, and they haven't realized yet that it's actually okay that you don't know what to say. It means more than you WANT to make me feel better, that you're thinking of me, that you're praying for me.
And as a side note: Tarah, I wish I had known some of what I know now when you lost your precious Gideon. So many times I talked myself out of going over to see you because I was afraid. I was afraid that I would do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, make you feel worse because I was pregnant with Oceana ... and while I can't say that I know how you felt because everyone's going to react differently ... I wish I had not ignored you. I recently have been ignored by one of my best friends. I know it's because she's afraid to say the wrong thing, but it hurts to lose a friend because I'm already losing enough. So, for what it's worth 2 years down the track - I'm sorry. And to an extent... I understand.