38 weeks

Yes, my son's life is (according to the medical profession) "not viable". Yes, I am distraught. Yes, I so wish that he would live. I wish that I didn't have to look at other women's 2007/2008 baby boys for the rest of my life and remember Joshua and how empty my arms will feel.

But in the midst of all that - I find I am still excited about Joshua. I love Joshua more than I could imagine loving an unborn child. We have chosen not to terminate our pregnancy - at first mainly because of our belief that every life is sacred and that abortion in any circumstances is wrong. But now, I find that I stand more on the fact that I love Joshua Matthew because he's my son, because he's kicked me for all this time (quite profusely). I love him for who he is, for his little personality (Dr's can kiss my butt if they think he doesn't have a personality coz they're wrong!), for the little feet that take my breath away once a day with their kicks, and for the little bottom that pushes against me so hard I worry I'm having contractions - only to find it's his bony little rear end (Wow! He is my son! Bony rear end!)
This picture is just about an hour shy of 38 weeks. Wow. I can't believe that 33 weeks ago we didn't know he existed. Ok - 33 weeks ago I had an incling.... but Daddy didn't know.


And despite the road we are on - I find I can still smile about stuff. This is my main reason to smile (and my main reason to pull my hair out once or twice a day!). Oceana Faith is 20 months old, 25 lbs. and 32 in. long. She has more "personality" than I care to think about some days. But she is my sweetie-pie, and she keeps me going. Wouldn't you just want to cuddle this little girl all the time too???
Below is a photo of her at a picnic yesterday (after eating BBQ - that's why she's in ONLY a nappy).

This is us at the picnic. Yeah, I'm a dumb mom - I remembered my hat and not hers. She refused to wear mine, so - "Screw it" I put sunscreen all through her hair, gave her a mohawk and put my hat on.

A phrase I hear at least a dozen times a day is, "Maw-der?" It means, "Water?". Usually she's asking for a drink, but this photo looks like she's offering me a drink. Often offering me a drink is followed by, "Uppee!" It means - Take my water, now pick me up, now give me back my drink. As if to say, "Mumma, I can't crawl into your lap while I'm holding this, please hold it for a moment. Okay, can I have it back now?"

Talk about the *sunshine of our lives*..... Even when there's clouds. Sunshine can be seen. And Joshua's not to cloud - just to clarify that metaphor.