Saturday, December 15, 2007

38 weeks

Yes, my son's life is (according to the medical profession) "not viable". Yes, I am distraught. Yes, I so wish that he would live. I wish that I didn't have to look at other women's 2007/2008 baby boys for the rest of my life and remember Joshua and how empty my arms will feel.

But in the midst of all that - I find I am still excited about Joshua. I love Joshua more than I could imagine loving an unborn child. We have chosen not to terminate our pregnancy - at first mainly because of our belief that every life is sacred and that abortion in any circumstances is wrong. But now, I find that I stand more on the fact that I love Joshua Matthew because he's my son, because he's kicked me for all this time (quite profusely). I love him for who he is, for his little personality (Dr's can kiss my butt if they think he doesn't have a personality coz they're wrong!), for the little feet that take my breath away once a day with their kicks, and for the little bottom that pushes against me so hard I worry I'm having contractions - only to find it's his bony little rear end (Wow! He is my son! Bony rear end!)
This picture is just about an hour shy of 38 weeks. Wow. I can't believe that 33 weeks ago we didn't know he existed. Ok - 33 weeks ago I had an incling.... but Daddy didn't know.

And despite the road we are on - I find I can still smile about stuff. This is my main reason to smile (and my main reason to pull my hair out once or twice a day!). Oceana Faith is 20 months old, 25 lbs. and 32 in. long. She has more "personality" than I care to think about some days. But she is my sweetie-pie, and she keeps me going. Wouldn't you just want to cuddle this little girl all the time too???
Below is a photo of her at a picnic yesterday (after eating BBQ - that's why she's in ONLY a nappy).
This is us at the picnic. Yeah, I'm a dumb mom - I remembered my hat and not hers. She refused to wear mine, so - "Screw it" I put sunscreen all through her hair, gave her a mohawk and put my hat on.
A phrase I hear at least a dozen times a day is, "Maw-der?" It means, "Water?". Usually she's asking for a drink, but this photo looks like she's offering me a drink. Often offering me a drink is followed by, "Uppee!" It means - Take my water, now pick me up, now give me back my drink. As if to say, "Mumma, I can't crawl into your lap while I'm holding this, please hold it for a moment. Okay, can I have it back now?"
Talk about the *sunshine of our lives*..... Even when there's clouds. Sunshine can be seen. And Joshua's not to cloud - just to clarify that metaphor.
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  1. Bless you Susie. You look great. I am praying for you guys as you face the weeks ahead. Love from Florida.

  2. Suzie,
    You are all in our prayers that God's peace will cover your heart and his strength will keep you strong. If there is anything I can do please let me know!

  3. You really are a strong woman, I will keep you in my thoughts during the weeks to come.

  4. Oh Susie, you look wonderful!!! Thank you for the glimpses you give us of Oceana and how she is growing. Her hair is getting longer...yea!!! Thankful for the bright thankful.

  5. AH!! Oshee has hair!!! I'm so excited!
    love you susie, you look great and Joshua is indeed a joy. Sunshine in all of our lives. miss you guys tons!

  6. wow. I don't know what to say. I followed your link from Andreas page.

    It sounds like you are clinging to Joshua 1:9 with all your hearts--the very best thing you can do!

    I'll pray whenever I think of your family.