Wednesday, December 19, 2007


A few weeks ago Matt mentioned he'd been reading in Lamentations. Then someone else emailed me a verse in Lamentations. So I started reading parts of it. For as depressing as a book like Lamentations sounds... it's got some of the best encouragement I've found thus far in this whole.... journey.

I tell myself, "I am finished! I can't count on the LORD to do anything for me." Just thinking of my troubles and my lonely wandering makes me miserable. That's all I ever think about and I am depressed. Then I remember something that fills me with hope. The LORD's kindness never fails! If he had not been merciful we would have been destroyed. The LORD can always be trusted to show mercy each morning. Deep in my heart I say, "The LORD is all I need; I can depend on him!" The LORD is kind to everyone who trusts and obeys him. It is good to wait patiently for the LORD to save us.
Further on... The LORD doesn't enjoy sending grief or pain.
(CEV Lam. 3)

I had a long chat to my mum yesterday, and again this morning about how people react to our news about Joshua. I get to the point that I dread going some places (like playgroup or Church) because I'm "afraid" of what people will say to me. It's amazing how stupid people can be sometimes. This is not to scare anyone off of talking to me - please don't, I feel isolated enough already - I don't need to be avoided. But simple comments like, "You're young, you can have more children.", or questioning the doctors (They've had a HECK of a lot more education that you have...), asking all the scientific stuff from me, or assuming we're best friends at that moment, or expecting me to pour out my heart and soul when I refuse to.... are enough to scare me off of going places. And besides that, I hate rehashing "Joshua won't live long after he's born. Maybe a few hours or days." 20x in 3 hours. It's painful to think.... much less SAY!

And I've decided this: That there is NOTHING anyone can say that will make it better. A lot of people say stuff like, "I don't know what to say." or "I don't know..." or something to that effect. And finally (after my mum said it to me a few times) I said, "I didn't ask you to know." and beyond that "God didn't ask us 'to know'". The human in us wants a cut and dried answer that will explain the why's and what-if's. But there isn't one. And I'm learning that - that's ok. It's easier for me to say that though, but other people don't have to walk through this, and they haven't realized yet that it's actually okay that you don't know what to say. It means more than you WANT to make me feel better, that you're thinking of me, that you're praying for me.

And as a side note: Tarah, I wish I had known some of what I know now when you lost your precious Gideon. So many times I talked myself out of going over to see you because I was afraid. I was afraid that I would do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, make you feel worse because I was pregnant with Oceana ... and while I can't say that I know how you felt because everyone's going to react differently ... I wish I had not ignored you. I recently have been ignored by one of my best friends. I know it's because she's afraid to say the wrong thing, but it hurts to lose a friend because I'm already losing enough. So, for what it's worth 2 years down the track - I'm sorry. And to an extent... I understand.


  1. Susie,

    We are both going through two different situations, but the similarity with losing a baby. I have gotten the "cold shoulder" as well because people don't know what to say, or now I am getting the "It was a month ago, aren't you over it now??" The fact is, people can be just plain dumb when it comes to understanding what mothers go through in losing a baby. I thought the same thing about Ethan, I know I can have other babies, but I wanted him! I cringed when I read about what people have been saying to you, I got the same responses. Alot of "I'm sorry" or "If there's anything we can do". I know they mean well, but what are you supposed to say? I resorted to a fake smile, and saying "Thank you" about a million times. I pray for you often, you're never far from my thoughts and prayers.

    *Hug* ~Rachel

  2. Susie,
    Thank you for writing this post...I too have been fearful of what to say to you because my pregnancy is so close to yours - not wanting to come across as anything other than a friend, but knowing that no matter what I say it doesn't help! Please know that you, Matt, Oceana and Joshua have been continually in our prayers these last 20 weeks - we have rejoiced when you rejoiced and wept with you when you wept - your lives and strength have had a profound impact on me & John. Please count on us to continue to pray for you - the Lord lays you on my heart at different times of the day or night - He is holding you!

  3. Thank you for the side note. So many times I've sat down at the computer to email you, there are so many things I want to say, but every time I sat down to write would stop myself because I know that words do no good. More than anything, I've wanted to just be with you, to sit with no need to say anything, but if we would have talked, or laughed, or cried I would have enjoyed that, but if no words were ever spoken I would understand why. Please know if we lived close that’s what I would have done. That’s what my heart longed to do, but we don’t even live in the same country and so all I can do is pray and pray I do! God Bless you Susie!

    - Tarah

  4. Hi Susie,
    Thinking of you today. I wish we were neighbors, I'd invite you over to visit!
    Jennifer in FL.

  5. Suzie,
    I would love to write you something that would mean something and that could help you feel better although like you just said I don't understand and thats o.k..... although what I can tell you is that I know what it feels like to not understand why your in the situation that you are. I have been there. Even though I am a nurse and I understnad what is going on and what may or may not happen and the proceedures, I will never know how it will affect you directly and because of that I am not really sure exactly what to pray for for you guys but I can tell that you that I will still continue to pray every day, and I also wish I could be there with you not to ask how or why or why not but just to be there. You are in my (as well as the prayer team at my church) thoughts and prayers everyday.

  6. I am so glad you posted this, Susie. I am sure it helps a lot of people, me included, I care so much but would never want to bring any hurt to you.